Acceptance seems so incredably impossible lately. Yet I feel like it is crucial to my sobriety. Unlike normal people I have to watch out for the triggers first. This sometimes means that I understand and trust my vulnerabilities. This may not make lots of sense to many people but if I do not take care of staying sober, this disease will take me out. I certenly do not want to feel my feelings, the feelings that normal people can have few drink to help ease. I can't have just a few drinks. I cannot rely on alcohol to ease the pain.
Instead I have AA. And a huge part of the program stresses Acceptance. But how do you actually accept something? What do you do to accept? Is there an actual action? I guess not really. So how does one accept?
I think this is one of those things that happens with time. I think this is something you have to practice everyday, one day at a time. I think that it also involves accepting oneself. I think that if I accept myself I can accept other things, even death.
And I think about my mom everyday and I am constantly going over the last months, weeks and days of her life. And I am trying to make sense and accept her death. I suppose in the plainest terms it is part of life and all of us will die at some point. But somehow it is all still very hard to believe.