August 20, 2014

Time For a Change to a Healthier Sobriety

I see so many of my sober friends leading such healthy lives! They do yoga, and eat vegan, and grow organic foods, do cleanses on regular basis, and are totally into green everything! I am amazed. How do they do that?

My husband and I are both sober but we still smoke, drink tons of coffee and eat probably way too much sugar. There is no exercise or yoga on regular basis for us, and we love red meat and lots of butter over our veggies.

Is it time for a change?

When I was first getting sober, trying to quit anything else at the same time was not even a thought. As a matter of fact at the rehab they told us not to quit anything else within the first year. They told us that the different stages of withdrawal from alcohol may be harder when combined with the withdrawal from certain foods, and also some foods like sugar may help with withdrawal. So I used caffeine and nicotine as my crutch... and candy... of course those aren't foods either! LOL! But, it still feels like sometimes I need a crutch. I still think that getting sober was so very, very difficult, especially following the four years of miserable relapsing - I just feel like I can't give up anything else! I don't want to give up anything else!

And rewards! Where are my rewards! I also often feel like I don't have any rewards left at all, you know for job well done, or the end of the week, or birthdays and holidays! I used to drink as a reward! No wait, who am I kidding - I drank because that's what I did; I did not need a reason!

But, I read so many blogs and see so many of my friends going all healthy! I am truly amazed and I admire them that they are be able to turn their lives around so drastically! But me? Eh. I mean I have dieted after my babies and I did quit smoking when I was pregnant, but I love my occasional smoke breaks! And a nice piece of steak with garlic butter? Hmmm good! What is really weird is that I also feel like I deserve it. I often and still feel like I have quit my bestest friend in the entire world (not really a best friend, really more like my worst enemy) and now I can't ever drink again, so instead, I can have anything else, no matter how bad it is for me (well excluding mind altering substances!) and I still think if I don't have a crutch then what will I do? Will I drink again! Oh and I so don't want to drink again! But I have been sober for a while... I shouldn't need a crutch anymore, right? Ugh.

So well, I was thinking, I suppose it's all in moderation, like they say! Ha, so they say, but moderation is not really in my vocabulary! LOL! (Definitely not when it comes to drinking,) But maybe it's time to get a bit healthier! Maybe nothing horribly drastic, I don't see myself going vegan any time soon! LOL! But a little less caffeine? A little less sugar? And maybe little more exercise and salads!

In the end, this is just like getting sober; I think that I am giving up things, instead of looking at all the things that I will be gaining!

July 16, 2014

How Comparing-Out Kept Me From Getting Sober

For years before I finally stopped drinking, I was in a huge amount of denial about my alcoholism. I sort of felt that something was not quite right and maybe I drank a bit too much, but really I wasn't that bad! I started attending some AA 12-step meetings to see if I could convince myself that I definitely was not an alcoholic - funny right!? So, I was constantly comparing-out when I heard others sharing their stories. Even though I had a pretty low bottom, that included few stays in detox, rehab and jail, I always found someone else that was way worse off than me. 

"Well, I didn't do that! My life was not in complete shambles like theirs, and I didn't drink as much as they did!"

But strangely enough, or maybe, quite expectantly, my drinking was getting out of control and life was becoming unmanageable! Yes, I still could not identify that the alcohol was the cause of all my problems, HECK NO! It was always the shifty job, the crazy boyfriend, or just plain bad luck!

Through this entire time, for some reason, I kept going to meetings. I think I felt safe there. People were so kind and caring, they seemed to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling. How did they know? - I wondered, they barely know me!

Then, one day after a meeting, I talked to a really nice young lady, I told her how I just don't fit in here, and I can't relate to the stories, and I don't think that my life was that bad either! She said that I needed to listen to how people felt, and interrelated to their feelings as related to alcohol. We all maybe from different backgrounds, different ages, different life styles and we may have had different levels of drinking bottoms, but we all have felt alone, out of control, lost, and sad. These feeling we all have in common!

And there it was, it finally dawned on me that it wasn't so much about the things that happened to me because of my drinking, but it was the same, exact feelings that drinking brought up in me. I felt alone, worthless and empty. I had nothing to live for and I was stuck in the viscous cycle of alcoholism. When I started to identify with how others were feeling, I realized that I often felt the exact same way! Then it all started to make sense, and I was able to see how my drinking had made my life unmanageable.

