Everything Changes Sober

"XXXIII. Forever grateful." That was my sponsors Facebook status this morning!

Is that freaking amazing!!!?? 33 years sober! If you ask her how she does it, she will still say one day at a time. Wow, that's many days. She is a wonderful woman who has always been there for me and has been a crucial part of my recovery! I am so grateful for her!

I remember in my early days in the rooms hearing someone having 20 years and me thinking, really, why!? how!? Then later the thought changed to ok, maybe 10th years but 20? - you should be cured by then I think. Then again the thought changed to wow, that is incredible, how did they do it? And now, I feel like wow, that's very cool, that could be me!

So all this got me thinking how things continuously change. My thoughts are so different than they were even a year ago! Things that seemed like catastrophes at the time, today seem like just some rough times that I got through and experienced huge growth.

I know in early sobriety I had many nevers and always type thoughts, I will never get sober for good, I will never be happy, I will never get married or have kids, I will never have a family, and I will always be a drunk, I will always be alone, I will always have a crappy life.

Things that I thought were unattainable at some point, well, it seems that they are right in front of me and i believe that it has all happened only because I am sober!

We Will Intuitively Know

My daughter is still having issues with some girls at school, so her dad and I had a meeting with the school counselor yesterday to come up with a solution. I sat there next him in the counselors office while he pounded the table with his fist as he proclaimed his disapproval of the way the school was handling the situation. He talked about the other girls involved as if they were the absolute evil and questioned their parents abilities. Then he talked about our daughter's complete innocence, and then he even brought out the tears. Yes, he cried.

I just sat there.

Listening, for a moment I thought, oh god, what is this counselor gonna think of me? Me. Wait a minute, me? This isn't about me or him. I suddenly felt my heart filling with strength. For the first time that I can remember I didn't feel like less than him. I didn't feel embarrassed and I didn't interrupt and make excuses for his behavior. I did nothing. I stayed me. And when it was my turn I spoke.

This is huge! In the past, I always felt like I had to defend him, make excuses for him and calm him down. He always embarrassed me with his over the top antics, and the tears. But I have learned that other people's behavior is not a reflection of me, and I have no control over other people's behavior. He is him and I am me and we are separate. I no longer have to explain to people his behavior so I don't feel embarrassed. People can clearly make their own opinion. In the past I would have left feeling like a complete ass, mad at myself for defending him because I was afraid of what people might think about me. Crazy! But I didn't this time.

This is the part of the promises that has been coming true for me lately, i have intuitively known how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I don't know how this happens but it happens and it is totally amazing. 

The AA promises can be found on at the bottom of page 83 of the Big Book.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. 

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
 

Using Recovery Tools Can Help with Parenting

And here is the weird part, it sometimes feels like an out of body experience. If you knew the person I used to be when I was drinking, self-centered to the max, you would have a hard time believing my actions too. I was the person that would give her piece of mind at any moment, to anyone in her path, at any time, whether you wanted it or not. I was always ready to rumble; I even hang my middle finger out my drivers side window just in case you pissed me off! My saying was that I was a Scorpio and I sting deadly! Anyway, you get the point right?!

So my daughter has been having some issues with a her best friend and another girl that seems to be bulling her/them again. Her best friend was playing with the bulling girl who told my daughter that she couldn't join them. So my daughter got really mad at her BFF, and had a big outburst of tears and yelling and stomping and apparently it was so disruptive that a note was sent home from school about the incident and my daughter's unacceptable behavior.

Of course my mind went in overdrive and I was ready to "rumble." I immediately wanted to drive over the bulling girls house and share a piece of my mind with her parents! Then I wanted to drive to the BFFs house and do the same!  And I was so ready to call the school and give them a piece of my mind! And then I wanted to tell my daughter.... well stuff that no one should ever hear! But instead...

I first did nothing. I waited. I sorted my feelings.

I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. " - BB. Pg. 13

Then, I thought about the bulling girl, and decided to take a moment for her.

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.  - BB. Pg. 67

Then, I sat my daughter down calmly. We talked about what happened and she could do differently next time. I also told her that the most important thing for her was to do the next right thing! I told her that the bullying girl is probably hurting and she should not be hated. And I told my daughter that it would be a good ideal to make an amends and we called the BFF and my daughter apologized for her behavior.

