Now, five years into sobriety I find asking for help absolutely excruciating again! I mean after five years I should be able to deal with about everything, right!? Ohh.... My ego is talking... It has had me suffering in silence just so that my disease can start creeping up on me. I've had the fuck its again and the constant bowling ball in my belly and the unbelievable urge to run! Run away from it all! And well... Get drunk. This. Scares. Me.
So I finally asked for help! I shared at a meeting about my struggles with a work situation that I have been trying to deal with for a few weeks now. It has set me in total fear mode and made my head fill with crap... The old crap - I don't know how to do this therefore I am not good at this and I will most likely fail. And then I will be a failure! The truth is that I have too much on my plate and I am trying to do several jobs for the now empty positions and I am overwhelmed and exhausted. This is beyond my means and I know it. No matter how hard I will try, I cannot do all of this.
But by sharing my struggles I found that several people at the meeting have experienced this at some point in their lives and have gotten thru it! Ahh... That alone is a great relief! I am not alone and I am not unique. They gave me some really awesome advice on how to slow myself down, break the tasks into smaller pieces and just do what's in front of me. I was also reminded the the world will not blow up if I make a mistake, if I don't get it all done and if I am not the best in all the tasks! Wheeew! That was good to hear because for some reason I really get in my head and I just get so petrified that the world will just blow up! LOL!
And most off all I was reminded to stay connected to the fellowship especially if I get too overwhelmed and get the fuck its and wanna get drunk. This is really the most important. Staying sober is the most important, way more important than any job and even the world blowing up! If I drink everything is out! If I stay sober, I will get thru this and gain some new insight and strength that I am sure will be needed another time in my life.
I am so grateful for my friends in AA and the fellowship! Nowhere else I am able to get this amazing support and real life tools to help me get thru the thought times!