Invite to a Winery

So it finally happened, our normie friends invited us to a drinking event! I got this lovely email the other day, here is a piece of it:

"We are planning an outing at the Winery in the country this Saturday with the kids. It is beautiful there – beautiful scenery/outdoor area where you can ample or buys local wine and cheese. People bring lawn chairs, blankets, picnic dinners, and hang out and drink lots of wine of course!"

Oh I think my heart skipped a beat for a bit as I read it! Sounds like so much fun, we should go, they are bringing their kids, and it's a picnic... never mind the Winery part. That's ok, I mean how bad can it be, its not like going to a concert, or something, right!? And then a bowling ball fell in my stomach. Confusion... Any wine event used to be the place to be for me, at least in the early days before I settled to drinking out of a 3 liter box.

In my mind I have already created and elaborate party, amidst the Winery fields and people dancing and drinking and having fun! Sort of something like straight out of the 18th century. Big dresses and wigs and all! And wine flowing like water! LOL! Well, I sure live in some dream land sometimes! Lol! But reality is... I have to be honest with myself and a winery is not a safe place for me!

So now what? I guess I could say, thank you, but we are busy or I could say the truth. And I don't want to get another invitation like this. I guess it is time to tell them!

I talked to several people in recovery to get some ideas on how to say it all. Then I wrote a short reply. I thank them for thinking of us and inviting us to the even. Then I explained that my husband and I are in recovery and the winery would not be a safe place for us to be. I also mentioned that we would love for them to come over for a cookout sometime. I figured that way they would know that it had nothing to do with them, we just can't be around lots of drinking.

I felt really good about the email, though a bit nervous when few days went by and they didn't reply. But finally they did and said that they would love to come over for a cookout! Wheeew.

This wasn't as easy as I though it would be. I though I was totally ready to just let the world know that I am sober. And at many times I am, especially when I am in a situation like someone tries to hand me a drink or asks me to happy hour. But maybe this was different. I like these people and there was a small part of me thinking that I might lose their friendship. But I suppose if they had an issue with us being sober than the friendship wasn't worth it anyway.

My sobriety has to come first!

Those Dirty Thoughts Sober

As the finale to our vacation I took the 2 older kids to the near by amusement park for the day. We had a blast! I think I am totally addicted to seeing my kids having fun, and laughing, and being excited! The four year old just kept saying, more, more! Very cool!

But...

The normally 1.5 hour drive took double the time, plus the 90 degree weather plus the 90 percent humidity, and what seemed like miles of walking and endless squabbles between the siblings, WELL... it all had made me absolutely exhausted and grouchy! - I need a damn drink and a cigarette! Like. Now. A Shot of Tequila! - my inner self screamed! - oh no, I hope that no one heard that. - as I looked around. Lol! Strangely enough those thoughts no longer scare me. I just laugh about them, but really, it took me a while to get to this point in my sobriety. But it's like, I know now that it's just a thought. And I want to drink because I am an alcoholic. And just because I think it, doesn't mean that I have to react to it, at all.

I have million thoughts going through my head each day. I can't possibly react to all of them, (and I don't think I would want to!) but I used too react to many, almost automatically. If I thought I, I did it! I suppose this is a good method for getting things done, for positive pursuits in life, like going back to school or getting sober. But not so easy to deal with when those damn dirty thoughts about drinking creep in. I used to say them out loud to my husband - I want a drink!- it used to freak him out, but I told him that it was just a thought... and it will pass... but by saying it out loud, it was no longer inside of me, festering. I think that's why at many AA meetings they ask if anyone has had a desire to drink, I think I have only heard someone speak up a handful of times, in my years of AA, but honestly who among us has not had a desire or though about a drink not ever in sobriety? Sheesh, I still do!

But knowing that my thoughts and feelings pass and change, and giving myself the time to acknowledge that in the next 15 minutes (or so) I will most likely feel totally different, is one of the best tools for staying sober. Because I might feel like I want a drink, or a drink seems appealing, BUT I don't have to have a drink. Today I have a choice!

