May 23, 2011

Life on Life's terms - continued

"My aunt in-law is going in to the hospital this morning too, to start her treatment for lung cancer." see Life on Life's terms
Last week was tough. My aunt in-law died unexpectedly, leaving 2 young children and a huge family. Crazy...still hard to words to describe...
I've been overwhelmed with all kinds of new emotions. I always wondered if I would be able to deal with someones death sober; and I am still sober. I don't like the feelings I am feeling at all and for a while I hoped that there was something that would make them all go away. But I heard it in a meeting once that if you do not let yourself feel and go through it, you will drink again. And I don't want to drink again!! The greatest part of AA is that I get to learn how to live life no matter what life throws me.

These are the tools of the program; call your sponsor, talk about it, go to meetings and don’t drink no matter what cause it won’t change the facts. And RELY on your Higher Power. This is the key to staying sober for me. Because drink is just in arms reach away at all times. And so is HP! So you reach for your HP first!
My aunt in-law went into the hospital on Monday and died early Thursday, this was probably the longest 4 days ever. I talked to my sponsor and stayed connected though I didn't want to cause every time I told of what was happening I felt like I was going through it again. But that going through it was actually releasing a little of my pain every time. I also decided to hold on to my sobriety for support because I knew that if I stay sober I will get through this.

The most amazing part of this was that the night that Dawn was taken off life support, and everyone gathered at the hospital to say good bye, every person in the waiting room was in the program and sober, supporting one another. This is how AA works! Sober and together we can conquer anything...

May 16, 2011

Life on Life's Terms

The scariest thing about getting sober was figuring out how to deal with life without drinking. Once I could admit that drinking was my problem and did not help me with dealing with life's issues, I had to find another way. This was and is hard and it's a constant work in progress. But while in AA I learned many ways to stay sober through tough days, and even great days, cause those can be a triggers too; how do you celebrate without alcohol, right? To me it is most important to stay connected to my network and share how I feel. This is the "To thine own self be true" part for me (this is on every AA chip.) And I don't isolate and I ask for help. But the best is to reach out to someone else that might need help or support.

Life sometimes deals you some unhappy things. I used to drink extra heavy over those things, cause I drank for all reasons but the bad things were always easier to get really drunk about! As a matter of fact when I found out that my mom had breast cancer I went out and on purpose got drunk, on top shelf Long Island iced teas. I remember that night vividly, it was a Friday.  I remember, I angrily started drinking at happy hour around 6pm, and I even remember leaving the bar somewhere around 2am. I remember the anger that was flowing through my body that whole night; I was going to drink till I couldn't drink anymore.

But what I don't remember was driving in a blackout and running over someone's front yard and their trashcans and being picked up by the cops. As I come to it at the police station, while they were trying to give me a breathalyzer, I opened my eyes and couldn't figure out where I was; I blew .25, and got thrown in jail. That was my attempt to deal with things.
So today my mom is going in to start her cyberlknife treatment for the cancer tumor in her brain and my aunt in-law is going in to the hospital this morning too, to start her treatment for lung cancer. Having a bit hard morning, because I don't want to - well no one really wants to - deal with this, at all! And in the past I would have binged drank the whole weekend and called bunch of people to try to get some sympathy! But this weekend I spent sober, I went to a meeting, talked about it and I spent time with my family Enjoying my family and supporting each other, talking and laughing! I feel blessed and grateful to be sober and walking through this step by step, feeling the feelings, with my family and my AA toolbox by my side. 

May 13, 2011

Feeling Hungover

Had few tough days coming up on Mother's day and few days after. Mother's day is so bitter sweet for me; my bio mom was an alcoholic and disappeared, and my step mom has cancer. And this year I got really depressed and angry and just had a hard time functioning. I cried most of mother’s day... and developed some craving, for something that would make me feel better: too much tv, too much soda, sweets, coffee or just being all helped for like a second... But there was  really nothing I could do, but just go through these feelings.

The weirdest thing was that after few days of this I woke up with a hangover! Like a full blown hangover, like I use to have after a weekend of binge drinking. Oh I felt just awful! I've heard of emotional hangovers but I didn't know they would feel just like a drinking hangover. I also kept thinking that maybe I never had drinking hangovers, maybe they were all emotional! Right? Lol! And the only way not to have a hangover is to not stop drinking! Right! I remember when I was introduced to the Hair of a Dog...the morning after drink...within drinking just half of it I felt better, wow I got a cure for hangovers!! I was soo excited, why didn't anyone tell me about this earlier!
But this Hair of a Dog was also the beginning of my downward spiral, because I had hangovers every day! The cure was so simple...just have a drink in the morning...but I could not have a drink, once I had one I wanted 100 more! 

The vicious cycle started, I would take swigs before I left for work in the morning, then couldn't wait to have more by lunch. I started smuggling it, using sippy cups and coffee mugs, and yes I did mix it with milk once. I certainly was amazed when I saw this "smuggling" of alcohol mentioned in the Big Book. I mean this book was written in 1938, what did they know, I though I was just brilliantly smart... It was hard to believe that someone has done this before! But that's what alcoholics do we work circles around alcohol just to drink and we get pretty inventive! It is a true miracle that after years of trying to drink 24/7 and trying to appear "normal," today I spend 24/7 not drinking, through anything that life throws my way. This is the easier softer way!! Trust me!