AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends Part 2

- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. -from AA Twelve and Twelve, Step Nine

Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted the AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends, and I have been able to make several amends. YEY! What surely had seemed like a tall order and gave me several sleepless nights has turned out to be a great relief and a huge eye opener! This time I chose a group of people who I seemed to have just discarded. I used to think that I was actually protecting people by not being around them when I was drinking, but that was not the reality, that was not really what others saw.

In my late drinking years I kept to myself, I stayed away from most people because a. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with my drunken stupor behavior and b. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I drank or interfere with it. I would literally lock my door, hide the keys, turn the phone off, and sit by myself, on the couch, and drink! There were family events, birthday and holidays that I missed but at least I was not getting crazy and inappropriate at anyone’s expense! Right?

Well, come to find out that my absence was seen as un-loving, un-caring and quite confusing. It was seen as condemnation! Wow! Was I really that selfish? So selfish that all I really cared about was booze! I think so, because when I think back, the a. point was an excuse and the b. point was my only truth. UGH. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to make amends with this group of people. They were not the ones I hurt directly, where I could just explain what happened; you know like… I was drunk and out of control and I want to make it up to you. These amends seemed to be much more pungent! I had to admit that at the time, alcohol was more important than they were and that all that mattered in my life was drinking. Ugh. That is where my addiction took me. But, how do you make amends for avoiding people?

This took a bit of thought, I Googled "amends" and found this cool article called How to Make Amends from wikiHow.

6. Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change. Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. 

I tried to remember the times in the past that I was supposed to see them, or do something for them, or what I was supposed to be a part off and what event I did not show up for. I decide that for  my amends I was going to offer babysitting, house/yard work, and help with cooking and organizing a holiday gathering – and whatever else they ever needed! And I promised to always show up when invited! The people I made amends with seemed very grateful that I was able to explain why I just disappeared, I think it gave them a certain peace of mind, in a sense that they understood that it was nothing that they did, it was me and my drinking. And that my addiction itself was just so powerful and selfish. Yes, all that was important to me was alcohol! Scary. Ugh.

And for me… I got to get some clarity too, I got to offer myself, I got to clear the past crap and drop some more of the rock (Drop the Rock- "DROP THE ROCK" AA based talk by Sandy B.). I feel more grateful and thankful that these people are still in my life and that they were still open and willing to give me another chance. Now that is amazing!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Nine.