Those same feelings I heard described then, and still do now, have become our common bond, even though we don't know each other and we live miles and miles away from each other. And here in the blog world we all struggle with the same issues and feelings, and yes, we are all so very different! But sharing our stories helps us to know that we are not alone in our journeys. We can always find others who are going through the same feelings, and we can learn from each other how to get through the thought times.  

June 9, 2014

AA Step Eleven - Sought to Improve

AA Step 11 - Sought to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eleven 

Step 11, AA 12 and 12, pg 96

 When I started my recovery journey, I couldn't stay sober for more than a few months at a time. I was struggling something awful! I was irritable, discontent and just unhappy! I kept thinking that I was missing something and well, I was. Being part of the Alcoholics Anonymous I was often reminded that I needed a Higher Power, a God of my understanding, a belief in something greater than myself, a spiritual path to follow, and faith of some kind. This was quite a tall order for me, oh so scientific mind, and I was not having any part of it - I wouldn't even repeat the Lord's prayer at the end of 12-step meetings. Prayer seemed silly to me; there was no one listening, and who were all these people praying to anyway!?

But after my last relapse I was at my wits end and I was ready to try anything to release me from the viscous alcoholic life. I knew I was missing some kind of spirituality but I just didn't even know where to start looking for it. I read some books, but nothing really spoke to me. I talked to people and got even more confused! I decided that if I couldn't just believe, I would force myself to accept it. I decided to let go of all my old beliefs and bought a little necklaces with a cross pendant. It felt really uncomfortable wearing it at first because it symbolized all that I didn't believe in, but then again, what could it hurt I assumed, it's just a necklaces, sort of like a rabbits foot, a favorite shirt, a lucky hat, or that magic rock! 

I wore my necklace every single day and started to really believe that it had some magical powers. This simple act of wearing the necklaces become something way bigger than I would have ever imagined. It became my protector, it became my guide, and it became my hope! I even noticed that my urge to drink was lifted. Life started to bloom around me. My heart got softer and kinder. I was smiling more often! I even begun to feel happy!

I also started praying. First it was just a simple "Please help me stay sober." and "Thank you for keeping me sober." Then during the night when I could not asleep, I repeated the serenity prayer until I fell asleep; “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I would also list all the things that I could not change and all the things that I could change. And I always asked for the wisdom to know the difference. This prayer alone has put my mind at ease many times! Then, I found myself praying in times of hardship and asking for patience, acceptance and forgiveness. When I was faced with difficult people I asked to be compassionate and caring. When had financial troubles I asked to have my worries taken away. I often used lines out of the Lord’s Prayer when dealing with my own wrongs and forgiveness, “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us" - as well as when I was having cravings for a drink - "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” It seamed that all of the sudden, there was  some prayer that I could repeat that would help me during the difficult times!
I still can't quite explain how all this works. I have actually been able to feel the guiding power in my life and in times of need it was always there to protect me and steer me in the right direction. So, I have continued this practice for a while now, and I have been able to get thru some really challenging times in my life, by simply believing in a Higher Power and praying. Of course, to my biggest surprise, whatever guidance or help I asked for I have received, which is really quite unbelievable but I am so very grateful for all this amazing love that seemed to have come from no where! Who knew?!

I have to mention here, that I always though that one had to follow a religion in order to be spiritual, I never though that you could be spiritual without actual religion. There was a long period in my journey that I was constantly searching for this great religion, but what I didn't see was that spiritually is in each one of use, all we have to do is tap into it!
Today, I truly believe that there is a Higher Power that cares for all of us. I still do not believe in socialized religion but that's ok. I have admired many Christian prayers and I have been able to rely on many Buddhist teachings. And for my guardian necklace, well, it took me a while to replace it with one a bit more fitting, but I think "believe" is just perfect. I still wear it every single day!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Eleven.

May 19, 2014

Dealing With The Down Side of The Sober Boredom

Sometimes in sobriety we get in a funk, and wonder what is all this work for and when will we finally be happy, joyous and free? And when will we be able to just live like normal people!?

Oh, can relate to his feeling! This happens to many of us in sobriety, and often for no reason in particular! It's the blahs, the mehs, the fuck-its! Yes, there are several names for this feeling!

