One of my friends recently got admitted to rehab and it got me thinking again. I was re-living some emotions from my many times spent in detox, and rehab. I still remember the despair I felt. The humiliation, and the total disbelief of what was happening. Yet it was very real. I swore, every time, that it would be the last time this was going to happen to me. Unfortunately it happened several more times until I was ready to take the first step.
Step 1 of the AA 12 and 12 book is the only step that I have to do every day and do it perfectly. I think it is so true, that no alcoholic is able to get and stay sober until he hits his own bottom. And everyone's bottom is different. I though, several times before I quit, that I have hit my bottom. And the last time I quit I didn't know it was going to be my last time. I fought it as much and as hard as I could. Nothing scared me, nothing, until I scared myself.
But I am so amazed that I got sober. Some people never get sober and die trying. And yet some get it the very first time. For me the first step was so crucial. To recognize that I have no control over alcohol (or drugs) and that my life has become unmanageable was so very difficult! Because the drug itself makes you believe that things are ok. And no matter what others say. I wanted things to be ok too. But they surly were not!
Admitting that I had a problem was so very hard; "Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness." -AA twelve and twelve, pg. 21. That sentence just stuck in my head for so long, I would have given anything, seriously anything just so I was not an alcoholic. But my last drunk was so crazy and with no abviouse reason to it, that i just felt totally beaten down, I had no control over it at all. So I made a decision that I was done. Coming to acceptance that I cannot control my drinking actually freed me from the crazy mental obsession and opened up a wole world of possibilities. One day at a time, one step at a time!
October 26, 2012
October 16, 2012
I ran into a man today, who I have know for several years. We have absolutely nothing in common if you just picked us out of the crowd. We definitely appear to be from two different worlds. Except.... we are both drunks that got sober and are on the same train to work this morning. I had this though stuck in my head; is this a weird coincidence? There are so many different people in AA. Sometimes it is hard to believe that these seemingly normal people are alcoholics. Sometimes I can't even image some of them as drunkards! But this disease does not discriminate at all. People from every age group, social, economic and ethnic backgrounds have been affected. And remembering some of the man's stories from AA meetings, it's almost hard to believe that this man in a expensive suit, with a fancy briefcase is now working for congress! It is truly a miracle that we are able to get sober. And when we get sober we truly are able to thrive.