April 15, 2011

AA Step Two - Came to Believe

AA Step Two - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This weeks step meeting was powerful. This is pretty tough step for most. Power greater than ourselves and sanity or rather lack of sanity, in one sentence just seem a bit to large. For me this Power greater than myself was instantly assumed that I had to believe in GOD and that just wasn't going to happen! God was mean and had strict rules and I was already going to burn in hell, in fact there was a place being saved for me in hell since I was 9 years old! I never prayed, or said the Lords prayer at meetings, I thought I could do this without GOD, really!!!

But I kept relapsing and things were getting worse. Then my sponsor gave me a Sandy Beach CD. On the CD Sandy talks about how his sponsor helped him with the god idea, he kept calling it HP. He said he tried to get sober on his own but couldn't, his sponsor said since he has already conducted the "no god" experiment and it wasn't quite working, maybe he should try the "god" experiment and see how it works. Then he said, from today on just decide that everything is god and god is everything, and you can call it your Higher Power. For some reason that really made sense to me. Another thing that really helped was when my sponsor told me that if you take out the god idea from the Lords Prayer and just look at the words, it is really beautiful. "Thy will be done", "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us", "lead us not to temptation but deliver us from evil"; those are really nice things to hope for she said, and I agreed I started saying it everyday!

Now the sanity thing seemed even harder! I am not insane! Not at all! And I certainly do not need to be "restored to sanity," I thought everything I did when I was drinking was very normal and thoroughly thought out! It was normal to drink large amounts of wine before going out, so I  wouldn't get too drunk once out; it was normal to smuggle wine in sippy cups to work, actually that was ingenious! It was quite normal to drink early in the morning when I got off the night shift, that was my relax time! It was very normal to go to a bar by myself, or hide keys from myself at home so I wouldn't go out in a blackout, or hide my alcohol all over the house! Yes, yes all normal and quite sane, right?!?! It all made sense to me! Then one day I met a friend for lunch who I have not seen in 15 years! As I started telling her a bit about what was been going on I could see her face get more of the look of disbelief. She finally said, "OMG, I am so sorry, that's horrible, you've been through a great ordeal!" I remember sitting there and thinking, really? That was horrible? Ordeal? I honesty thought it was FINE, just fine. Now I can laugh about it all, my thinking was so skewed, I still some times have to say, "Normal people don't do that!" The alcohol is cunning and baffling!

I think step 2 is great, it gives you hope, that if you just try to believe, it will happen and your life will change for the better. And I love the idea of a higher power, she's my protector!

I pray for an open mind
so I may come to believe
in a Power greater than myself.

I pray for humility
and the continued opportunity
to increase my faith.

Click here to read AA Step Two.

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