All I Got is Hope

My life has been immersed in recovery for quite some time. I had a long and difficult journey to where I am toady. I am so very grateful for this life and for sobriety. I have been given another chance at life and I am reminded so often that many of us do not get this chance. Many of us do not make it.

I lost another friend to this damn disease few weeks ago and I have again been in a strange place with many feelings of anger, sadness and disbelief. What can I bring out of this that will help others? - I keep thinking. I wish there was an easy answer, I wish there was something I could say that was so profound that you would decide today, right now, not to ever take another drink again! 

But all I got is hope. 

Hope is not merely wishful thinking; it is much more than that. Hope is knowing and strongly believing that though one is in a desperate situation, things will improve. This faith and optimism has helped me gather enough courage to get through it, keep trying, and continue moving forward. Life can be hard. But I also know that it isn't always. There are many things to be grateful for everyday, after all we are still in the midst of life! And life is constantly changing, just like the weather, no two days are alike. But with hope the bad days are better and the great days are the proof that hope works. 

Addiction is so very powerful. It has so many pieces to it. It's not just putting down the drink or drug. It's learning a new way of life. It's learning to take steps towards a better tomorrow. It's growing new relationships and mending the old ones. It's finding courage where there seems to be none. It's facing life on life's terms. It's a journey, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. And then the days start adding up, good things start happening, and our attitudes become more positive. Little by little we grow, and we change, and hope is always there to carry us through it all. 

I have hope that for every one of us that doesn't make it, there are many more that do. I hope that someone reading this today will find the hope and give sobriety a chance!

Anonymous…Or Not? -by Life Corked

Today, I want to share this amazing post, which has left me feeling absolutely inspired and moved to tears! It is written by the very gracious Chenoa at Life Corked:

-Wow. I had chills as I watched the trailer for the new documentary The Anonymous People, which focuses on the culture of recovery and "the faces and voices of citizens, leaders, volunteers, corporate executives, public figures, and celebrities who are laying it all on the line to save the lives of others just like them." -continue reading.

Click HERE to watch the movie trailer.

Celebrationg a Happy Mother's Day Sober

Yes, I am a bit late with this post. I've been hanging in self-pity because my mom is gone and my husband did not live up to my expectations of my perfect Mother's day. Sheesh!! Bit self-center, still? Ya think!? Ugh. And I do miss my mom something awful. All these occasions used to be special and especially spent with her! But now they are no more. Just memories. But I am so very grateful that I have a wonderful mom in-law who has graciously opened her home and heart to me. What a gift! Soooo..... I am turning this crap in my head around; time to make a gratitude list...

I am grateful to be sober
I am grateful to have a loving family
I am grateful to have great kids
I am grateful to be able to be present for life
I am grateful to have had the chance to live a better life

I am grateful ______________________________________(you fill in the blank)

Happy belated mother's day to all the great moms, aunts, grandmas and teachers! It takes a village!!! And how grateful am I? I can't even put it into words. Being a sober mom sure beats being a drunk one! Let me tell you!

I lost custody of my daughter when she was five months old! Ugh. Things like this you may only hear on the news, right? Drunk, neglectful parents in some remote part of the country! Well maybe that's what most people would think, but we are just a middle class folk, living in the burbs... Yes, this happens in the burbs too. Anyway, she was put in a temporary foster care, while the county tried to figure out if we were fit parents. They cleared my ex and ordered me to go to rehab. For the next 6 months I got to see my daughter in a tiny little room, for an hour, once a week. My first mother's day, I got an hour with her, at my ex's house, with a county Child Protective Services supervisor present. Oh, I still have those memories etched in my head, crystal clear, never to be forgotten.

Today, I don't have to deal with any of that. Today, being a sober mom is the best gift I could give myself and my kids. Today, I am there for my kids and I am capable of taking care of them the right way. I am able to meet their needs and hopefully guide them in the right direction. It's not always easy, parenting is hard, but I am able to face the issues and come to some resolutions. I can lead by example.

And I get to hug them and tell them that I love them every day!
Only, because - I am sober.