Be Proud to be Sober

I have been outing myself more and more. I hope I am not going against the AA traditions, but I am feeling like what is the point of being in recovery if no one knows and I can't share it and hopefully help someone else. So here and there I have just been disclosing more about being sober and my recovery. In talking to few people, I have realized that I tend to be more bothered by being the one not drinking than the people around me. People just don't seem to care as much as I think they do. Strangely enough, we are the one who still carry all the shame associated with alcoholism.

I know that being sober I admit that I have a problem, I admit that I am an alcoholic. Yes, it sounds rough, leaves a bit of a bad taste in the mouth, huh? But it is the truth. I have the disease of alcoholism, no matter how you phrase it. At the same time I am a sober alcoholic which means that I have been able to turn my life around despite the low statistics - only about 3% of people that try recovery, actually succeed. But I didn't do it alone! It's time to share with others what has freely been given to me in hope that they too find the strength and are encouraged to do the same. We don't have to suffer alone!

I know there is stigma still surrounding alcoholism and addiction. I know some people still believe that it is a lack of self control and no moral standards that cause our addictions. But you know what, that is just not true, you know it and I know it! If I could have willed it away I would have! And today,  I'd rather people say, oh there is that boring girl who doesn't drink anymore, than oh there is that drunk girl again, wonder what fiasco she will cause tonight! And, you know, really, what other people think of me is none of my business, because if it is not this, then there will be something else they will find to talk about.  I am no better or worse than others!

Acceptance is the key here. We are all exactly how we are supposed to be. We are all where we are supposed to be. We all have issues to deal with. I am an alcoholic. That doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes ME.

I wish I felt this way in early sobriety, maybe I wouldn't have done so much research, and questioned it so much: am I? am I not? Who cares, really. I knew the answer long before my last drink. And if getting sober seemed like an amazing thing to do, like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, maybe I would have gotten to it sooner! But getting sober seemed shameful! Why?

The point is that sobriety should not be shameful! We who find sobriety have worked our arses off and continue to do so to stay sober! That is a lot of work and perseverance! Getting sober IS amazing and for me the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. If everyone out there understood how horribly difficult it is to deal with this cunning and baffling disease of addiction, they too would be proud!  And maybe the people still struggling with their addiction would find it easier to raise above and get sober! And then you can run a marathon or climb a mountain too! We should be proud! I AM proud!

YOU. Should. Be. Proud!

Vacation Sober

Ahhh. Vacation! Yes!

I started writing this before we left but I didn't get a chance to post it, so well, here it is from the beginning:

      I am really looking forward to our vacation at the beach. We are going to unplug! No electronics! The funny part is that I am hoping that I will be ok with that; little addicted to it all? Hmmm maybe.

So I was sitting here at my desk, and thinking about what I have learned about being sober on vacation, and I was trying to remember what my vacations were like when I was drinking. And you know what? I don't remember. I can not remember! OMG. I know I took vacations, well, maybe I did not? No there had to be some. Well, I don't know if I don't remember because I was always drunk or because I just didn't go. Probably a little of both. Sigh.

Our last vacation was exhausting. Yep. That's what I remember the most and that it seemed as if everyone around us was drinking. We stayed at a kid friendly resort; it actually advertised itself as kid friendly! So naturally we thought it would be "safe" right? I mean parents don't drink around their kids right? Wrong. At the pool, in the game room, at the snack stand - they were drinking everywhere. I didn't expect this at all. But of course there is a big difference between how I would have drank and how these people drank! This was two years ago with 3 years sober and I found myself very envious and resentful. The "why me" hang over me the first few days and I couldn't shake it. They seemed like normal folk, aren't we normal folk? Ugh. Well no, in a way we are not. But, today I have to say, that I feel much more confident in my sobriety. So I am hoping that I will not have such a hard time :)

 Read more about my last vacation: Sober Vacation

      And now sitting in the car, on our way back from the beach, I am exhausted again! It was all just none stop, go, go go! But we had an awesome time! I have actually learned how to focus on those great moments and be grateful for them! And I took a billion pictures, with my phone, because I forgot my camera! Yep! Building new memories! These are the "Good old days!" - As my sponsor says!

