April 5, 2011

AA Step One - We admitted

AA Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Today I went to a new meeting that my sponsor recommended. It is a step meeting and today was the beginning of the series. I decided that I was just going to listen and absorb and as people spoke I was flooded with many emotions and memory bubbles. 

Step 1! The very first sentence of step one had me scared shitless when I first read it, "Who cares to admit complete defeat?" oh that definitely was not me! Nope, NEVER! I would do anything else I had to do but stop drinking. I've been coming around the rooms of AA for 7 years and I am going to have 3 years in two weeks, do the math, it took me a while...many relapses and 6 detoxes and 3 hospital stays, 2 alcohol awareness classes, 6 months at the county rehab then 20 months at an out patient county rehab, 5 days in jail, 2 weeks in physic ward, 2 jobs lost, 3 relationships wrecked, and loosing custody of my daughter for a year.


It wasn’t always that way; I drank for fun and had fun for many years before it all started to get crazy. And I maintained good jobs, and I got 2 degrees, and finished summa cum laude, and had lots of friends, and a nice condo, and new car, and everything right?! But then it just stop being fun…and become a crazy obsession.

While in the last rehab I was told I had to go to meetings and since I wanted to get my daughter back I started going...but I just kept looking for a way to drink normal not to actually stop drinking! One morning I woke up flat on my kitchen floor, I opened my eyes and thought wtf, I laid there for a while trying to figure out what happened...blank...could not remember a thing...what day is it? What time is it? OMG what happened? I tried to get up but I was actually still drunk and my body was in pain. I reached over to the cupboard to get another drink, go figure, but that was my turning point really, what the hell was I doing? Insane! Yes! I had no control and I was completely defeated! I thought that I only had two choices, keep drinking and hopefully die, or give up this fight and get sober... I was powerless over alcohol—my life has become unmanageable… I decided to get sober.

I remember a huge weight lifted that second, I felt certain comfort and clarity for the first time ever! That was my beginning...
Click here to read AA Step One.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Keep moving forward!