May 13, 2011

Feeling Hungover

Had few tough days coming up on Mother's day and few days after. Mother's day is so bitter sweet for me; my bio mom was an alcoholic and disappeared, and my step mom has cancer. And this year I got really depressed and angry and just had a hard time functioning. I cried most of mother’s day... and developed some craving, for something that would make me feel better: too much tv, too much soda, sweets, coffee or just being all helped for like a second... But there was  really nothing I could do, but just go through these feelings.

The weirdest thing was that after few days of this I woke up with a hangover! Like a full blown hangover, like I use to have after a weekend of binge drinking. Oh I felt just awful! I've heard of emotional hangovers but I didn't know they would feel just like a drinking hangover. I also kept thinking that maybe I never had drinking hangovers, maybe they were all emotional! Right? Lol! And the only way not to have a hangover is to not stop drinking! Right! I remember when I was introduced to the Hair of a Dog...the morning after drink...within drinking just half of it I felt better, wow I got a cure for hangovers!! I was soo excited, why didn't anyone tell me about this earlier!
But this Hair of a Dog was also the beginning of my downward spiral, because I had hangovers every day! The cure was so simple...just have a drink in the morning...but I could not have a drink, once I had one I wanted 100 more! 

The vicious cycle started, I would take swigs before I left for work in the morning, then couldn't wait to have more by lunch. I started smuggling it, using sippy cups and coffee mugs, and yes I did mix it with milk once. I certainly was amazed when I saw this "smuggling" of alcohol mentioned in the Big Book. I mean this book was written in 1938, what did they know, I though I was just brilliantly smart... It was hard to believe that someone has done this before! But that's what alcoholics do we work circles around alcohol just to drink and we get pretty inventive! It is a true miracle that after years of trying to drink 24/7 and trying to appear "normal," today I spend 24/7 not drinking, through anything that life throws my way. This is the easier softer way!! Trust me!

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