And yes, once again there was drinking around us! Strangely enough, way less than at the kid friendly resort, but... I still had the same feelings of resentment that they could and I couldn't. Yep. Still there, at least for the first day. Good grief, it is hard to believe that It is still so easily to get my mind wrapped up in the illusion of glamorous drinking. I must say I admire the people that say they were able to put down the drink and never look back! That's not me I guess, and well, that's OK. With time, it has become much easier, that is for sure. I definitely don't have the same cravings and craziness in my mind as I used to have in the first year or so of sobriety.

I think the difference now is that I have my tools and I actually use them; it has sort of become a habit! I immediately look for things I can do to get my mind in different direction, instead of letting myself dwell on the feelings and letting them fester. Usually I first tell someone, like my sponsor or my husband who is also in recovery - but they were not available because I was at the pool with the two older kids when my first drinking feelings came on. So then I knew I just needed to stop staring and focusing on the drinking people, so, I got in the pool and chased my kids around pretending to be a shark! Lol! In a matter of minutes I had totally forgotten about being resentful. Lol! Good times! Later, I cheated with the no electronics rule a bit, well the phone doesn't count does it? - so I read a whole bunch if great blogs; that is a great tool, I tell ya it is so nice to have this cyber support that you can access at any time!  I am so grateful to be sober, and to all the sober bloggers, thank you!

-Maggie

Celebrationg a Happy Mother's Day Sober

Yes, I am a bit late with this post. I've been hanging in self-pity because my mom is gone and my husband did not live up to my expectations of my perfect Mother's day. Sheesh!! Bit self-center, still? Ya think!? Ugh. And I do miss my mom something awful. All these occasions used to be special and especially spent with her! But now they are no more. Just memories. But I am so very grateful that I have a wonderful mom in-law who has graciously opened her home and heart to me. What a gift! Soooo..... I am turning this crap in my head around; time to make a gratitude list...

I am grateful to be sober
I am grateful to have a loving family
I am grateful to have great kids
I am grateful to be able to be present for life
I am grateful to have had the chance to live a better life

I am grateful ______________________________________(you fill in the blank)

Happy belated mother's day to all the great moms, aunts, grandmas and teachers! It takes a village!!! And how grateful am I? I can't even put it into words. Being a sober mom sure beats being a drunk one! Let me tell you!

I lost custody of my daughter when she was five months old! Ugh. Things like this you may only hear on the news, right? Drunk, neglectful parents in some remote part of the country! Well maybe that's what most people would think, but we are just a middle class folk, living in the burbs... Yes, this happens in the burbs too. Anyway, she was put in a temporary foster care, while the county tried to figure out if we were fit parents. They cleared my ex and ordered me to go to rehab. For the next 6 months I got to see my daughter in a tiny little room, for an hour, once a week. My first mother's day, I got an hour with her, at my ex's house, with a county Child Protective Services supervisor present. Oh, I still have those memories etched in my head, crystal clear, never to be forgotten.

Today, I don't have to deal with any of that. Today, being a sober mom is the best gift I could give myself and my kids. Today, I am there for my kids and I am capable of taking care of them the right way. I am able to meet their needs and hopefully guide them in the right direction. It's not always easy, parenting is hard, but I am able to face the issues and come to some resolutions. I can lead by example.

And I get to hug them and tell them that I love them every day!
Only, because - I am sober.

AA Meetings - Feels Like Home

I went to my very favorite AA meeting the other day. It was great to see so many people that I now call friends! The topic was going to any lengths and the speaker seemed to have been telling my story. I love meetings, no where else I feel more at home, no where else I can laugh and cry at the same time, no where else I hear someone who has felt like me, no where else I know people aren't judging me and no where else people will call me out on my own bullshit! And there is no better cure for me than an hour in an AA meeting.

In the beginning I definitely had the same stigma about AA as most people. I thought it was a religious cult that made you believe and follow their special god. I thought that they brain wash you there and make you follow their 12 steps, and they probably want your money, and the secretly laugh at all your stories. I thought that you must be completely desperate to be in AA. And all those boring, sober people in one place, what could they be talking about? They must have no lives to be a part of that! Well, I had no life either! So, I kept going...

