April 30, 2014

Enjoying the Freedom of Letting It All Go!

I was so over hyped about reaching 6 years of sobriety! Normally after an anniversary I feel sort of flat, but this year I was high as a kite for a while, or at least till I got sick. Lol! It's still so hard to believe that I am sober and all the one day at a time have added up to six years! It's truly amazing!

I have also had many moments of clarity lately and things are just flowing into place. All the things that I used to be so concerned about are somehow melting away. I just let them go. It is what it is and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

In this amazing spirit of letting go, I also "let" my husband plan our son's bday party! This was quite a challenge for me, because you know, he has no clue how to plan a kids party and I am sure he will do something wrong, like forget about the cake! Sheesh! With all my might I held back from calling the party venue and checking on the status, and making sure that all that was needed was ordered and planned out... while secretly hoping that he messed up something. But he didn't, the party went off without a hitch and I was able to enjoy it with my son and not worry about the logistics! Wow! Who knew!?

I have to say that I did get this weird feeling that maybe I am just getting lazy, or complacent, or maybe I am settling for just OK instead of working harder toward better and best. I mean how could a mother not plan her son's bday party, isn't that mom's jobs? But I also see that when I try to direct everyone or everything, it just back fires. People get mad, things fall apart or become even bigger issues, and I am just a ball of anger, fear and frustration. I don't like that. So maybe this is happy! I don't know. It feels uncomfortable, yet strangely enjoyable too

Maybe this is growth and happiness!

April 7, 2014

6 Years Sober, and I am Still an Alcoholic

I had a great opportunity to lead an AA meeting today in the neighborhood where I begun my sober journey. It was so very awesome to see people who have helped me so many times and had been my strength and support throughout those early days. Believe me, it was a surreal experience to be sitting opposite of them and sharing my strength and hope - when I was struggling I could not imagine ever being in this place!

I started by saying that I am an alcoholic and that my recovery date is April 15th 2008. And that I like saying the two together because it reminds me that I am still an alcoholic, but I have been sober for (almost) 6 amazing years!! OMG! Seriously! Unbelievable! Absolute Miracle! To truly understand how huge that is, you have to understand how long my journey has been! The first time I stepped into an AA meeting was in 2002, but it was another 6 years before I got sober!

The greatest part of the fellowship, after completing the steps, is definitely the fellowship! Here, I can come to a room full of people who may or may not be strangers, yet I know them and they know me. The faces, the hugs, the stories, all intertwined together by one common disease, the willingness to change, and the desire to live sober.

There are amazing things that happen in these rooms! We find new lives and happiness. We find true friendships. And every time I step in to a room full of alcoholics I feel like I have just come home! No one can understand what it's like to have this damn disease, unless they are also afflicted by it. It's cunning, baffling and powerful and I don't ever want to forget that. Many debate whether we are recovered or recovering. Hell, I don't care what you call it! For me I will always be an alcoholic because I have the alcoholic thinking still in me even though I no longer drink. And I know that if I listen too much to my alcoholic mind, and if I am not always prepared, and even one step ahead of it, I will drink again. But if I stay sober, one day at a time, my life becomes an open road! So, I don't mind being an alcoholic, not at all, because today I am sober!

That said, if you are reading this and wondering if sobriety is for you, believe me, it is! Because the drunk existence has nothing to offer, and you and I already know that. It will rob you blind and keep coming back for more. That's all! But sobriety will bring you a new life, a new view on the world, and a renewed love for yourself! You will create new and better relationships with your family, friends and coworkers. You will find happiness in simple things. You will be able to be honest and look people in the eye when you talk to them. You will be able to let go of your shame and guilt and gain confidence and strength. You will be open to many opportunities that would have never be available for you when you were drinking.

If you're open to checking out AA, here is some information to get you started.

Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. (From: Alcoholics Anonymous Preamble.)