Sobriety often feels like lots of work, and it may feel like the end is nowhere in sight. Things just don't seem to get better fast enough for u,s and we wonder if we really have to do this forever. Ugh! We often feel like we just want to say fuck-it, I am done with all this sobriety crap, I am done with learning about myself, and reading all the literature, and keeping my side of the street clean, and going to the meetings, and staying connected, and on, and on, and on! I want to just be, and do nothing!

The good news is that this feeling is normal, and it will pass too! "Believe it or not, you are right where you are suppose to be!" - my sponsor usual says. Sometimes, I hate when she says that. Lol! I know it's true but I don't want to hear it. She says that, because she believes that this is the time before the next growth spurt. She often reminds me that this is not a race, and there is no finish line. It's just like brushing you're teeth, you do it everyday so your teeth won't fall out! LOL!

The other good news is that if you're getting tired of waiting for the big changes, don't lose hope! One day you will stop thinking about drinking, one day you will stop craving it, one day you will stop missing it. One day not drinking will be normal to you! And one day it will just happen, and you won't really know it, till something triggers it, and then you're gonna be like, wow, I haven't thought about drinking today! As a  matter of fact, I don't know when was the last time I thought about drinking! Wow!

This will happen! I don't know when, but it will happen if you stay sober.

As far as forever, I never was able to think that way. I still say, just for today, but maybe tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I am like, well, maybe another day. What keeps me going forward now is that I don't want to start over! That is way more work, than continuing to move forward in sobriety. :)

May 13, 2014

AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends Part 2

- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. -from AA Twelve and Twelve, Step Nine

Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted the AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends, and I have been able to make several amends. YEY! What surely had seemed like a tall order and gave me several sleepless nights has turned out to be a great relief and a huge eye opener! This time I chose a group of people who I seemed to have just discarded. I used to think that I was actually protecting people by not being around them when I was drinking, but that was not the reality, that was not really what others saw.

In my late drinking years I kept to myself, I stayed away from most people because a. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with my drunken stupor behavior and b. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I drank or interfere with it. I would literally lock my door, hide the keys, turn the phone off, and sit by myself, on the couch, and drink! There were family events, birthday and holidays that I missed but at least I was not getting crazy and inappropriate at anyone’s expense! Right?

Well, come to find out that my absence was seen as un-loving, un-caring and quite confusing. It was seen as condemnation! Wow! Was I really that selfish? So selfish that all I really cared about was booze! I think so, because when I think back, the a. point was an excuse and the b. point was my only truth. UGH. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to make amends with this group of people. They were not the ones I hurt directly, where I could just explain what happened; you know like… I was drunk and out of control and I want to make it up to you. These amends seemed to be much more pungent! I had to admit that at the time, alcohol was more important than they were and that all that mattered in my life was drinking. Ugh. That is where my addiction took me. But, how do you make amends for avoiding people?

This took a bit of thought, I Googled "amends" and found this cool article called  from wikiHow.

6. Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change. Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. 

I tried to remember the times in the past that I was supposed to see them, or do something for them, or what I was supposed to be a part off and what event I did not show up for. I decide that for  my amends I was going to offer babysitting, house/yard work, and help with cooking and organizing a holiday gathering – and whatever else they ever needed! And I promised to always show up when invited! The people I made amends with seemed very grateful that I was able to explain why I just disappeared, I think it gave them a certain peace of mind, in a sense that they understood that it was nothing that they did, it was me and my drinking. And that my addiction itself was just so powerful and selfish. Yes, all that was important to me was alcohol! Scary. Ugh.

And for me… I got to get some clarity too, I got to offer myself, I got to clear the past crap and drop some more of the rock (Drop the Rock- "DROP THE ROCK" AA based talk by Sandy B.). I feel more grateful and thankful that these people are still in my life and that they were still open and willing to give me another chance. Now that is amazing!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Nine. 

April 30, 2014

Enjoying the Freedom of Letting It All Go!

I was so over hyped about reaching 6 years of sobriety! Normally after an anniversary I feel sort of flat, but this year I was high as a kite for a while, or at least till I got sick. Lol! It's still so hard to believe that I am sober and all the one day at a time have added up to six years! It's truly amazing!

