August 17, 2011

My Drunk Log

I usually start my story about the time I got my DUI in 2001, but looking back now, I can see that even before then I didn't drink like other people. But I just believed that I was just a party girl, I was the life of the party, I was just having fun! And lots of it!

So I got a DUI in 2001, I blew .25, over 3x legal limit, the judge gave me 5 days in jail, no license for a year and an order to attend ASAP (Alcohol Safety Awareness Program) and ADS (Alcohol and Drug Service) classes and AA meetings  Hefty right? But I didn't think much of it, though I just got busted cause those f-n FFX co cops are A-holes and...well damn it, those were my consequences. I took vacation from work and went to jail, I sold my car and learned how to use public transit. Then I attended all the classes and few AA meetings and I was done. But I kept drinking, even though I had to take numerous breathalyzers - I actually learned in ASAP how long it took for all the alcohol to get out of your system - whoot whoot! Ingenious I was! So I would drink around the times I had to take a breathalyzer, I mean really I was tooo smart for that shit. Lol! And I never though for a minute that my drinking maybe out of control, that this was not normal, I mean I got a DUI! It's a badge of honor! Everyone had a DUI, didn't they?

Yes I was to smart for this shit, I had firm convictions! You know where those convictions got me right? Jail!

I earned my seat in AA! And that was just the beginning cause I did not get sober till 2008, so there is more of the story to come! Lol!

For today, I am grateful to be sober and I am continuously reminded what life was like and how empty and alone I felt when I was drinking. Today I don't have to live or feel that way anymore.

August 5, 2011

It's All in the Perspective

Feeling sorry for myself yesterday...ugh trying to snap out of it.

So I pick a the newspaper for the ride on the metro this morning. I usually don't but this morning I am having a hard time not dwelling on everything that's going on and last night I really felt like drinking.

So I open the paper, hoping for something lite to read, and there it is on second page a Somalian woman with her hands on her face and the look of pain and disappear ...she just lost four of her 5 kids from starvation and all in the last 24hs. Is this crazy! OMG! I can't even fit that in my head.
I live in such a little world sometimes, it feels like I am all alone in this world and things only happen to me. This is why I drank, if you had my horrible life, you would drink like me too! But as soon as I look outside I can see that stuff happens to others too. It gives me some comfort to know this, cause being a self centered ego driven drunk, I truly sometimes think that this all is only happening to me. Truth is that so many people go through hard ache way worst than what I am dealing with, I am not alone and I don't have to drink over it...

August 3, 2011

Doing the Next Right Thing

Taking some charge of things, cause no one will, or wants to, I don't want to either, but my controlling side is fine with being in control...something to get myself into right? Except this is no fun! So I did my moms will, waiting for the documents to come back from the attorney, so she can sign them and I also did the power of attorney for dad, I called around funeral homes, going to see one on Thur. I still need to somehow convince mom to sign the hospice paperwork - she's to proud I think.

And so to top all of this, with stressing out about everything, I got in a fight with my brothers ex-gfriend on! No worries everything is erased. But somehow I just blew up! I apologized to my brother, but I still feel stupid.

Ugh...this would be so much easier with few glasses of wine I think. Yes I can feel it, with the first glass, the calm washing me over, the ache in my heart disappearing and slight euphoria emerging. Then I would pour another or two, trying to get that same feeling again, that would never come. Then I would reach the plateau, feeling like my buzz was gone, so I would drink more, if I didn't have more I would get more, probably thinking just one more bottle but I would get 2, maybe 3 or a box, cause 3 bottles seems weird(?). Probably would drink into a blackout, maybe called some old ex bfriends before I pass out somewhere in the house. Next morning I would probably find the house a wreck, I would be a bit puzzled cause I wouldn't remember anything I did. Hangover and filled with guilt I would probably keep drinking....and my world would slowly start to fall apart, job, family and friends would become unimportant, and totally replaced by the bottle...

Or...I can keep doing what I am doing, supporting my family the best I know how. And staying in touch with my sponsor and AA family, surrounded by their love and support. And being present!

Yes I think this is the path...This is the softer easier way!