I remember after my first few meetings realizing that if I opened my mouth people would try to talk to me, and give me advice; it was so overwhelming and quite frustrating, so I stopped opening my mouth. I didn't need any advice anyway! I was just fine by myself - you know what fine stands for right? - F-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional! Lol! And, yes I was all of the above! 

This was also my huge denial stage, I thought I had a problem but I wasn't quite convinced. So for a while everything about the meetings irritated me; the sayings - Keep coming back! One day at a time! Easy does it! (Say what?) and Going to any lengths- drove me nuts! The prayers that everyone seemed to know, the happy stories of finding sobriety, the gratitude lists and the holding hands! (yes holding hands!) ugh. People celebrating long lengths of sobriety even irritated me, I mean how the hell and why the hell would you want to be sober for like 10 years or 20 or 30! That's insane, I thought. Oh and the literature, good grief, people were quoting things out of the books like they had them memorized! Nuts! (p.s if you regularly visit my blog, I always try to reference the literature! Lol!) 

But, I kept coming back... I don't know when things changed, I don't remember how long it took. But my sponsor eventually become my best friend; a real friend, I never had a real friend, they were all bar flies... She was kind and gentle and funny, and made me do the steps! Ha ha. And I need it all, I had no clue how to go about getting sober, or living a life. I needed daily guidance and support. I needed to hear that someone understood, I needed to know that someone has been there. I realized that without them I could not stay sober. Slowly the people in the AA have become my network, my support and my family.

At the end of the meetings in my area, we hold hands in a circle to remind us that we are not alone.

Note: I realize that AA may not be for everyone, but if you are struggling with alcohol and are looking for more information about AA - Alcoholic Anonymous, or you are looking for a meeting in your area, please go to the AA website at www.aa.org.

Another St. Patty's Day Sober!

So, of course I have to reminisce about the good old days!

I remember once, I went with few friends to an Irish pub in old town, it was 8 am - yes in the morning - and the bar was opening at 9 am for St. Patrick's day. There was a long line outside holding the promise of this being the place to be! When we finally got in, the bar was packed and loud and I thought it was awesome! It was hard to get to the bar and even harder to get drinks. So after the first round of Guinness, of course, and some shots of Jameson, we were ordering doubles of everything, you know just in case it took to long to get another drink!

And... that's about all I remember.... I woke up in the back seat of our empty car! Apparently I got really sloshed, so my "friends" took me out to the car and left me there while they continued the festivities! I remember thinking, that it was only early afternoon, there was much more time to party! So I went back to the bar and they were still there! They made fun of me for a bit, saying that I was a light weight! Ha! So I showed them! And there went some more Guinness and Jameson! And I don't remember the rest.

That was that and I am sure the next day was spent hangover, full of shame, trying to piece the day/night together, figuring out how, who and when, and swearing not to drink starting at 9 am ever again, which I of course did happen again...

So today, it's St. Patty's day and I feel as lucky as a jolly leprechaun to be sober! I will go to a meeting in the morning and see some of my favorite people and hear their crazy St. Patty's stories. Then we will celbrate my daughters 9.5 bday - yes, the half is very imortant she says! -  and we will laugh and play and enjoying being a family. Then I will go to bed sober and I will wake up sober, and there will be no shame, no guilt, no beating myself up, and no trying to piece together the previous day. Then I will go to work sober and deal with my grouchy hangover coworkers, who at times like these, are the perfect reminder of why I don't drink anymore!

The Sober Alcoholic

I had a light hearted conversation with a coworker yesterday about how times have changed... I know I totally aged myself since he is about 10 years younger than me! Lol! The gist of the conversation was -  remember when? As he replied to few things I mentioned by saying the he has heard of that, we laughed and carried on. At some point the conversation switched, and for the life of me I can't remember to what topic exactly, but what was said after that has stuck in my head. He said, - well you could always been one of those bottom of the barrel drunks, sitting under the bridge, drinking out of a paper bag warped jug of vodka! and I exclaimed, - OH, NO, not going back there again, been there done that!- and then we all laughed and went back to work.