I have also had many moments of clarity lately and things are just flowing into place. All the things that I used to be so concerned about are somehow melting away. I just let them go. It is what it is and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

In this amazing spirit of letting go, I also "let" my husband plan our son's bday party! This was quite a challenge for me, because you know, he has no clue how to plan a kids party and I am sure he will do something wrong, like forget about the cake! Sheesh! With all my might I held back from calling the party venue and checking on the status, and making sure that all that was needed was ordered and planned out... while secretly hoping that he messed up something. But he didn't, the party went off without a hitch and I was able to enjoy it with my son and not worry about the logistics! Wow! Who knew!?

I have to say that I did get this weird feeling that maybe I am just getting lazy, or complacent, or maybe I am settling for just OK instead of working harder toward better and best. I mean how could a mother not plan her son's bday party, isn't that mom's jobs? But I also see that when I try to direct everyone or everything, it just back fires. People get mad, things fall apart or become even bigger issues, and I am just a ball of anger, fear and frustration. I don't like that. So maybe this is happy! I don't know. It feels uncomfortable, yet strangely enjoyable too

Maybe this is growth and happiness!

April 7, 2014

6 Years Sober, and I am Still an Alcoholic

I had a great opportunity to lead an AA meeting today in the neighborhood where I begun my sober journey. It was so very awesome to see people who have helped me so many times and had been my strength and support throughout those early days. Believe me, it was a surreal experience to be sitting opposite of them and sharing my strength and hope - when I was struggling I could not imagine ever being in this place!

I started by saying that I am an alcoholic and that my recovery date is April 15th 2008. And that I like saying the two together because it reminds me that I am still an alcoholic, but I have been sober for (almost) 6 amazing years!! OMG! Seriously! Unbelievable! Absolute Miracle! To truly understand how huge that is, you have to understand how long my journey has been! The first time I stepped into an AA meeting was in 2002, but it was another 6 years before I got sober!

The greatest part of the fellowship, after completing the steps, is definitely the fellowship! Here, I can come to a room full of people who may or may not be strangers, yet I know them and they know me. The faces, the hugs, the stories, all intertwined together by one common disease, the willingness to change, and the desire to live sober.

There are amazing things that happen in these rooms! We find new lives and happiness. We find true friendships. And every time I step in to a room full of alcoholics I feel like I have just come home! No one can understand what it's like to have this damn disease, unless they are also afflicted by it. It's cunning, baffling and powerful and I don't ever want to forget that. Many debate whether we are recovered or recovering. Hell, I don't care what you call it! For me I will always be an alcoholic because I have the alcoholic thinking still in me even though I no longer drink. And I know that if I listen too much to my alcoholic mind, and if I am not always prepared, and even one step ahead of it, I will drink again. But if I stay sober, one day at a time, my life becomes an open road! So, I don't mind being an alcoholic, not at all, because today I am sober!

That said, if you are reading this and wondering if sobriety is for you, believe me, it is! Because the drunk existence has nothing to offer, and you and I already know that. It will rob you blind and keep coming back for more. That's all! But sobriety will bring you a new life, a new view on the world, and a renewed love for yourself! You will create new and better relationships with your family, friends and coworkers. You will find happiness in simple things. You will be able to be honest and look people in the eye when you talk to them. You will be able to let go of your shame and guilt and gain confidence and strength. You will be open to many opportunities that would have never be available for you when you were drinking.

If you're open to checking out AA, here is some information to get you started.

Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. (From: Alcoholics Anonymous Preamble.)

March 22, 2014

Spring Time Sober

Spring time... What an amazing time of the year! Watching little flowers spring up from the ground, and the sun finally shining, and the birds happily chirping gives me some kind of a euphoria. Kids are again playing outside and the air is filled with their laughter. There is just something so very amazing about it all. Nature and life seem to have awaken again... and so did my drinking pangs.

I don't know what it really is that makes spring time a drinking trigger for me. It seems like some misdirected energy; while others are cleaning their yards and planting gardens, I feel like drinking... I feel like I should be sitting on my deck and sipping on a lite, refreshing wine and juice cocktail, with a splash of soda and a twist of lime. I used to do that a while back, when I lived in a condo on the third floor. My balcony faced several tall trees and I could not see any other buildings around me. I would listen to the buzzing of the life out there, and it felt peaceful and calming. I spend many days sitting and drinking on that balcony, and it was definitely one of my favorite things to do. Of course this was way before my drinking took off and became crazy and unpredictable.

