Dealing With The Down Side of The Sober Boredom

Sometimes in sobriety we get in a funk, and wonder what is all this work for and when will we finally be happy, joyous and free? And when will we be able to just live like normal people!?

 

Oh, can relate to his feeling! This happens to many of us in sobriety, and often for no reason in particular! It's the blahs, the mehs, the fuck-its! Yes, there are several names for this feeling!

Sobriety often feels like lots of work, and it may feel like the end is nowhere in sight. Things just don't seem to get better fast enough for u,s and we wonder if we really have to do this forever. Ugh! We often feel like we just want to say fuck-it, I am done with all this sobriety crap, I am done with learning about myself, and reading all the literature, and keeping my side of the street clean, and going to the meetings, and staying connected, and on, and on, and on! I want to just be, and do nothing!

The good news is that this feeling is normal, and it will pass too! "Believe it or not, you are right where you are suppose to be!" - my sponsor usual says. Sometimes, I hate when she says that. Lol! I know it's true but I don't want to hear it. She says that, because she believes that this is the time before the next growth spurt. She often reminds me that this is not a race, and there is no finish line. It's just like brushing you're teeth, you do it everyday so your teeth won't fall out! LOL!

The other good news is that if you're getting tired of waiting for the big changes, don't lose hope! One day you will stop thinking about drinking, one day you will stop craving it, one day you will stop missing it. One day not drinking will be normal to you! And one day it will just happen, and you won't really know it, till something triggers it, and then you're gonna be like, wow, I haven't thought about drinking today! As a  matter of fact, I don't know when was the last time I thought about drinking! Wow!

This will happen! I don't know when, but it will happen if you stay sober.

As far as forever, I never was able to think that way. I still say, just for today, but maybe tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I am like, well, maybe another day. What keeps me going forward now is that I don't want to start over! That is way more work, than continuing to move forward in sobriety. :)

6 Years Sober, and I am Still an Alcoholic

I had a great opportunity to lead an AA meeting today in the neighborhood where I begun my sober journey. It was so very awesome to see people who have helped me so many times and had been my strength and support throughout those early days. Believe me, it was a surreal experience to be sitting opposite of them and sharing my strength and hope - when I was struggling I could not imagine ever being in this place!

I started by saying that I am an alcoholic and that my recovery date is April 15th 2008. And that I like saying the two together because it reminds me that I am still an alcoholic, but I have been sober for (almost) 6 amazing years!! OMG! Seriously! Unbelievable! Absolute Miracle! To truly understand how huge that is, you have to understand how long my journey has been! The first time I stepped into an AA meeting was in 2002, but it was another 6 years before I got sober!

The greatest part of the fellowship, after completing the steps, is definitely the fellowship! Here, I can come to a room full of people who may or may not be strangers, yet I know them and they know me. The faces, the hugs, the stories, all intertwined together by one common disease, the willingness to change, and the desire to live sober.

There are amazing things that happen in these rooms! We find new lives and happiness. We find true friendships. And every time I step in to a room full of alcoholics I feel like I have just come home! No one can understand what it's like to have this damn disease, unless they are also afflicted by it. It's cunning, baffling and powerful and I don't ever want to forget that. Many debate whether we are recovered or recovering. Hell, I don't care what you call it! For me I will always be an alcoholic because I have the alcoholic thinking still in me even though I no longer drink. And I know that if I listen too much to my alcoholic mind, and if I am not always prepared, and even one step ahead of it, I will drink again. But if I stay sober, one day at a time, my life becomes an open road! So, I don't mind being an alcoholic, not at all, because today I am sober!

That said, if you are reading this and wondering if sobriety is for you, believe me, it is! Because the drunk existence has nothing to offer, and you and I already know that. It will rob you blind and keep coming back for more. That's all! But sobriety will bring you a new life, a new view on the world, and a renewed love for yourself! You will create new and better relationships with your family, friends and coworkers. You will find happiness in simple things. You will be able to be honest and look people in the eye when you talk to them. You will be able to let go of your shame and guilt and gain confidence and strength. You will be open to many opportunities that would have never be available for you when you were drinking.

If you're open to checking out AA, here is some information to get you started.

Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. (From: Alcoholics Anonymous Preamble.)

• How It Works
• Is AA for you?
• How to Find AA Meetings

Weekend With Family Sober

My family has descended on our house this weekend. This was not planned at all, as matter of fact we had a low key weekend planned with just few activities so that the kids would be rested and ready for the first day of school. But instead my family come over on Saturday and my husband's family on Sunday. I am absolutely exhausted, my back burst and I am still trying to get the house back in order!  - but, enough whining. :)

I was actually thinking how different these times are now. First of all, when I was drinking, no one was allowed to just show up at my house, uninvited and without calling way in advance. I mean, I had to do lots of prep work, clean the house, get rid of the empties, and get my self semi-sober so I could function and pretend that everything was perfect. Than I would buy a bunch food from the fancy gourmet store,because that would give that appearance that I had money! (of course I didn't, but there was always a credit card in my pocket!) And then there was the trip to the "beverage" store!

