June 15, 2011

Keeping It Sober

Time has slipped away, or maybe it's been standing still...waiting for death is quite overwhelming. My mom seems ok for now but according to the docs predictions she should pass sometime this week.

It's been somewhat of a struggle to stay sober; just for the sheer pleasure of not feeling this way I would drink, but I am finding ways to deal instead. Music has been huge help, going to meetings and staying connected with program friends too. My relationship with HP is bit off, I think it is easy to believe there is a god if things are going well, but when they are not I start questioning his mere existence. I don't want to judge him but I can't understand why? Oh well try not to ponder that one to much.

But, luckily, every time I think a drink would be nice, I get flooded with memories...they don't seem to be as glamorous as I once envisioned them. They sort of make me squirm and feel pretty disgusted with myself - I suppose that's good. I remembered that I once passed out in a bathroom at a party, they had to break the door down, I had my panties around my ankles and my head on my lap; of course this I only heard about since I didn't wake up until the next morning in my boyfriends bed-though I do remember gong to the bathroom at the party...

That was the craziness, I woke up in different places than remembering where I started, many times. Then, every time, I drank more over it, continuing the viscous cycle. The several times I ended up in some guys bed, I actually tried to make them my boyfriend, but the morning hangover was not helping with the visual...lol! After several of these unsuccessful boyfriend finds, I quit going out, I would lock myself in my apartment and drink by myself. Ah good times!! :( no definitely not!)

I used to hate these memories, I carried so much self pity with them, but today I want to thank them. I don't ever want to be living like that again, I don't ever want to feel like that again and I don't ever want to be that person again. I WILL stay sober no matter what, just to not ever, ever be in that crazy life again, and all those crazy situations that I have ever put myself in, while drunk! Thank you memories!

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