I felt strange afterwards, like I just outed myself! And then I thought, is being the bottom of the barrel drunk, the worst thing in the world?! My coworkers all know that I don't drink, I told them all so they would not keep asking me to happy hour and such, and so they would not ask at company events why I am not drinking, I just like to get that out of the way. But I have never said why, though when asked, I have said that it makes me crazy. Lol!               And that's when I though, wow, I don't really feel offended! I feel grateful, I feel amazed that I am no longer one of those bottom of the barrel drunks! But I was one for sure. I might have never lived under the bridge or, drank out of paper bag, or drank vodka, well let me rephrase that, I drank vodka if it was there, but I usually didn't buy it, well, I bought it few times too...but, well, the point is that I was the bottom of the barrel drunk! I was hopeless. I thought I would never get sober. So when I did finally get sober, I tended to sort of feel ashamed that I didn't drink, and that I was sober. 

A sober alcoholic should be good, but I guess because if you are admitting to be sober, you are also admitting that you have been a drunk! Why is it cool to drink but not cool to be sober!? Why is it hard to tell people that you are sober, why aren't they instantaneously  happy for you? Why do they automatically judge you... it's bad to be sober and it's bad to be a drunk? -hmmmm. 

Oh well, it's ok, I don't have to understand everything or everyone. I don't have to argue, plead or convince anyone anymore. (especially not myself!) I know the truth. I know who I am, and I think am, finally, quite OK with that! I am proud to be the sober alcoholic!

Happy Friday!

The Growth Spurt

Good grief, sometimes I feel like nothing is wrong yet noting is right!  I manage to get obsessed about this and the other, and then I finally get over it and as soon as I do, I find something new to dwell on. And I am constantly in my head and I can't seem to be able to quiet it down. I think my thoughts are running a mile a minute! I don't know what's going on!

Except, I think I am going thru a  growth spurt of some sort. Usually, I seem to get crazy right before I am going to go thru a spiritual change, like an enlightenment about something, or maybe I will learn something new that will help me live a better life. I can feel it coming, and because the change is also scary, I am feeling all discombobulated. But then it happens and I feel an amazing relief and openness! Of course I don't know what this new thing maybe be. Oh well, just got to wait till it happens; let go and let God. (Ha ha, that is a repeating solution right?) It's ok. Everything is just OK! 

Then, I was thinking that my Anniversary is coming up next month, and I am feeling like I should have done much more in 5 years, I mean I should have had more growth spiritually I think. And at the same time I can't believe that it has been 5 years since I took a drink. WOW. Unbelievable. Crazy, unbelievable! How did that happen!?

Interestingly enough, I read this blog few nights ago called Lowering the Boom Box written by the wonderful Paul of the Message in the Bottle blog. It is about being comfortable in the silence instead of always tuning out with something else. He writes:

Silence is what my mind and soul craves these days. I seek solace in the silence and navigate my way through my own spirit without distractions. I let the low humming of passing cars be my mantra. I find comfort in the swishing of skate blades on ice as I sit in the park near the rink. Rain on the hood of my car is as soothing as anything else I can find on itunes. Silence is my music now.

I really have been thinking about this because I've been sooo in my head and frankly, I am getting really tired of it. And wether I am having a growth spurt or not, I don't like the way I am feeling, so I am going to try to change it. I suppose this is sort of like meditation, just using the sounds that you find around you; I think I can do that, well I am going to try it anyway! Hope that will quiet my head :)

Who Cares to Admit Complete Defeat?

One of my friends recently got admitted to rehab and it got me thinking again. I was re-living some emotions from my many times spent in detox, and rehab. I still remember the despair I felt. The humiliation, and the total disbelief of what was happening. Yet it was very real. I swore, every time, that it would be the last time this was going to happen to me. Unfortunately it happened several more times until I was ready to take the first step.

Step 1 of the AA 12 and 12 book is the only step that I have to do every day and do it perfectly. I think it is so true, that no alcoholic is able to get and stay sober until he hits his own bottom. And everyone's bottom is different. I though, several times before I quit, that I have hit my bottom. And the last time I quit I didn't know it was going to be my last time. I fought it as much and as hard as I could. Nothing scared me, nothing, until I scared myself.

