September 17, 2012

In My Head

My 3 year old hit his head yesterday. Nothing huge it seemed, he didn't even cry much. But the wound was pretty deep, nothing that a band-aid would be enough for. So we went to the ER. In the 15 minute ride to the hospital my mind went off, wondering...

"Is he going to be ok, did he have any severe injury, was he going to be handicapped, oh gosh handicapped? What kind? No it's not that bad.  They will have to do X-rays, maybe stitches. Oh, will the stitches hurt. It's probably nothing, nothing at all. Or he will be I've seem on one of those shows. The child seems ok then a vein pops in their head and they are dead!  If he dies I don't think I could handle it. If he dies I am definitely getting drunk. OMG. I am sure no one will care if I start drinking. I mean, how do you deal with something like that?"

As we were sitting in the ER room waiting for the doctor, I kept thinking about this thought process that I had. I wondered if everyone thinks that way too. Would they just get drunk? And would I really start drinking? I didn't when my mom died. And I don't even remember really wanting too.

So I am not sure. It has been a while since I drank alcohol. Sometimes I still miss it. But most of the time it still scares me.  I do know that for me life was miserable when drinking. I am scared to live that life again. But when I am faced with catastrophe, even made up one, my first instinct is still to get drunk.

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