I've been in my head again, I am working real hard on my character defects. I am staying away from self pity, self justification and all self - anything. I am avoiding gossip. I am trying to be kind and compassionate to all. I am trying to do the right things every time! And well, I am not doing really good with it all, I am just not able to be this "perfect." Ugh. It has become a pretty crazy mess in my head. I've been questioning everything I do and say, and dwelling on why, and have gotten no answers!
I told my sponsor about how I was feeling and as she helped me to understand what was going on in my head, and what I was trying to do is not quite possible, my behavior started to "sort of " make sense.
Ha! This is not something I just do or can learn or can just become. This takes time, and a totally different kind of work. But, here, I am again, the self- reliant intellectual being that I am, trying to fix myself, AND overnight practically! Ha! Too funny! It appears that I've been trying to control my own self! Like I can actually make myself perfect, like there is such a thing as perfect! Talk about inflated ego, I think I need to re-visit the third step! Lol! But I am a do-er, I say! I can do and fix anything! Oh, and I am such an over-achiever! lol!
But ...This is a spiritual job. This does not require intellect. This requires trust, faith and humility. This requires that I put my reliance in my HP!
My sponsor sent me this beautiful quote that put my whole head at ease.
"So believe it. Don’t waste another moment doubting or second-guessing what you know deep down inside you to be true. Live courageously and cast your fears aside. Open yourself up to the full spectrum of human experiences that are awaiting you and allow the spiritual essence that is present within us all to guide you. Ask your question sincerely and listen carefully for the reply. It will come. Let down the walls around your heart and love wholeheartedly. You will feel a love and warmth greater than anything you’ve ever experienced. Say your prayer with unshakeable faith and wait for the answer. You will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.
You’re not crazy. Trust yourself." - Chris Assaad, The Daily Love