My daughter spent a lot time with her dad last week, she didn't want to go to another camp and since school doesn't start for another two weeks and her dad was available, she spent the days with him. Last night at dinner she sort of unloaded. I wasn't expecting it, of course, and I didn't know how to react so we just listen and try to comfort her.
She told us that her dad drank alcohol during the day and smoked many cigarettes and was agitated when she told him he shouldn't do those things so much and told her that he was an adult and he could do whatever he wanted.
Now, her dad and I were drinking buddies, I mean more than that, but really that's all we had in common. It always seemed to me that he drank more than me, and I could never keep up with him.While most of the time I got drunk he never appeared to be drunk! Yet, he drank through out the entire day and every day. At the custody case I was declared an alcoholic, he was not. I went to rehab, he did not. I could never figure out why I couldn't drink like him. Lol. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I am sober now and he is still... well, exactly the same.
My daughter knows that I am allergic to alcohol - that's how I explained it to her. And I have told her that not all people are allergic. And some people drink and it's OK. But to hear her describe how she saw her dad drink, and I am not going to go into details here, but it definitely sounded bad. She said his mood changed and he ended up falling asleep on the couch.
Hearing all this was absolutely heart breaking. I don't even have words to put together. I am scared. I am mad, I am so sorry that she has to deal with this. You see, she knows what drunk is, she remembers my last drunk! UGH.
So after talking, she asked if I could talk to him. Well, shoot, I wanted to F****n wring his damn neck. I wanted to throw all the shit he ever threw at me for being an alcoholic and damaging our daughter right back at him! I wanted to make him feel as small as he made me feel every time he pulled out the You're the alcoholic, not me! I wanted to .... Oh the list could go on and on. I felt so damn angry!
But I sat on it. I waited. I gathered my feelings. Then I called him - I think my HP was looking out for me because I felt like this call, no matter what and how I said it, would start world war three - but he didn't pick up. I left a message. I told him what she said and told him that he needs to be more considered and curb his behavior when she was with him. He called back and left a message saying that... He was an adult.
F***k! I don't give a damn if he is an adult or not, he needs to be a parent! So crazy, yet I know that if I was still drinking I would have probably said the same thing! Oh man, I though his drinking was way down. I guess he has been hiding it well and since our drop offs and pick ups are at school, I don't get to actually see him often.
This is not right. I know that. But I don't know what to do next. She is supposed to stay with him next week again. I am scared. What I want to do is not let her go over there, EVER AGAIN, but we have joint physical custody and he has the legal custody. Anyway, it appears that the tables are turning. I need to make a plan. I need to talk to my sponsor, I need to talk to my sober mom friends. I need to talk to a lawyer? I know I need to do something for sure! I just don't know what that is yet. But OMG, thank god I am SOBER! That alone gives me strength!
And... I will ask my Higher Power for guidance... I know that the answers will come!
ps. I have a new blog on WordPress called Sober Courage - check it out!