Here I pondered: well too many rules - yep, yep, well, all those steps to follow - yep, yep. Well, you have to get a sponsor, yep... and all the meetings and 90 & 90 and the books and ... Yep, yep, yep again. And of course I am strong too and I am determined and self-sufficient, yep, yep, and... I am 5 years sober for goodness sake! YEP! That is a long time! Geeez, I should have this ALL figured out! I shouldn't have to do all that work anymore! I think… maybe little less would be better.... hmmm.
Then yesterday morning I get a text- Hi, would you like to share your experience, strength and hope at a meeting tonight? - oh goodness I thought, ummm, well, .... I was going to do less... Dag, but... I was always told you never say no to being of service, (dag another rule!) consequently, I said... Yes.
And so, I go to the meeting, I am a little early, I get many hugs, I see people I haven't seen in a long time and they are still sober! Totally awesome! I share my story, I get few laughs, I get few tears, I even get some tears myself as a woman recalls my first few months in AA – oh how stubborn was I! LOL! I look around the room, people are nodding and relating. A woman shares about when she comes to the rooms she feels like this is the only place that makes sense to her. A man shares about struggling with the springtime weather and wanting to drink, another shares about wanting to drink with her coworkers after a job well done! Another talks about the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stay sober and she is going to keep coming back!
Then a woman shares about not being sure that she is an alcoholic, and not being sure that AA is the right fit for her, sometimes she feels like she cannot relate to any of the stores, but she can always relate to the feelings, the feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness! She then says, "The day I think that I have it all figured out, is the day I need to get my ass back in a meeting, because it is cunning and baffling!"
Oh man, did that hit home! A light bulb moment! Yep. Yep. This disease wants me to believe I have it all figured out! But don't! I need AA; I am a better person because of the 12 steps. I do not want to go back to that crazy life. And, I have heard too many times by now about people who get complacent, they don't keep doing steps, they don't keep helping others, they don't stay connected and then... BAM! They drink again! Why am I even questioning this?? Uhg. No matter how we stay sober we just need to keep doing what we are doing. Pushing forward! Keep calm and carry on!
So I reflect back to the little paragraph which is at the end of the Step One chapter. This is my reminder that I need to keep diligent!
Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect—unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. - AA 12 Steps And 12 Traditions