AA Step Eleven - Sought to Improve

AA Step 11 - Sought to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eleven 

Step 11, AA 12 and 12, pg 96

 When I started my recovery journey, I couldn't stay sober for more than a few months at a time. I was struggling something awful! I was irritable, discontent and just unhappy! I kept thinking that I was missing something and well, I was. Being part of the Alcoholics Anonymous I was often reminded that I needed a Higher Power, a God of my understanding, a belief in something greater than myself, a spiritual path to follow, and faith of some kind. This was quite a tall order for me, oh so scientific mind, and I was not having any part of it - I wouldn't even repeat the Lord's prayer at the end of 12-step meetings. Prayer seemed silly to me; there was no one listening, and who were all these people praying to anyway!?

But after my last relapse I was at my wits end and I was ready to try anything to release me from the viscous alcoholic life. I knew I was missing some kind of spirituality but I just didn't even know where to start looking for it. I read some books, but nothing really spoke to me. I talked to people and got even more confused! I decided that if I couldn't just believe, I would force myself to accept it. I decided to let go of all my old beliefs and bought a little necklaces with a cross pendant. It felt really uncomfortable wearing it at first because it symbolized all that I didn't believe in, but then again, what could it hurt I assumed, it's just a necklaces, sort of like a rabbits foot, a favorite shirt, a lucky hat, or that magic rock! 

I wore my necklace every single day and started to really believe that it had some magical powers. This simple act of wearing the necklaces become something way bigger than I would have ever imagined. It became my protector, it became my guide, and it became my hope! I even noticed that my urge to drink was lifted. Life started to bloom around me. My heart got softer and kinder. I was smiling more often! I even begun to feel happy!

I also started praying. First it was just a simple "Please help me stay sober." and "Thank you for keeping me sober." Then during the night when I could not asleep, I repeated the serenity prayer until I fell asleep; “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I would also list all the things that I could not change and all the things that I could change. And I always asked for the wisdom to know the difference. This prayer alone has put my mind at ease many times! Then, I found myself praying in times of hardship and asking for patience, acceptance and forgiveness. When I was faced with difficult people I asked to be compassionate and caring. When had financial troubles I asked to have my worries taken away. I often used lines out of the Lord’s Prayer when dealing with my own wrongs and forgiveness, “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us" - as well as when I was having cravings for a drink - "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” It seamed that all of the sudden, there was  some prayer that I could repeat that would help me during the difficult times!

I still can't quite explain how all this works. I have actually been able to feel the guiding power in my life and in times of need it was always there to protect me and steer me in the right direction. So, I have continued this practice for a while now, and I have been able to get thru some really challenging times in my life, by simply believing in a Higher Power and praying. Of course, to my biggest surprise, whatever guidance or help I asked for I have received, which is really quite unbelievable but I am so very grateful for all this amazing love that seemed to have come from no where! Who knew?!

I have to mention here, that I always though that one had to follow a religion in order to be spiritual, I never though that you could be spiritual without actual religion. There was a long period in my journey that I was constantly searching for this great religion, but what I didn't see was that spiritually is in each one of use, all we have to do is tap into it!

Today, I truly believe that there is a Higher Power that cares for all of us. I still do not believe in socialized religion but that's ok. I have admired many Christian prayers and I have been able to rely on many Buddhist teachings. And for my guardian necklace, well, it took me a while to replace it with one a bit more fitting, but I think "believe" is just perfect. I still wear it every single day!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Eleven.

All I Got is Hope

My life has been immersed in recovery for quite some time. I had a long and difficult journey to where I am toady. I am so very grateful for this life and for sobriety. I have been given another chance at life and I am reminded so often that many of us do not get this chance. Many of us do not make it.

I lost another friend to this damn disease few weeks ago and I have again been in a strange place with many feelings of anger, sadness and disbelief. What can I bring out of this that will help others? - I keep thinking. I wish there was an easy answer, I wish there was something I could say that was so profound that you would decide today, right now, not to ever take another drink again! 

But all I got is hope. 

Hope is not merely wishful thinking; it is much more than that. Hope is knowing and strongly believing that though one is in a desperate situation, things will improve. This faith and optimism has helped me gather enough courage to get through it, keep trying, and continue moving forward. Life can be hard. But I also know that it isn't always. There are many things to be grateful for everyday, after all we are still in the midst of life! And life is constantly changing, just like the weather, no two days are alike. But with hope the bad days are better and the great days are the proof that hope works. 

Addiction is so very powerful. It has so many pieces to it. It's not just putting down the drink or drug. It's learning a new way of life. It's learning to take steps towards a better tomorrow. It's growing new relationships and mending the old ones. It's finding courage where there seems to be none. It's facing life on life's terms. It's a journey, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. And then the days start adding up, good things start happening, and our attitudes become more positive. Little by little we grow, and we change, and hope is always there to carry us through it all. 

I have hope that for every one of us that doesn't make it, there are many more that do. I hope that someone reading this today will find the hope and give sobriety a chance!

Trust Yourself

I've been in my head again, I am working real hard on my character defects. I am staying away from self pity, self justification and all self - anything. I am avoiding gossip. I am trying to be kind and compassionate to all. I am trying to do the right things every time! And well, I am not doing really good with it all, I am just not able to be this "perfect." Ugh. It has become a pretty crazy mess in my head. I've been questioning everything I do and say, and dwelling on why, and have gotten no answers!

I told my sponsor about how I was feeling and as she helped me to understand what was going on in my head, and what I was trying to do is not quite possible, my behavior started to "sort of " make sense.

Ha! This is not something I just do or can learn or can just become. This takes time, and a totally different kind of work. But, here, I am again, the self- reliant intellectual being that I am, trying to fix myself, AND overnight practically! Ha! Too funny! It appears that I've been trying to control my own self! Like I can actually make myself perfect, like there is such a thing as perfect! Talk about inflated ego, I think I need to re-visit the third step! Lol!  But I am a do-er, I say! I can do and fix anything! Oh, and I am such an over-achiever! lol!

But ...This is a spiritual job. This does not require intellect. This requires trust, faith and humility. This requires that I put my reliance in my HP!

My sponsor sent me this beautiful quote that put my whole head at ease.

"So believe it. Don’t waste another moment doubting or second-guessing what you know deep down inside you to be true. Live courageously and cast your fears aside. Open yourself up to the full spectrum of human experiences that are awaiting you and allow the spiritual essence that is present within us all to guide you. Ask your question sincerely and listen carefully for the reply. It will come. Let down the walls around your heart and love wholeheartedly. You will feel a love and warmth greater than anything you’ve ever experienced. Say your prayer with unshakeable faith and wait for the answer. You will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.

You’re not crazy. Trust yourself." -  Chris Assaad, The Daily Love