We Danced Sober, and I am OK

So my husband and I went to the AA Spring Fling dance and truly had a blast. It was absolutely amazing to see all these sober people dancing their butts off! I felt so grateful. So much fun and sober, something I used to think that was undeniably impossible. But I tell you, sober fun is even more awesome; I think the excitement seem to be heightened because it is all natural! LOL! And the fact that you can remember the entire night is a definite plus!

Of course I can't say I wasn't nervous before we got there; my mind was going nuts with insecurities just like it used to in the drinking days. Except those days I had a few drinks to calm it all down! Isn't it amazing what alcohol used to do for me? Couple of glasses of wine and I looked better - definitely slimmer, my clothes fit better, make-up was perfect and attitude of confidence beaming from ear to ear! HA!

Well, what is a girl got to do without her "trusty" courage in the bottle? Tough... But well, if I want to be happy and have a good time I have to drop all that shit on my own! Easier said than done for sure. I was brought up surrounded by negativity and often ridiculed for the way I looked. It all still hangs around like a big dark cloud. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Words that I used to live by. UGH. And today, 11 months after my third child and still carrying some of the baby weight... well, let's just say that finding real confidence was a wee bit difficult!

Oh... I think I changed my outfit at least 10 times, each time running to a different mirror in the house. I can't even tell you about the crazy thought process that was going on in my head - it wasn't pretty! My husband looking very perplexed as he lifted his head up from the phone several times... At one point I stopped and asked if he was ready, he said YES. Is this what you're wearing? -I asked looking at his black tee shirt and jeans. YES, he said. You're OK with that? - I asked. YES, I look good in this shirt - He said.

I look good in many "shirts," but I keep asking myself if others will like my shirt, like I am trying to please others, why am I not trying to please me? Why do I let these damn old tapes play in my head, when I know that they are not true! Ugh. Here again acceptance is absolutely necessary - wallowing in my self-pity is completely useless. Letting go of my old beliefs is crucial to my happiness now, and always. I have to accept me for me, just as I am. This is me. I am ok.

I am OK with me.


I love this line from the AA Big Book; I can apply it to anything in my life!
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." - AA Big Book, Chapter 5.

Re-writing the Script

I am trying to let go of some of my old crappy thinking, you know that stuff that nags at you and keeps you awake at night. The stuff you have been believing or telling yourself for years, and now you know that it's just not true! Yeah, that damn crap! The script I always write is that I suck and that no one lovesa me and that life sucks.

More and more I see how this crap has no purpose in my life! I think I just used it as my security blanket, it felt safe, it was mine, it was just what I did. It gave me a reason to drink. But now I am really aware of it, I can see how distorted my thinking can get in a very short period of time and over very silly stuff. So, I know that it has to go, it’s time to re-write it. Yet, at the same time, it is so, so hard to let it go. I feel like, "What will become of me? I'll look like the hole in the doughnut!" - AA 12 and 12, pg 36. And then, right before I am ready to finally let it go, I hold on to it just a bit more, just for a little longer, just for the last time!

This is what happens....

I get on my pity-potty!! Last night I made myself a pitty party, because my dad left for Europe to visit some friends and he will not be home for Easter, and my mom has passed, and my one brother is away at school and the other is moving to CA. No family for Easter. Ugh. I suddenly felt alone and unloved…. and... I have no family...  I never had a family... How come I don’t have a family… I suck, my life sucks. And blah, blah, blah.  I even texted my friend and said that I was orphaned! Good grief! I am sooo dramatic! LOL!

BUT.... the truth is that I do have a family! I have a great family! I have a Hubby, three kids and a dog. And great in-laws! No really, they are amazing! And I have two bestest friends in the world and an amazing sponsor who has been sober for 30 years! (Say waht!? Yeah!) And not to mention my AA fellowship which spreads the entire county! Now that is some big family!

That is my new truth: I have a great, big, loving family!
 

Resentments

"Resentment are like drinking poison and then expecting the other personal to die. "

And they sure are. Yet they seem a bit enjoyable too. When I was drinking I constantly lived in resentments. I resented everyone, all the time and for everything and I drank the poison-alcohol. I mostly drank over boyfriends, bosses and family. But really I could drink over just about anything in the world, and anything could be resented.

AA Big Book, page 66.