I Am Powerless Over People, Places and Things

I have been thinking about my "friend,” who I have written about in The Odds Are Against US and who really is a family member. He is back to doing heroin after about a month of clean time. My heart is filled with fear that he will die before he can get any help and he does not want any help. He is at the point of absolute anger and denial.

This is beyond my knowledge base. I have never been on the other end of the alcoholism/addiction battle. I mean I have helped few sponsees and some new comers but not a family member. And I have never dealt with drugs or heroin abuse. I am a strict alcoholic, never got into drugs. Weird , I know, but I think it was because my dad frowned on drugs so much, but drinking was always OK ;) Anyway, I understand the merry- go-round of addiction! I can relate to the pain and hopelessness. I can relate to not wanting to get sober! I can relate to pushing everyone away. I CAN RELATE.

But sitting and waiting is just ...well, I have no words for it! We actually concluded that if he got arrested it might be the best thing for him; it might save his life. Strange. Wishing he ended up in jail seemed hopeful! To a normie that would sound absurd right. Well not if it can save a life!

The whole family is worried and no one really knows what to do. What can we do? His dad seems to be harboring him at his house, and doing nothing about him shooting up all day. What? Is he insane? Is he protecting him? Is he enabling him? Is he getting high with him? I can not understand.

I feel so powerless. I know no one gets sober until they are ready. I know that no matter what we do it is up to him to get clean. I know that he has his own journey, his own Higher Power, and his own time. He is just not ready to surrender yet. When he is ready, we will be waiting to offer our experience, strength and hope.  In the meantime, I have to “let go and let God” and embrace the fact that I am powerless over people, places and things, which includes the alcoholism/addiction of someone else.

Getting Sober

I am still amazed that I was able to get sober. It is a miracle.  The odds are definitely against us; when I was in rehab they said only 3% of us would get sober and stay sober for an extended period of time.  But I see so many people get sober and stay sober. It's an amazing journey of transformation. We finally become the human beings that we were meant to be. Or the human beings we never thought we could be.
I am coming up on my 4 year Aniversary. And I am still in disbelief that this is my life. If you knew me then, my life was nothing like this. It was dark, lonely and a mere existence. I lived with my ex, I didn't have a job or a car. I didn't have any friends. I didn't see my family. I just drank all day, in hope that one day I would pass out and never wake up. I was physically and mentally bankrupt.
Today I am a totally different person. A person that I never though I could be or even imagined I could be.  I have a family of my own. I have friends and a great job. I have chance to live a good lifeand I get to live and experience life.
This is a true gift!  Sobriety is a true gift! 

Amy Whinehouse

I have to write something about the death of Amy Whinehouse! Why? Because I know she was one of us! She didn't choose to be an alcoholic and an addict!

My heart hurts so bad when I browsed through the internet looking for details of her death and seeing so many horrible responses to her death. People are so fucken mean, she was someone's daughter, someone's wife and someone's friend! She was a human being, one of us! So much judgment; who the fuck are you all to judge this way?? It's pathetic.

There are thousands of Amys out there and I am one of them!

My heart goes out to her family, friends and fans. This is such an insidious disease! It robs us of all will to have any say about anything. Getting sober was the hardest thing that I have done in my entire life! And I had four years of trial and error and I should have died many times over! Why not me??? I don't know. But I know I had no control over it, I didn't choose this route, that's why it's called addiction!

“No kind of bankruptcy is like this on. Alcohol (drugs, NA 12&12), now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.”

AA Twelve and Twelve, Step One, Page 21

“The tyrant alcohol wielded a double-edge sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking (using, NA 12&12), and then by the allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process.”

AA Twelve and Twelve, Step One, Page 22

But I am here and grateful to be sober. And I hurt so much for each one of us that do not make it. Rest in peace Ms Amy, may you never have to hurt like this again! And may your legacy stand as another reminder to all of us that this disease KILLS!

Feeling Hungover

Had few tough days coming up on Mother's day and few days after. Mother's day is so bitter sweet for me; my bio mom was an alcoholic and disappeared, and my step mom has cancer. And this year I got really depressed and angry and just had a hard time functioning. I cried most of mother’s day... and developed some craving, for something that would make me feel better: too much tv, too much soda, sweets, coffee or just being angry...it all helped for like a second... But there was  really nothing I could do, but just go through these feelings.

