October 20, 2013

Asking for Help Sober

In early sobriety it was absolutely excruciating to ask for help. I mean, me ask for help? Never! But I had to learn to do it, it was either that or keep drinking, and the drinking gig was up for sure. And I needed help to get sober, I just couldn't do it by myself! So I learned, I started asking for help and found that there was plenty of people willing to help me! It was amazing. I didn't feel alone and I was able to learn how to deal with some tricky situations and go through some tough times and sober!

Now, five years into sobriety I find asking for help absolutely excruciating again! I mean after five years I should be able to deal with about everything, right!? Ohh.... My ego is talking... It has had me suffering in silence just so that my disease can start creeping up on me. I've had the fuck its again and the constant bowling ball in my belly and the unbelievable urge to run! Run away from it all! And well... Get drunk. This. Scares. Me.

So I finally asked for help! I shared at a meeting about my struggles with a work situation that I have been trying to deal with for a few weeks now. It has set me in total fear mode and made my head fill with crap... The old crap - I don't know how to do this therefore I am not good at this and I will most likely fail. And then I will be a failure! The truth is that I have too much on my plate and I am trying to do several jobs for the now empty positions and I am overwhelmed and exhausted. This is beyond my means and I know it. No matter how hard I will try, I cannot do all of this.

But by sharing my struggles I found that several people at the meeting have experienced this at some point in their lives and have gotten thru it! Ahh... That alone is a great relief! I am not alone and I am not unique. They gave me some really awesome advice on how to slow myself down, break the tasks into smaller pieces and just do what's in front of me. I was also reminded the the world will not blow up if I make a mistake, if I don't get it all done and if I am not the best in all the tasks! Wheeew! That was good to hear because for some reason I really get in my head and I just get so petrified that the world will just blow up! LOL! 

And most off all I was reminded to stay connected to the fellowship especially if I get too overwhelmed and get the fuck its and wanna get drunk. This is really the most important. Staying sober is the most important, way more important than any job and even the world blowing up! If I drink everything is out! If I stay sober, I will get thru this and gain some new insight and strength that I am sure will be needed another time in my life. 

I am so grateful for my friends in AA and the fellowship! Nowhere else I am able to get this amazing support and real life tools to help me get thru the thought times! 

October 9, 2013

Invite to a Winery

So it finally happened, our normie friends invited us to a drinking event! I got this lovely email the other day, here is a piece of it:

"We are planning an outing at the Winery in the country this Saturday with the kids. It is beautiful there – beautiful scenery/outdoor area where you can ample or buys local wine and cheese. People bring lawn chairs, blankets, picnic dinners, and hang out and drink lots of wine of course!"

Oh I think my heart skipped a beat for a bit as I read it! Sounds like so much fun, we should go, they are bringing their kids, and it's a picnic... never mind the Winery part. That's ok, I mean how bad can it be, its not like going to a concert, or something, right!? And then a bowling ball fell in my stomach. Confusion... Any wine event used to be the place to be for me, at least in the early days before I settled to drinking out of a 3 liter box.

In my mind I have already created and elaborate party, amidst the Winery fields and people dancing and drinking and having fun! Sort of something like straight out of the 18th century. Big dresses and wigs and all! And wine flowing like water! LOL! Well, I sure live in some dream land sometimes! Lol! But reality is... I have to be honest with myself and a winery is not a safe place for me!

So now what? I guess I could say, thank you, but we are busy or I could say the truth. And I don't want to get another invitation like this. I guess it is time to tell them!

I talked to several people in recovery to get some ideas on how to say it all. Then I wrote a short reply. I thank them for thinking of us and inviting us to the even. Then I explained that my husband and I are in recovery and the winery would not be a safe place for us to be. I also mentioned that we would love for them to come over for a cookout sometime. I figured that way they would know that it had nothing to do with them, we just can't be around lots of drinking.

I felt really good about the email, though a bit nervous when few days went by and they didn't reply. But finally they did and said that they would love to come over for a cookout! Wheeew.

This wasn't as easy as I though it would be. I though I was totally ready to just let the world know that I am sober. And at many times I am, especially when I am in a situation like someone tries to hand me a drink or asks me to happy hour. But maybe this was different. I like these people and there was a small part of me thinking that I might lose their friendship. But I suppose if they had an issue with us being sober than the friendship wasn't worth it anyway.

My sobriety has to come first!

October 1, 2013

Sudden Change and Growth

What can I say about change! I want to be open to it when it happens; I want be able to see the opportunity and I don’t want to see the heartache that it may cause me.

I was thinking today about changes and how I react to them. Sometimes I am able to just say oh well, I will get used to it, and sometimes I am just in the NO and get stuck there! For instance the new iOS 7 for iPad come down, I excitingly downloaded it because well, I love new and improved things! BUT it turns out that it is quite a change and half of my apps are not working as they should anymore. What do I do? Well I get to the desktop computer where things are still as they were and get done what I need.
Now for my second example I would like to tell you what happened to me at work today. I was offered a new position (!), sort of a lateral move, no pay increase was mentioned, but my boss tried to pep me up with how great I would be in this new position. And as I was staring straight at her and trying to ingest this, this stuff I was hearing, my insides were screaming out! NOOOO! Why no? Because it was managing the software support department! I hate support – customer support, software support, any support!! Why? Because people who need support tend to be not so nice, ok they tend to big f....n a—holes! I get it, they are frustrated and things may not be working as they should but damn it! Haven’t any one heard of catching more bees with honey! OH MAN. I don’t want to do this! I just don't have the mental capacity for this job - I have done it before! I don't want to do it ever again!

This all came strangely enough right after I published a post on my new blog called “You Can ChangeYour Path” and of course now as I am sitting here, and thinking, this is much easier said than done sometimes. As it also happens that I read a great blog post over at Sober Identity ~ Reprogramming an Addictive Mind called A Confused Mind Says No - AND I think that I have a confused mind right now!
Nonetheless, I have learned in sobriety, that I don’t have to make decisions right away, I can take some time, I can sleep on it and hopefully when I wake up, I might not be screaming NO, I might just be whispering – I don’t wanna… But in this instance I had no time, the current manager of the support department, was leaving, and today, sort of unexpected! So here I am, my guts are screaming and I am about to burst and I want to run – or just burst! But instead… I actually spoke up! As best as I could, I explained why I did not want this position. I was asked if I could at least do it temporarily. I offered to help out for 2 weeks and report back with my final decision. My boss said OK.
WOW. I feel so grown up! LOL! Like a real adult, like I chose a path, like I made a decision for me, like I didn’t let someone run over me, like didn’t just say yes in fear of saying no! Like I didn’t just “people please!”
…but I still don’t want this change.
What will happen? I don’t know. I am going to sleep on it… and keep sober J