Yes, I spared no expenses to keep up the appearances. LOL! And I did it all this by myself; I was the hostess, the bartender and the chef all in one! I would also stress out about it all, to the max, actually I couldn't even sleep at night and drank way more just to "cope." I had to be perfect, the house had to be perfect and the "party" had to be perfect. This had to be the event that everyone talked about for days!

Of course all that was just a facade. This was not the real me or anything about me or my life. I was a mess and my life was a mess but I was definitely not gonna let any of my family members know. So ultimately, I didn't have many gatherings with my family. :/

This weekend was an absolute opposite! People showed up, people left. We made food when we were hungry and snacked on things I had in my pantry. There was no alcohol served! - it never is in my house anymore, and I think I am going to keep it that way. We drank lots of ice tea and coffee, and we grilled up a storm. Kids laughter and adult chatter filled the air. The house was semi-clean, then messy, than really messy, then cleaned and then... messy again! It felt like home! Our home! It felt like I always imagined my home to be!

This is sobriety in action for me. I remember when people were telling me this is how it was going to be when I go sober and I didn't believe them. But it is happening, right now, and right before my eyes. This is once again, another awesome example of why I continue my sober life!

I have a new blog on WordPress called Sober Courage - check it out!

The Answers Will Come

My daughter spent a lot time with her dad last week, she didn't want to go to another camp and since school doesn't start for another two weeks and her dad was available, she spent the days with him. Last night at dinner she sort of unloaded. I wasn't expecting it, of course, and I didn't know how to react so we just listen and try to comfort her.

She told us that her dad drank alcohol during the day and smoked many cigarettes and was agitated when she told him he shouldn't do those things so much and told her that he was an adult and he could do whatever he wanted.

Now, her dad and I were drinking buddies, I mean more than that, but really that's all we had in common. It always seemed to me that he drank more than me, and I could never keep up with him.While  most of the time I got drunk he never appeared to be drunk! Yet, he drank through out the entire day and every day. At the custody case I was declared an alcoholic, he was not. I went to rehab, he did not. I could never figure out why I couldn't drink like him. Lol. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I am sober now and he is still... well, exactly the same.

My daughter knows that I am allergic to alcohol - that's how I explained it to her. And I have told her that not all people are allergic. And some people drink and it's OK. But to hear her describe how she saw her dad drink, and I am not going to go into details here, but it definitely sounded bad. She said his mood changed and he ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Hearing all this was absolutely heart breaking. I don't even have words to put together. I am scared. I am mad, I am so sorry that she has to deal with this. You see, she knows what drunk is, she remembers my last drunk! UGH.

So after talking, she asked if I could talk to him. Well, shoot, I wanted to F****n wring his damn neck. I wanted to throw all the shit he ever threw at me for being an alcoholic and damaging our daughter right back at him! I wanted to make him feel as small as he made me feel every time he pulled out the You're the alcoholic, not me! I wanted to .... Oh the list could go on and on. I felt so damn angry!

But I sat on it. I waited. I gathered my feelings. Then I called him - I think my HP was looking out for me because I felt like this call, no matter what and how I said it, would start world war three - but he didn't pick up. I left a message. I told him what she said and told him that he needs to be more considered and curb his behavior when she was with him. He called back and left a message saying that... He was an adult. 

F***k! I don't give a damn if he is an adult or not, he needs to be a parent! So crazy, yet I know that if I was still drinking I would  have probably said the same thing! Oh man, I though his drinking was way down. I guess he has been hiding it well and since our drop offs and pick ups are at school, I don't get to actually see him often. 

This is not right. I know that. But I don't know what to do next. She is supposed to stay with him next week again. I am scared. What I want to do is not let her go over there, EVER AGAIN, but we have joint physical custody and he has the legal custody. Anyway, it appears that the tables are turning. I need to make a plan. I need to talk to my sponsor, I need to talk to my sober mom friends. I need to talk to a lawyer? I know I need to do something for sure! I just don't  know what that is yet. But OMG, thank god I am SOBER! That alone gives me strength!

And... I will ask my Higher Power for guidance... I know that the answers will come!

ps. I have a new blog on WordPress called Sober Courage - check it out!

Bloom Where You're Planted Sober

Making the best of what is in front of me has not been my natural instinct. And being happy with what I have is not either. I am used to getting in the self pity mode and then envy takes over, and I am miserable and feel like I will never measure up to others. I can be a very harsh judge of my own self.

When I was drinking the envy that I felt, was just another reason to drink. As my friends were buying houses and getting great jobs, I was still "partying" and enjoying my "freedom." Comparing myself to others was constant and it kept my head occupied for days. At the same time, I actually did nothing to "get" those things that I though I should have. Somehow I just thought they should all just happen! There seemed to be a big difference between how I thought life happened when I was drinking, and how it really happen when I was drinking! I never thought it was my drinking that held me back or was the cause of my troubles. I just blamed others for not being where I should be in life or where I though I should be in life. I always thought it was my bad upbringing, or lack of money, or bad luck, or of course just being me.


