June 2, 2011

Hanging on to Sobriety

So last Friday after aunt Dawn died, my mom got a diagnosis of 2-4 weeks of life. Now we've gotten these before about mom but they were more like 6-9 months, and last one we know off was 1year, that was 4 years ago. After that diagnosis my mom requested that they don't tell her these time frames any more... But facing 2-4 weeks is the shortest ever.
I've been filled with anger and frustration and uncertainty; but I am determined to stay sober through all this. The waiting is horrible; though I grateful for each day that mom is still alive, I feel like this is some cruel joke too. This has been already the longest 2.5 weeks of my life! Or at least it feels that way...the bowling ball is back in my belly like when waiting for aunt Dawn to go. It's still hard to believe that she is gone; I guess that's the reality of life.
It's hard to write, it's hard to think, it's hard to function really... I keep thinking I need a little pill, maybe some valium or xanex would do the trick! Just to take the edge off...but I also know that I'll get thru this...and sober. I've had a great support network checking up on me and my sponsor has been amazing. She has gone through this with both of her parents and sober.
I am hanging on to my sobriety like a security blanket; I know that if I drink it will only make things worse. I sure don't like these feelings at all and they change every day too, some days they are more intense, some less. Sometimes I can't really identify them either, not sure if I am sad or mad or angry, maybe all of the above. And guilt has crept up, every time I am having a bit of fun I feel guilty. This must be an old idea - "old ideas availed us nothing..." So I have to re-write the script there too.
Evolution is inevitable, change is optional.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Nothing stays the same.

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