August 3, 2011

Doing the Next Right Thing

Taking some charge of things, cause no one will, or wants to, I don't want to either, but my controlling side is fine with being in control...something to get myself into right? Except this is no fun! So I did my moms will, waiting for the documents to come back from the attorney, so she can sign them and I also did the power of attorney for dad, I called around funeral homes, going to see one on Thur. I still need to somehow convince mom to sign the hospice paperwork - she's to proud I think.

And so to top all of this, with stressing out about everything, I got in a fight with my brothers ex-gfriend on! No worries everything is erased. But somehow I just blew up! I apologized to my brother, but I still feel stupid.

Ugh...this would be so much easier with few glasses of wine I think. Yes I can feel it, with the first glass, the calm washing me over, the ache in my heart disappearing and slight euphoria emerging. Then I would pour another or two, trying to get that same feeling again, that would never come. Then I would reach the plateau, feeling like my buzz was gone, so I would drink more, if I didn't have more I would get more, probably thinking just one more bottle but I would get 2, maybe 3 or a box, cause 3 bottles seems weird(?). Probably would drink into a blackout, maybe called some old ex bfriends before I pass out somewhere in the house. Next morning I would probably find the house a wreck, I would be a bit puzzled cause I wouldn't remember anything I did. Hangover and filled with guilt I would probably keep drinking....and my world would slowly start to fall apart, job, family and friends would become unimportant, and totally replaced by the bottle...

Or...I can keep doing what I am doing, supporting my family the best I know how. And staying in touch with my sponsor and AA family, surrounded by their love and support. And being present!

Yes I think this is the path...This is the softer easier way!

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