January 30, 2012

Keeping It Real and Sober!

I hate hearing that another one of us has died form this crazy disease. But yet there is another drunk dead. I don't meant to be harsh, this is very sad. She has apparently been drinking for a while and fell down the stairs at her home. When found hours later she was dead. Yes this is what happens. "Institutions, jails and death".  It's scary. It's mind boggling. It is inevitable for those of us who never get sober.

I know this now and have absolutely no doubt about it. But it took some time to get it thru my thick head.  The first time I heard of drunk death, was when I guy about my age decided to cross the 6 lanes of local highway at night.

I don't know why some of us don't get it. I don't know why I finally got it. But I do know it requires constant awareness, this shit kills! I have to remember this, I have to keep it real and fresh. Because life gets better and I forget where I've been. And I already have been to institutions and jails. For me only death is left. So I'll keep coming back. This is the softer easier way!

January 10, 2012

Acceptance - Again

Acceptance seems so incredably impossible lately. Yet I feel like it is crucial to my sobriety. Unlike normal people I have to watch out for the triggers first. This sometimes means that I understand and trust my vulnerabilities. This may not make lots of sense to many people but if I do not take care of staying sober, this disease will take me out. I certenly do not want to feel my feelings, the feelings that normal people can have few drink to help ease. I can't have just a few drinks. I cannot rely on alcohol to ease the pain.

Instead I have AA. And a huge part of the program stresses Acceptance. But how do you actually accept something? What do you do to accept? Is there an actual action? I guess not really. So how does one accept?

I think this is one of those things that happens with time. I think this is something you have to practice everyday, one day at a time. I think that it also involves accepting oneself. I think that if I accept myself I can accept other things, even death.

And I think about my mom everyday and I am constantly going over the last months, weeks and days of her life. And I am trying to make sense and accept her death. I suppose in the plainest terms it is part of life and all of us will die at some point. But somehow it is all still very hard to believe.

January 3, 2012

Back to Normalcy

Every time I say that I am reminded that I believe that there is really no normalcy. I mean yes there is a routine but "normalcy?"

My mom in-law, the other day went on her rant about "the new normal" that you are often told to believe after someone close to you passes. She ranted so long it pissed me off and I said, I don't believe in this new normal, wtf, this ain't normal! My mother is dead! And I refuse to say this is my new normal! That's a load of crap just some way to make it sound better - anyway she started crying. I felt bad. We are both hurting...

So it got me thinking about acceptance and how hard it is to accept things, and I don't understand why. I am a logical person, it should be right? I mean if we accept certain things about life, just as they are, shouldn't death be one of them?

Accepting that I was an alcoholic took few years. Changing my life to the new none drinking normal is still going on. It's been a month since mom died. I guess this will take a while to get used to, too.

She Passed and I am Still Sober

Mom passed on November 30th, 2011. May she rest in peace.