I also quit drinking during the spring time, which seems a bit like an odd coincidence. But maybe not. I remember it being one of those really beautiful days, without a cloud in the sky. I was happy. No worries. I had that same feeling of wanting to just sit and enjoy the buzzing of the life out there. I was about three months sober but I remember thinking that I definitely could have a drink and be OK; I am not mad, angry or sad. I am happy! There is not reason that I would get plastered, I thought. 

But I did. I totally did. What was supposed to be a drink ended up being several boxes of wine. It was horrible. It was so bad that I was in a blackout the entire weekend and then I woke up early Monday morning, face down on the kitchen floor. That's when I truly realized that I was an alcoholic and that I could not control my drinking at all. It become very clear to me that after many years spent blaming the world for my drinking, I finally understood that it just didn't matter what was going on in my life, good or bad, I drank.

Sometimes, I think that maybe in my retirement years, I will once again be able to enjoy a nice lite cocktail on the deck. But then I remember my last drunk and think that I just might not. The difference between me and the normal drinkers is that there is never a good time for me to have a drink. All times are bad. So I have to be even more diligent this time of the year, and direct my spring time energy towards staying sober. And maybe then clean the yard and plant a garden! 

March 9, 2014

All I Got is Hope

My life has been immersed in recovery for quite some time. I had a long and difficult journey to where I am toady. I am so very grateful for this life and for sobriety. I have been given another chance at life and I am reminded so often that many of us do not get this chance. Many of us do not make it.

I lost another friend to this damn disease few weeks ago and I have again been in a strange place with many feelings of anger, sadness and disbelief. What can I bring out of this that will help others? - I keep thinking. I wish there was an easy answer, I wish there was something I could say that was so profound that you would decide today, right now, not to ever take another drink again! 

But all I got is hope. 

Hope is not merely wishful thinking; it is much more than that. Hope is knowing and strongly believing that though one is in a desperate situation, things will improve. This faith and optimism has helped me gather enough courage to get through it, keep trying, and continue moving forward. Life can be hard. But I also know that it isn't always. There are many things to be grateful for everyday, after all we are still in the midst of life! And life is constantly changing, just like the weather, no two days are alike. But with hope the bad days are better and the great days are the proof that hope works. 

Addiction is so very powerful. It has so many pieces to it. It's not just putting down the drink or drug. It's learning a new way of life. It's learning to take steps towards a better tomorrow. It's growing new relationships and mending the old ones. It's finding courage where there seems to be none. It's facing life on life's terms. It's a journey, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. And then the days start adding up, good things start happening, and our attitudes become more positive. Little by little we grow, and we change, and hope is always there to carry us through it all. 

I have hope that for every one of us that doesn't make it, there are many more that do. I hope that someone reading this today will find the hope and give sobriety a chance!

February 6, 2014

Positively Sober

I am not a naturally positive person and really I am not sure that anyone really is. Well, maybe. Maybe there are those people who always have a smile on their face and always have something good to say no matter what is going on in their lives. I suppose it is just like the people that always complain, right? I think I was always one of those people! I just complained. I had no problem telling anyone how bad it was, how stupid I was or they were, how my life sucked and how their life sucked too. My story was always the same: my mom was an alcoholic, my dad didn't care about me, I had no money, I had a crappy job and the only men that were interested in me were assholes. Yep, that was my life - or at least what I thought of my life at the time. 
When I was in rehab, every morning we were supposed to write on the big white board in the meeting room, one thing that was good about our life. I had nothing. I just wrote "I was here."  I am sure this was still part of my defiance since the rehab was court ordered. But. Seriously, I actually couldn't think of anything. I couldn't think of anything good about my life!

So it has been quite a challenge to change that behavior. The negativity had become second nature, it was just the way I was. I remember the first time I decided that I was not going to get up and get out of bed in a grumpy mood. I decided that I was going to greet everyone with a smile and ask how they were doing. It felt really uncomfortable, and it was such a change from - don't you talk to me till I am on my second cup of coffee and another cigarette! - yep, that's how my mornings used to be.

Today I have to work at being positive, still. I have to get up each day and say:
Today is going to be a good day!
I have to keep the gratitude and I have to believe that the glass is half full at all times! Then some days are still scrappy, and I just have to put a smile on my face an keep on trudging. And that's OK too. I just remind myself that tomorrow is always filled with promise and I would rather have to work on being positive than dealing with the crazy, viscous cycle of alcoholism. 