Last week, I was resentful that my family did not want to spend as much time with me as I wanted to spend with them. I made up all kinds of things in my head about why they did not, and well, they just didn't love me. It was obvious! (-not) But I never told them how I felt, thinking somehow they should know.

I walked around upset for a week. I shared my feelings with several of my AA friends and my sponsor and I finally realized that I was resentful. I decided to tell my dad that I missed him though this was very hard to do, and I told him that I would really like it if he come over for dinner. He was thrilled and we had a really great Sunday afternoon dinner. I kept thinking about the whole situation and how crazy it was, why couldn't I have told my dad I wanted to spend time with him in the beginning? Maybe it felt good to be mad at him, like when I was drinking. But expecting a certain behavior from someone and not telling them what that behavior is, is definitely a resentment.

And "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil..." (AA Big Book, pp 58-59.)

In sobriety I have to remember that my old ideas don't work! I have to recognize when I am resentful and start on breaking that resentment right away. Because if I don't I will drink the poison. Both the AA Big Book and 12 and 12 talk about resentments as the number one reason we go back out. Resentments for some reason give us justifiable anger and the permission to drink over things. They don't ever change anything, or solve any problems but oh they sure make for a great excuse to drink!

But today I am staying sober.

AA Step One - We admitted

AA Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Today I went to a new meeting that my sponsor recommended. It is a step meeting and today was the beginning of the series. I decided that I was just going to listen and absorb and as people spoke I was flooded with many emotions and memory bubbles. 

Step 1! The very first sentence of step one had me scared shitless when I first read it, "Who cares to admit complete defeat?" oh that definitely was not me! Nope, NEVER! I would do anything else I had to do but stop drinking. I've been coming around the rooms of AA for 7 years and I am going to have 3 years in two weeks, do the math, it took me a while...many relapses and 6 detoxes and 3 hospital stays, 2 alcohol awareness classes, 6 months at the county rehab then 20 months at an out patient county rehab, 5 days in jail, 2 weeks in physic ward, 2 jobs lost, 3 relationships wrecked, and loosing custody of my daughter for a year.

BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO ADMIT DEFEAT!

It wasn’t always that way; I drank for fun and had fun for many years before it all started to get crazy. And I maintained good jobs, and I got 2 degrees, and finished summa cum laude, and had lots of friends, and a nice condo, and new car, and everything right?! But then it just stop being fun…and become a crazy obsession.

While in the last rehab I was told I had to go to meetings and since I wanted to get my daughter back I started going...but I just kept looking for a way to drink normal not to actually stop drinking! One morning I woke up flat on my kitchen floor, I opened my eyes and thought wtf, I laid there for a while trying to figure out what happened...blank...could not remember a thing...what day is it? What time is it? OMG what happened? I tried to get up but I was actually still drunk and my body was in pain. I reached over to the cupboard to get another drink, go figure, but that was my turning point really, what the hell was I doing? Insane! Yes! I had no control and I was completely defeated! I thought that I only had two choices, keep drinking and hopefully die, or give up this fight and get sober... I was powerless over alcohol—my life has become unmanageable… I decided to get sober.

I remember a huge weight lifted that second, I felt certain comfort and clarity for the first time ever! That was my beginning...

Click here to read AA Step One.

My New Sober Family

Good weekend is great! Good sober weekend even better! When I have a really great time with my family, I either have a hard time believing that this is actually possible or I can't believe that I was missing out on all this!

I spent years drinking, and hating my family and everything about them. I lived blaming them for screwing me up, and everything in my life, from the very beginning of my existence. I drank at them many times because they did this to me. I lived in total victim mentally and I created a prison in my own head; a viscous and lonely prison. But miracles do happen... and one day, I was given a recovery CD, told to really pay attention to the beginning. 

The AA speaker with 26 years, started by saying, and I am paraphrasing, "What if, starting today, you forgive every single person that has ever, ever done you wrong? What if, today you accept that your parents did the best they could? What if, starting today you admit that your old ideas availed you nothing?" These were amazing words, I actually felt strange, calming feeling of freedom filling me up. I felt the hate slowly dissipate and new view of my whole life emerging. I found this so amazing I kept listening to the CD over and over, and slowly I was able to forgive, admit that I was wrong and let go…

Today I know that my parents did the best they could, at the time, and I am so grateful to have them back in my life. This is the true miracle of sobriety. These are our promises!