The weirdest thing was that after few days of this I woke up with a hangover! Like a full blown hangover, like I use to have after a weekend of binge drinking. Oh I felt just awful! I've heard of emotional hangovers but I didn't know they would feel just like a drinking hangover. I also kept thinking that maybe I never had drinking hangovers, maybe they were all emotional! Right? Lol! And the only way not to have a hangover is to not stop drinking! Right! I remember when I was introduced to the Hair of a Dog...the morning after drink...within drinking just half of it I felt better, wow I got a cure for hangovers!! I was soo excited, why didn't anyone tell me about this earlier!

But this Hair of a Dog was also the beginning of my downward spiral, because I had hangovers every day! The cure was so simple...just have a drink in the morning...but I could not have a drink, once I had one I wanted 100 more! 

The vicious cycle started, I would take swigs before I left for work in the morning, then couldn't wait to have more by lunch. I started smuggling it, using sippy cups and coffee mugs, and yes I did mix it with milk once. I certainly was amazed when I saw this "smuggling" of alcohol mentioned in the Big Book. I mean this book was written in 1938, what did they know, I though I was just brilliantly smart... It was hard to believe that someone has done this before! But that's what alcoholics do we work circles around alcohol just to drink and we get pretty inventive! It is a true miracle that after years of trying to drink 24/7 and trying to appear "normal," today I spend 24/7 not drinking, through anything that life throws my way. This is the easier softer way!! Trust me!

Prescription for Crazy

I had a crazy experience with pain meds last week that just again proves that I have an addiction to anything that might make me feel different than normal. I have not ever considered myself a drug addict, drugs are not part of my story, I am a straight alcoholic. LOL!

But there I was in the ER, on morphine and fantasizing about a great high... that never come. I was quite surprised at how my brain took me to the fantasy land! LOL! I wanted the drunk high... so bad. But between the Valium, Percocet and Morphine nothing was doing the "trick" and my mind kept thinking I just need more, more, I need more! It was so strong that I forgot about the pain and why I was in the hospital to begin with.

All I could think about is when was the high gonna hit me. It never did, thank God. I did get worried after a while, and I told the nurse I was in recovery, though she didn't seem to care at all. Later I ended up tearing up the prescription since I wasn't in a horrible pain anymore, and I just couldn't trust myself! I know that pain meds should be taken when needed, but I really felt like they over-prescribed, and if Motrin was going to take the pain away why did I need Valium and Percocet? Nope, I'd rather be sober! REALLY? Did I say that? I remember when I did not want to be sober for even a minute! WOW! That's right, I'd rather be sober!

This whole experience has been a real awaking, I am an addict, no matter what it is. And btw, I am doing ok but dag what a scare and a real eye opener about the pain killers. Drug is a drug is a drug....at least for me...

Feelings Aren't Facts

But aren't they? I always thought that feelings were facts, because they felt real. I mean isn't love a fact? Or anger? Or happiness or joy? I think so! But I soon discovered that I had a flew of feelings that were really negative and I believed in those too.

Thoughts are not feelings and feelings are not facts; they only have the power we give them.

Although feelings feel real, most feelings are based on fear, fear based on our old ideas, fear based on things we believed for years and carried them in from childhood. I believed that I was a lousy human being because I was often told so. Because I believed this, I felt like a lousy human being. The feeling was very real but it was not a fact at all! The fact was that the person saying this to me was trying to hurt me and the fact was that I was not a lousy human being.

But how do you get out of this negative thinking if you are the person that has brought these negative feelings in?? My destructive drinking not only made my life unmanageable but also my feelings! Feeling that I though were based on facts! I was a bad daughter, I was a bad friend, I was a bad worker, I was a bad human because I could not control my drinking and my drinking hurt many people. I felt so much guilt and shame; I once again believed that I was a lousy human being!

