Resentments

"Resentment are like drinking poison and then expecting the other personal to die. "

And they sure are. Yet they seem a bit enjoyable too. When I was drinking I constantly lived in resentments. I resented everyone, all the time and for everything and I drank the poison-alcohol. I mostly drank over boyfriends, bosses and family. But really I could drink over just about anything in the world, and anything could be resented.

AA Big Book, page 66.

Last week, I was resentful that my family did not want to spend as much time with me as I wanted to spend with them. I made up all kinds of things in my head about why they did not, and well, they just didn't love me. It was obvious! (-not) But I never told them how I felt, thinking somehow they should know.

I walked around upset for a week. I shared my feelings with several of my AA friends and my sponsor and I finally realized that I was resentful. I decided to tell my dad that I missed him though this was very hard to do, and I told him that I would really like it if he come over for dinner. He was thrilled and we had a really great Sunday afternoon dinner. I kept thinking about the whole situation and how crazy it was, why couldn't I have told my dad I wanted to spend time with him in the beginning? Maybe it felt good to be mad at him, like when I was drinking. But expecting a certain behavior from someone and not telling them what that behavior is, is definitely a resentment.

And "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil..." (AA Big Book, pp 58-59.)

In sobriety I have to remember that my old ideas don't work! I have to recognize when I am resentful and start on breaking that resentment right away. Because if I don't I will drink the poison. Both the AA Big Book and 12 and 12 talk about resentments as the number one reason we go back out. Resentments for some reason give us justifiable anger and the permission to drink over things. They don't ever change anything, or solve any problems but oh they sure make for a great excuse to drink!

But today I am staying sober.