June 29, 2011

Sober Vacation

Our long awaited vacation! Wow! Really glad we got to go, though I am dragging my guilt with me, I feel like I should be home tending to my sick mom. But my dad said she was doing well and so we went...

Drove half on Friday and stayed in motel to get some sleep, come to find out our 2 year old would not sleep...so we got no sleep. But we got up next day and kept driving.

Vaca has been good so far, lots of fun, lots of stuff to do, lots of junk to eat; lots of work with the kids, all good. But I have noticed that people are drinking all over the place. Can't help but notice when a mom sitting next to me with a 2 year old, is cracking a beer after beer. And those frozen drinks from the pool bar...with the enticing umbrellas and pretty glasses - Oh yeah, I could down a few of those too! But I can't drink safely, such is my life, I know if I started I would have 100 of them, not like the said mom who had 3, in about 4 hour time - in the end I thought what's the point, didn't like the taste of beer anyway.

But the craving is there in the back, hanging out, doing push-ups, waiting for me to say ok. I think this is how I know that I am an alcoholic, normal people don't watch others drink, don't count how many they had and certainly don't fantasize about drinking. I don't know but it's a crazy obsession that can't be willed away. The only way I stay sober is to talk about it. I already emailed my sponsor several times and my AA BFF. Knowing that they have felt the same at some point and stayed sober, helps me stay sober. One day at a time.

So sober I am! And having fun!

June 24, 2011

And Life Goes On

Well, my mom is still alive! And the 4 weeks have passed. So now I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it won't?!

Packed last night for our vacation, which is finally here, and was booked in December. I feel like I have to say that because I think people will judge me and say "How can you go on vaca while your mom is dying?" So I tell them I booked it long time ago, which I did, but it can be cancelled. I have some guilt there, like I shouldn't have fun when my mom is on her death bed. I did find flights back if I need to come back quick. But honestly mom seems ok, though she may die any minute, if the tumor just happens to cut off the part of the brain signal that directs her heart. But when this may happen no one knows. Feel pretty helpless.

And so this is my lesson in acceptance and living one day at a time. And since I have decided to focus on the moment I haven't felt like a drink. It has been a good week relatively speaking...well not entirely...my friend's mom died on Tuesday and that threw me in a tail spin for a bit. But at the same time I felt like it was even more crucial for me to live in the moment.

My mind can take me from here now to dead and buried myself in a matter of seconds! It's scary and it includes all kinds of bad things in the middle. It's very exhausting and dangerous because then fear kicks up, ego gets inflated and I am a complete mess! Then I can't deal with anything. I have to rely on HP and that everything will work out the way it is suppose to work out!

So for today, for right now, I will do my best, I will enjoy every moment and when I get to that big scary bridge I will figure out how to cross it...sober!

June 15, 2011

Keeping It Sober

Time has slipped away, or maybe it's been standing still...waiting for death is quite overwhelming. My mom seems ok for now but according to the docs predictions she should pass sometime this week.

It's been somewhat of a struggle to stay sober; just for the sheer pleasure of not feeling this way I would drink, but I am finding ways to deal instead. Music has been huge help, going to meetings and staying connected with program friends too. My relationship with HP is bit off, I think it is easy to believe there is a god if things are going well, but when they are not I start questioning his mere existence. I don't want to judge him but I can't understand why? Oh well try not to ponder that one to much.

But, luckily, every time I think a drink would be nice, I get flooded with memories...they don't seem to be as glamorous as I once envisioned them. They sort of make me squirm and feel pretty disgusted with myself - I suppose that's good. I remembered that I once passed out in a bathroom at a party, they had to break the door down, I had my panties around my ankles and my head on my lap; of course this I only heard about since I didn't wake up until the next morning in my boyfriends bed-though I do remember gong to the bathroom at the party...

That was the craziness, I woke up in different places than remembering where I started, many times. Then, every time, I drank more over it, continuing the viscous cycle. The several times I ended up in some guys bed, I actually tried to make them my boyfriend, but the morning hangover was not helping with the visual...lol! After several of these unsuccessful boyfriend finds, I quit going out, I would lock myself in my apartment and drink by myself. Ah good times!! :( no definitely not!)

I used to hate these memories, I carried so much self pity with them, but today I want to thank them. I don't ever want to be living like that again, I don't ever want to feel like that again and I don't ever want to be that person again. I WILL stay sober no matter what, just to not ever, ever be in that crazy life again, and all those crazy situations that I have ever put myself in, while drunk! Thank you memories!

June 2, 2011

Hanging on to Sobriety

So last Friday after aunt Dawn died, my mom got a diagnosis of 2-4 weeks of life. Now we've gotten these before about mom but they were more like 6-9 months, and last one we know off was 1year, that was 4 years ago. After that diagnosis my mom requested that they don't tell her these time frames any more... But facing 2-4 weeks is the shortest ever.
I've been filled with anger and frustration and uncertainty; but I am determined to stay sober through all this. The waiting is horrible; though I grateful for each day that mom is still alive, I feel like this is some cruel joke too. This has been already the longest 2.5 weeks of my life! Or at least it feels that way...the bowling ball is back in my belly like when waiting for aunt Dawn to go. It's still hard to believe that she is gone; I guess that's the reality of life.
It's hard to write, it's hard to think, it's hard to function really... I keep thinking I need a little pill, maybe some valium or xanex would do the trick! Just to take the edge off...but I also know that I'll get thru this...and sober. I've had a great support network checking up on me and my sponsor has been amazing. She has gone through this with both of her parents and sober.
I am hanging on to my sobriety like a security blanket; I know that if I drink it will only make things worse. I sure don't like these feelings at all and they change every day too, some days they are more intense, some less. Sometimes I can't really identify them either, not sure if I am sad or mad or angry, maybe all of the above. And guilt has crept up, every time I am having a bit of fun I feel guilty. This must be an old idea - "old ideas availed us nothing..." So I have to re-write the script there too.
Evolution is inevitable, change is optional.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Nothing stays the same.