So hang in there friends! Sober life is good! Keep on smiling!

January 13, 2014

AA Step Ten - Continued to Take Personal Inventory Part 2

AA Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Ten  

In the first post on step 10, AA Step Ten - Continued to Take Personal Inventory, I had pulled out few lines from the Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions that really resonated with me and that I believe are crucial to our growth as human beings. So in this post I'd like to focus on the actual personal inventory. 

It's a good idea to do the inventory at the end of the day, but really you can do it at any time of the day. It's meant to be a spot check inventory which would help us keep our side of the street clean and begin a journey to a closer connection with our Higher Power.

When starting the personal inventory we foremost must watch out for our old friend - justification - which sweeps in and attempts to give us a legitimate reason for our conduct which was really wrong. Maybe we have "constructively" criticized someone who needed it but in fact we did it to feel superior. Or we appeared helpful just to prosper from the gain ourselves. Maybe our fear has put us against someone who was trying to help us and we saw it as an attack. In these instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal our true motives.

To help us with our inventory we ask ourselves the following questions listed in Alcoholics Anonymous, Big Book (pp. 84-86):

Was I resentful? Selfish? Dishonest? Afraid?

Do I owe an apology?
Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?
Was I kind and loving toward all?
What could I have done better?
Was I thinking of myself most of the time?
Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, what I could pack into the mainstream of life?

It's truly important to also remember all the good that we have done during the day, for using this inventory as a pity party would only turn to be more harmful than helpful. Here we need to take the inventory to help us grow and become better people. To abandon self and focus on helping others. "Love and tolerance of others is our code." We can reach out to those that we dislike and practice courtesy and kindness and even begin to understand them and help them when needed.
Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truly assert that they love everybody. Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 92.
This is meant to be a lifetime journey. At all times we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And as always we are reminded:
An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. - Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 95.

January 6, 2014

2014 - One Day at a Time

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful, sober holiday season!

I have been thinking really hard about this post, I think almost too hard! And I wish I had a very exciting stuff to write about; maybe I could write about all the amazing things I have in store for the new year, all these things that I always wanted to get done, you know like get healthier and slimmer, or all those remarkable actions I would like to get involved in, like run a marathon or climb a mountain. I wish had a handful of New Year resolutions to share with you and get really pumped up about and ready to start!

But… I don’t!

I have no resolutions, no plans, and no goals! It feels very strange, it actually feels a bit uncomfortable. I am a planner, and organizer, a doer, a self-made overachiever, and a perfectionist! How can I not have any plans for my future?!

But... I really have none.

I know tomorrow I will get up, take the kids to school, go to work, sit through several meetings, leave work around 5:30 pm and get home to have dinner with everyone and tuck the kids to bed. Will it be a good day? Yes, it will!

I have truly started living one day at a time. I do plan and have a calendar filled with reminders and I have another one on the wall in the kitchen for my husband. And every night I look at it for the notes for the next day, and that’s it. Really! I am not sure how this happened. It just has become a way of life. I am so grateful that it did, but also I am at wow, that what seemed absolutely unattainable is now happening every day.

I was looking back the other day and come up on a post I wrote back on 6/24/2011:
And so this is my lesson in acceptance and living one day at a time. And since I have decided to focus on the moment I haven't felt like a drink. It has been a good week relatively speaking...well not friend's mom died on Tuesday and that threw me in a tail spin for a bit. But at the same time I felt like it was even more crucial for me to live in the moment. Because my mind can take me from here now to dead and buried myself in a matter of seconds! It's scary and it includes all kinds of bad things in the middle. It's very exhausting and dangerous because then fear kicks up, ego gets inflated and I am a complete mess! Then I can't deal with anything. Then I have to rely on my HP and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to work out! One day at a time.
And that is so very true still! The more faith I put in my Higher Power, knowing that things always work out, has completely put my mind at ease. I no longer spend sleepless nights wondering about all the different path a situation can take, or obsessing about what will happen in a month or a year. I don’t contemplate the future of my children or my aging parents. But don’t get me wrong, my life is by no means perfect; I have most definitely had few turbulent situations here and there. And in those times, I was actually more capable of dealing with them instead of agonizing over them. Living in the solution not the problem has been a definite turning point for me last year and I am looking forward to continuing this trend.

And as for a goal for this year... well, I hope for another 365 days sober… one day at a time!