February 27, 2012

My Glamorous Drinking Life

The sun is shining. Love nice sunny days. But they do trigger some memories. One of my favorite things to do on a nice sunny day was to sit on my porch with a glass of wine. Nice slow breeze blowing through my hair and birds chirping. Wait, that's not how it really was, I mean the sun was shining and maybe the birds were chirping...in my head. But it definitely wasn't a glass of wine, it was a box! Yes it was.

I always have these fantasies of how I used to drink. I think I was glamorous and drank like a lady. But I have to remember that that was such a delusion. There was nothing glam about my drinking. It might have started with a glass of wine but I am sure the whole box went, especially if I didn't have to work the next day. I have to remember to go from my fantasy to reality.

This is my fantasy!

I have to run my fantasy all the way through:

So I sit on my porch with a glass of wine, I drink another. Starting to feel good but I want to feel better. So I pour another and yet another. If I haven't gotten more I would walk over to the store and get more. I would maybe try to eat but with the fear of slowing my buzz or not being able to continue at the pace that I was, I wouldn't eat much. My mind would wonder and be happy. Oh how great this life was, just me and my wine.

But then out of the blue I would find myself awake and it was the next day and the house was a wreck and my phone had strange messages on it and billion VM and all the wine was gone. And I looked like hell and my head was throbbing.

That was on a good night of drinking! I DON'T MISS THOSE DAYS! The thought that I lost chunks of time and had no idea what I did in that time, was just too much to bare. So most of the time I would just continue drinking. And this went on and on and on. I drove drunk in blackouts, I went to bars, I met strange people, I made random phone calls...

No. Not very glamorous at all!

February 23, 2012

We Change, They Stay the Same

I think one of the hardest things to accept for me in sobriety is that the world around me has not changed because I got sober. In fact it stayed exactly the same. This also applies to the people in my world, they seem to have stayed exactly the same too.

I always though that when I get sober my parents would be more accepting of me, more interested in my life and more... well more of parents to me. But that did not happen at all. The first thing that went was the smoking/drinking bond I had with my dad. Then my dad stopped drinking around me. I was no longer the family bartender. There was no alcohol serve at my house either, so coming over didn't seem to be soo much fun anymore. I think I stopped being cool to my younger brothers.
I really hate that perception that people seem to have; like if you don't drink you're lame. But I suppose it is better than the family drunk, or the party slush or that drunk girl or that what ever else people called me when i was drinking.
I know I have changed, I know I am no longer the same person. My perception on life has changed and therefore my life has gotten better. I no longer have to be ashamed and hiding my drinking. I no longer have to lie to people to hide my addiction. I no longer have the dangerous experiences that I had during the blackouts. I no longer have to live that life.
This is very freeing.

February 22, 2012

Happy Hour

My boss took everybody out for happy hour. I first thought I should just find a way to get out of it. If I don't have to be around drinking especially in a bar atmosphere I try not to put myself there. But somehow I got busy and forgot all about it and then it was happy hour time. Trying to stall, I walked over with my boss who left the office last.

Going to a bar for me is like being on a diet and having people eating my favorite cake in front of me! And just loving it! Ugh.

My boss ordered bunch of bar food telling the waiter "Two of everything that is not seafood, OK?". That's right she is allergic to seafood, very allergic, even the left over juices can make her very sick. She absolutely cannot be around anything seafood or based in seafood sauce or she might have a reaction and die.

Sort of like me... I absolutely can not have any alcohol. None. Or I might have a reaction and die. Seriously. When I was drinking, I never knew what would happen to me when I drank. Sometimes I was OK and sometimes I just blacked-out for the night and yet other times I would black-out for days. The alcohol might have not killed me directly but the things I did in blackouts and situations I put myself in definitely could.

About an hour later, as I was noticing people getting their second and third drinks, I decided it was time to go. Feeling a bit like I wasn't a part of the group if I left early, I decided that my sobriety meant to much to me to chance it. I cherish it, and know that it is easy to give it way and hard to
keep it.

Wanting to stay sober more than wanting to get drunk, I left. Happy.

February 6, 2012

Alcohol is Everywhere

Yesterday at my meeting a great topic was brought up. The leader shared about her house mate having a Super Bowl party, and how she was preparing to stay sober thru it. She only had about a year of sobriety and was still strongly craving the drink.

This surely brought me back. When I was newly sober I just couldn't go anywhere there was alcohol; and doesn't it seem like it is everywhere!? My cravings were so strong I swear I thought I was going to get struck drunk. And actually for good reasons. Thru my 4 years of relapsing I have gone to a store with no intentions to buy any alcohol and walked out with a box of wine. It seemed that once I acted on my craving there was no stopping me.

I had to stay away. The minute I decided that I was going to stay sober, I had to listen to my gut and be true to myself. If I felt uncomfortable or great, if I had a bad day or good, if I even though remotely I might want a drink I had to stay away. It was probably over a year until I was able to go to a store which sold alcohol. I just didn't trust myself.

Today I am ok in most instances and I always have a plan; someone to call or someone to go with. The Big Book says we can go anywhere in any situation where there maybe drinking, but we have to be in a good spiritual place and trust out feelings.

And after 4 years sober, I still don't think I could go to a Super Bowl party! Why? I just don't trust myself! I think it's the atmosphere, the commercial and the sense that you're suppose to get drunk at a Super Bowl party!  Well, maybe you're not suppose to but today I cherish my sobriety and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it!

February 2, 2012

We Agnostics

Ever since my mom died I have been mad at God. All that I have seemed to have believed in is now irrelevant. Was this his will really? That's hard to swallow for me. It is much easier to think that she was sick and that's why she died. And that's what happened.

But what do I do now? Not much. I know I cannot stay sober on my own. I need a higher power, something, someone greater than myself.

I've been reading We Agnostics in the Big Book- Online, pg 44, to help me connect with my HP, because however my believes change there still is, I believe, something greater than myself that I need to stay sober. I have tried to stay sober by myself and I failed over and over again. But once I accepted that I can rely on a power greater than myself I was able to stay sober. And this power does not have to be from any religion. Just anything that I can put my faith in. That is quite comforting because I know there are many things greater than me out there!

When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. 
 “Who are you to say there is no God?"