After I got sober there was this period when I was trying to catch up to everyone else. Having had lost at least 15 years to alcoholic drinking I felt way behind. So I went back to school, got the good job, got married, bought a house, and had kids. Ahhh, finally I have arrived I thought! Strangely enough that remained me of the time when I was partying at the Plaza hotel in New York city and I totally felt like I have arrived - sort off the topic, but it was just an interesting observation about how life changes and things that used to be important change too! 

There is always going to be someone out there that has everything that I do not! I have realized that for me envy is caused by a dissatisfaction with my own perception of me; I, for some reason, feel inferior to the person I envy. Why do I feel inferior at all? I believe this is related to shame. Shame of being an alcoholic. And years of believing that I am nothing. But today I am a sober alcoholic, I live an honest life, and I have a good life. I have all that I need.

I am enough, I have enough, I do enough.

The longer I am sober the more comfortable I am with me and my life. I have no reason to envy others, not that I ever had a reason, really! And I realize today that I have been given a second chance at life, and that alone is worth more than any "perfection" out there. My life only has to be perfect to me :)

Sobriety ROCKS!

Happy Monday Sober

Yes, it is! The sun is shining and I am setting myself up to have a good day. I strongly believe that if you think positive, positive things will happen :)

This used to be extremely difficult for me. I usually got up on a Monday morning with the hazy reminder of whatever I drank and did during the weekend. Still most of the time, buzzed, or with the terrible hangover brewing, I would scramble to get ready for work. I would stop few times to examine how bad I felt and decide if calling in sick was an option. -But what would people think? Ugh. Better go in.- So I would do a good scrub down in the shower and then plaster some strong smelling lotion on my body and brush my teeth and tongue vigorously. All this, just in case I still had booze in my system and it was oozing out of my pores. I had a hard time telling if I was still buzzed, I had this method to check, I would turn my head from size to side, quickly; if things seemed to be moving at the same speed as my head, I was ok, if they were moving slower... I was still buzzed, if I couldn't swing my head too well, then I was still drunk!

View outside my office window.

On the way to work I would smoke few cigarettes, one after another, in hope that smelling like an ashtray would be better than smelling like a brewery!  And I remember thinking that exact thing! Lol! How did that make sense to me is just besides me! 

And so my day would begin, countless cups of coffee and gallons of water, no food - couldn't eat much - and popping Tylenol like it was going out of style! And staying away from people at all costs. And anger, lots of anger, for all reasons, and the fact that my head was pounding something awful! And please don't talk to me, and don't even look at me, just let me sit here and get thru this! The hours would pass by oh so very slowly, and all I could think about was my first drink after work that would alleviate all this misery, and...  inevitably start the entire process all over again! Crazy.

Today, I don't have to do any of this! (- I mean I still shower and brush my teeth, LoL!-) What a joy it is to get up and embrace the day! No hangover, no shame from the weekend happenings, no worries. Just get up and go, and be present, embrace the day and enjoy LIFE! Sobriety rocks!

Happy Monday!

In My Subconscious

I have about a four block walk from the metro train stop to my office, through the main part of the city, along the famous street that gets closed often so that the presidential caravan can pass through on the way to the White House. So to say the least, a very busy section of the city.

Last night I had a dream, or a nightmare?, ok, a dream, that I walked the four blocks wearing a black t-shirt with huge white letters that said ALCOHOLIC.  As I was walking, with every step, I felt the piercing stares of others, whispering and laughing and pointing at me. I felt extremely uncomfortable and I wanted to run and hide, but there was nowhere to go. I kept walking and trying to keep the appearance that I was strong and proud. But inside I was absolutely freaking out. Then I woke up! Hmmm… I think the t-shirt was supposed to say SOBER! LOL!



You can purchase this T-Shirt from www.zazzle.com

Today on my walk to work, I thought about my dream as I was passing the crowds on the street. I wondered. Would they really stare? Would they even notice? In the city you see some crazy stuff sometimes. I mean really c.r.a.z.y.! So I am not sure that anyone would really notice.

I wonder if all this is really, just in my head!

When I got to my office I told my coworker about my dream and asked him what he thought would happen if I actually did that. He knows that I am in recovery and has been very supportive, so maybe he is somewhat bias, but he said no, no one would care! I asked why he thought that. He said it wasn't strange/weird/crazy enough for the city, maybe in the suburbs where I live, I would have a better chance of turning heads. LOL! Turning heads.... Ha Ha!


So I don’t know. I found it interesting that my dream was so powerful and it came just as I have decided to “out” myself more. I guess, there still is, that part of me, which feels shameful… and afraid! But that’s OK, any change can be hard to adjust to. I am just going to keep doing it and it will become easier. Practice makes perfect, right?! The important part for me, is that I stay true to myself!

p.s. I think I am going to have to get one of those t-shirts!