But here is the truth! Alcoholism is a disease, it’s not a morality issue, I did not get up one morning and though “I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up!” NO, that was not my dream! EVER!

My dream was to be “normal,” just like everyone else! My dream was to be happy and live a good life. My dream has come true because I am sober today.

“The tyrant alcohol wielded a double-edge sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by the allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process.” – Step One, 12 &12.

AA Step One - We admitted

AA Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Today I went to a new meeting that my sponsor recommended. It is a step meeting and today was the beginning of the series. I decided that I was just going to listen and absorb and as people spoke I was flooded with many emotions and memory bubbles. 

Step 1! The very first sentence of step one had me scared shitless when I first read it, "Who cares to admit complete defeat?" oh that definitely was not me! Nope, NEVER! I would do anything else I had to do but stop drinking. I've been coming around the rooms of AA for 7 years and I am going to have 3 years in two weeks, do the math, it took me a while...many relapses and 6 detoxes and 3 hospital stays, 2 alcohol awareness classes, 6 months at the county rehab then 20 months at an out patient county rehab, 5 days in jail, 2 weeks in physic ward, 2 jobs lost, 3 relationships wrecked, and loosing custody of my daughter for a year.

BUT I WAS NOT GOING TO ADMIT DEFEAT!

It wasn’t always that way; I drank for fun and had fun for many years before it all started to get crazy. And I maintained good jobs, and I got 2 degrees, and finished summa cum laude, and had lots of friends, and a nice condo, and new car, and everything right?! But then it just stop being fun…and become a crazy obsession.

While in the last rehab I was told I had to go to meetings and since I wanted to get my daughter back I started going...but I just kept looking for a way to drink normal not to actually stop drinking! One morning I woke up flat on my kitchen floor, I opened my eyes and thought wtf, I laid there for a while trying to figure out what happened...blank...could not remember a thing...what day is it? What time is it? OMG what happened? I tried to get up but I was actually still drunk and my body was in pain. I reached over to the cupboard to get another drink, go figure, but that was my turning point really, what the hell was I doing? Insane! Yes! I had no control and I was completely defeated! I thought that I only had two choices, keep drinking and hopefully die, or give up this fight and get sober... I was powerless over alcohol—my life has become unmanageable… I decided to get sober.

I remember a huge weight lifted that second, I felt certain comfort and clarity for the first time ever! That was my beginning...

Click here to read AA Step One.

There Is No Self-Control in Drinking!

My coworker often refers to this, self-control idea; he claims that you can self-control anything in your life. Of course he is not one of us and I always ignore him about this, because self-control is an idea that does not work when it comes to alcoholism or addiction. I suppose if it did, then it would not be called addiction after all, right?! LOL!

I wish I could have self-controlled my alcoholism, and I really tried in so many ways; I told myself I will just have one, many, many times! I also switched the type of alcohol I drank, I used more mixers in my drinks, I ate more food, I drank slower, I drank every other day, and on and on, you name it, I tried it. But even if it worked once or twice and I did not get belligerent, eventually it just did not work at all. My ex would say that he did not want me to stop, just to curb it a little! But I just couldn’t. The minute I put alcohol in my body all bets were off! No clue what would happen, no clue when it would start and when it would stop if at all! The night I got my DUI, I remember walking out of the bar and saying goodbye to my friends. I later asked them why they did not stop me, didn’t I seem drunk? They said no, I walked OK and sounded OK. But not even an hour later the cops found me on the side of the road, with my car running. An hour later when they got me to the station and awake, I blew .25! Yes, three times the legal limit and almost at a coma stage (which you hit approximately around .30)!

Yes, it’s sort of like getting struck drunk, it is quite possible, believe me. I have on several occasion walked into a store with all intentions to just get something to eat and found myself walking out with a box of wine!

This is what they call this a disease, the absolute in-ability to “self-control” the addiction, in any way, shape or form. The only way to control it, is not to use at all. And even then, you do not have control really, you’re thoughts are always floating around, trying to entice you towards your drug, in some manner. I have to work on this every day and I am assuming, probably for the rest of my life!

But that's ok, I am way better off sober than I was ever drunk. Sobriety ROCKS!