But I am so amazed that I got sober. Some people never get sober and die trying. And yet some get it the very first time. For me the first step was so crucial. To recognize that I have no control over alcohol (or drugs) and that my life has become unmanageable was so very difficult! Because the drug itself makes you believe that things are ok. And no matter what others say. I wanted things to be ok too. But they surly were not!

Admitting that I had a problem was so very hard; "Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness." -AA twelve and twelve, pg. 21. That sentence just stuck in my head for so long, I would have given anything, seriously anything just so I was not an alcoholic. But my last drunk was so crazy and with no abviouse reason to it, that i just felt totally beaten down, I had no control over it at all. So I made a decision that I was done. Coming to acceptance that I cannot control my drinking actually freed me from the crazy mental obsession and opened up a wole world of possibilities. One day at a time, one step at a time!

Alcohol Doesn't Discriminate

I ran into a man today, who I have know for several years. We have absolutely nothing in common if you just picked us out of the crowd. We definitely appear to be from two different worlds.  Except.... we are both drunks that got sober and are on the same train to work this morning. I had this though stuck in my head; is this a weird coincidence? There are so many different people in AA. Sometimes it is hard to believe that these seemingly normal people are alcoholics.  Sometimes I can't even image some of them as drunkards! But this disease does not discriminate at all. People from every age group, social, economic and ethnic backgrounds have been affected. And remembering some of  the man's stories from AA meetings, it's almost hard to believe that this man in a expensive suit, with a fancy briefcase is now working for congress! It is truly a miracle that we are able to get sober.  And when we get sober we truly are able to thrive.

In My Head

My 3 year old hit his head yesterday. Nothing huge it seemed, he didn't even cry much. But the wound was pretty deep, nothing that a band-aid would be enough for. So we went to the ER. In the 15 minute ride to the hospital my mind went off, wondering...

"Is he going to be ok, did he have any severe injury, was he going to be handicapped, oh gosh handicapped? What kind? No it's not that bad.  They will have to do X-rays, maybe stitches. Oh, will the stitches hurt. It's probably nothing, nothing at all. Or he will be dead...like I've seem on one of those shows. The child seems ok then a vein pops in their head and they are dead!  If he dies I don't think I could handle it. If he dies I am definitely getting drunk. OMG. I am sure no one will care if I start drinking. I mean, how do you deal with something like that?"

As we were sitting in the ER room waiting for the doctor, I kept thinking about this thought process that I had. I wondered if everyone thinks that way too. Would they just get drunk? And would I really start drinking? I didn't when my mom died. And I don't even remember really wanting too.

So I am not sure. It has been a while since I drank alcohol. Sometimes I still miss it. But most of the time it still scares me.  I do know that for me life was miserable when drinking. I am scared to live that life again. But when I am faced with catastrophe, even made up one, my first instinct is still to get drunk.

It Is Not All About Me

It has been a weird week for me. Really rolling in the self pitty! Why you ask? No clue. Nothing is wrong. Except I seem to have these unbelievably high expectations of people and they keep disappointing me by not behaving the way I think they should. So therefore they must not like or care about me, and then one loves me and I suck! Damn head is so screwed up sometimes.

I can't seem to stop making things about me. It's all because of me, to me, for me, not for me, but definitely me,me,me!  I would really like me to stop it. Lol!

I hear in the rooms of AA that this is the alcoholic thinking. I am not sure that a agree, but I definitely am aware of it and how much time I am capable of spending, analyzing things, whether they are about me or not. And of course most of the time they are about me. Lol!

No, they actually are not. I really am not the center of the universe. And others do not do things just to piss me of or hurt me. And there is absolutely no reason to take everything personally. People do things based on their own believes, not mine. What makes sense to me may not and most likely will not make sense to others. Each one of us does in fact live in their own world!

Thank god its not all about me!

I am OK

Well I think I am ok. Mom is getting worse, my poor brother had to see my dad - the Rock - crying on Sunday. I've had the fuck-its on and off but haven't want to drink, well that's not entirely true, I've been wanting something to make this all go away! But then Amy Winehouse died and bam! There it is again, this shit kills! So I am sober, not quite happy about it at times...but the alternative is so much worse!