As the finale to our vacation I took the 2 older kids to the near by amusement park for the day. We had a blast! I think I am totally addicted to seeing my kids having fun, and laughing, and being excited! The four year old just kept saying, more, more! Very cool!
The normally 1.5 hour drive took double the time, plus the 90 degree weather plus the 90 percent humidity, and what seemed like miles of walking and endless squabbles between the siblings, WELL... it all had made me absolutely exhausted and grouchy! - I need a damn drink and a cigarette! Like. Now. A Shot of Tequila! - my inner self screamed! - oh no, I hope that no one heard that. - as I looked around. Lol! Strangely enough those thoughts no longer scare me. I just laugh about them, but really, it took me a while to get to this point in my sobriety. But it's like, I know now that it's just a thought. And I want to drink because I am an alcoholic. And just because I think it, doesn't mean that I have to react to it, at all.
I have million thoughts going through my head each day. I can't possibly react to all of them, (and I don't think I would want to!) but I used too react to many, almost automatically. If I thought I, I did it! I suppose this is a good method for getting things done, for positive pursuits in life, like going back to school or getting sober. But not so easy to deal with when those damn dirty thoughts about drinking creep in. I used to say them out loud to my husband - I want a drink!- it used to freak him out, but I told him that it was just a thought... and it will pass... but by saying it out loud, it was no longer inside of me, festering. I think that's why at many AA meetings they ask if anyone has had a desire to drink, I think I have only heard someone speak up a handful of times, in my years of AA, but honestly who among us has not had a desire or though about a drink not ever in sobriety? Sheesh, I still do!
But knowing that my thoughts and feelings pass and change, and giving myself the time to acknowledge that in the next 15 minutes (or so) I will most likely feel totally different, is one of the best tools for staying sober. Because I might feel like I want a drink, or a drink seems appealing, BUT I don't have to have a drink. Today I have a choice!