Sometimes I Miss Drinking

Staying sober can be difficult. At times I get the fuck it's and I think of getting drunk. Actually whenever I get upset my first instinct is to get drunk. It's a knee jerk reaction. Being drunk is my default. Being sober is unnatural. Although the longer I am sober, the easier it is to live sober. 
But I still crave being drunk. That is the strange part. I don't crave the drink itself. I mean sure the top shelf margarita floated with Grand Mariner tasted fantastic. But it was the buzz, the high, the greatly relaxing feelings that I miss. Troubles just seemed to melt away and happiness filled the air. That's when things were still ok with my drinking of course. That's when I was still able to actually enjoy drinking.

Unfortunately, this changed at some point. I no longer drank to relax and enjoy. I just drank. There was no reason. I drunk not to feel anything or to feel something more.  But it didn't work. Except it made me not care about anything.

Today, sober I have to learn how to deal with life, life on life's terms. And I have to say that besides the occasional fuck it's, this is definitely easier softer way. I am actually able to manage my feelings. I am able to enjoy the moment. The now. And actually be happy. And feel real happiness. Feelings are no longer so scary. I understand that they are just feelings and the change and go away.
I like to compare life to the weather. Everyday is different. And sober I can enjoy each days weather.

4 Years Sober!

This is quite amazing. I have to still pinch myself to make sure that it is real, because at the end of my drinking I thought I was just hopeless, I was never going to get sober and I might as well just die.

But here I am. Four years. I never thought I would be so excited haveing lived life for 4 years, totally sober. And loving it! This is truly amazing! But I didn't do this alone, AA has saved my life! My sponsor has carried me when I had no clue how to live and my HP looked over me as I struggled in my early sobriety.

And this journey has not been without hardache; especially hard time dealing with my mom's death this past year. But in this short time, I managed to go back to school, get a great job, get married, buy a house, have a baby. Things that I thought were absolutely unattainable for me when I was drinking.

My favorite example of how sobriety can work in your life is my current job, which I absolutely love. I started there as a temp and it was so boring, I mean really boring in the beginning.  But I decided that I would come to work on time, every day and do the best I could. After 6 months they hired me on as a Website Content Developer and a year later I become the Project Manager.. How did I accomplish this? I showed up! Really. I had no expectations and I did not do anything special. And all those times I was chasing after the top of the ladder at all my other jobs, I got no where; but always hangover or drunk or thinking about drinking did not make for a quality employee. But when I sobered up, showed up and become a worker among works, things started looking up.

So here I am. 4 years sober. And happy. There was a time I could not imagine this life, now I can not imagine going back to my old life. So I'll keep coming back! 

Getting Sober

I am still amazed that I was able to get sober. It is a miracle.  The odds are definitely against us; when I was in rehab they said only 3% of us would get sober and stay sober for an extended period of time.  But I see so many people get sober and stay sober. It's an amazing journey of transformation. We finally become the human beings that we were meant to be. Or the human beings we never thought we could be.
I am coming up on my 4 year Aniversary. And I am still in disbelief that this is my life. If you knew me then, my life was nothing like this. It was dark, lonely and a mere existence. I lived with my ex, I didn't have a job or a car. I didn't have any friends. I didn't see my family. I just drank all day, in hope that one day I would pass out and never wake up. I was physically and mentally bankrupt.
Today I am a totally different person. A person that I never though I could be or even imagined I could be.  I have a family of my own. I have friends and a great job. I have chance to live a good lifeand I get to live and experience life.
This is a true gift!  Sobriety is a true gift!