So when my daughter hugged me after the phone call and thanked me, I thought, wow, what has just happened. This was not of my own doing for sure! Sobriety, AA and HP! It is truly hard for me to fit this in my head, how someone like the person I was, could now be sober and able to find compassion, understanding and love, let alone try to teach my daughter the same. What a gift, I have to pinch myself sometimes, just to make sure that this really is my life now.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. - AA, 12 Step

Welcome to the Newcomer

I was in a meeting yesterday, a woman with 3 days spoke up, she sobbed as she told her story of utter despair. I could so relate to her feelings, tears started running down my face! I never want to feel that way again!

And through all that has been going on in my life in the last few months, I still would rather go through this sober than be where that woman is now. This is why the new comer IS the most important person in the room, they don't know it at the time, but they help us stay sober. Cause things get better, promises start coming true, life gets good and we can forget how it used to be...I was a shell of a person, I had no one, just my bottle.

I remember how hard it was to face my malady, on one hand life was out of whack, I was just merely surviving, and on the other hand, giving up my best friend, for the rest of my life seemed totally impossible! And so I was stuck, for a long time, I didn't want to drink, but I didn't know how to live without it.

Of course I didn't come to AA willingly, I mean really who does, who just wakes up and says oh yeah, I want to be in AA! No one, just like no one wants to be an alcoholic. But I have a disease and this is the cure that works. I come to meetings and I learn, I watch others go through life sober; getting married, having babies, buying homes, and also dealing with break ups and deaths and taxes(lol!).

And to the Newcomer: We are glad you're here! You don't ever have to feel this way again. This is the softer, easier way!

Here are The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
 Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

Life on Life's Terms

The scariest thing about getting sober was figuring out how to deal with life without drinking. Once I could admit that drinking was my problem and did not help me with dealing with life's issues, I had to find another way. This was and is hard and it's a constant work in progress. But while in AA I learned many ways to stay sober through tough days, and even great days, cause those can be a triggers too; how do you celebrate without alcohol, right? To me it is most important to stay connected to my network and share how I feel. This is the "To thine own self be true" part for me (this is on every AA chip.) And I don't isolate and I ask for help. But the best is to reach out to someone else that might need help or support.

Life sometimes deals you some unhappy things. I used to drink extra heavy over those things, cause I drank for all reasons but the bad things were always easier to get really drunk about! As a matter of fact when I found out that my mom had breast cancer I went out and on purpose got drunk, on top shelf Long Island iced teas. I remember that night vividly, it was a Friday.  I remember, I angrily started drinking at happy hour around 6pm, and I even remember leaving the bar somewhere around 2am. I remember the anger that was flowing through my body that whole night; I was going to drink till I couldn't drink anymore.

But what I don't remember was driving in a blackout and running over someone's front yard and their trashcans and being picked up by the cops. As I come to it at the police station, while they were trying to give me a breathalyzer, I opened my eyes and couldn't figure out where I was; I blew .25, and got thrown in jail. That was my attempt to deal with things.

 

So today my mom is going in to start her cyberlknife treatment for the cancer tumor in her brain and my aunt in-law is going in to the hospital this morning too, to start her treatment for lung cancer. Having a bit hard morning, because I don't want to - well no one really wants to - deal with this, at all! And in the past I would have binged drank the whole weekend and called bunch of people to try to get some sympathy! But this weekend I spent sober, I went to a meeting, talked about it and I spent time with my family Enjoying my family and supporting each other, talking and laughing! I feel blessed and grateful to be sober and walking through this step by step, feeling the feelings, with my family and my AA toolbox by my side. 

Feeling Hungover

Had few tough days coming up on Mother's day and few days after. Mother's day is so bitter sweet for me; my bio mom was an alcoholic and disappeared, and my step mom has cancer. And this year I got really depressed and angry and just had a hard time functioning. I cried most of mother’s day... and developed some craving, for something that would make me feel better: too much tv, too much soda, sweets, coffee or just being angry...it all helped for like a second... But there was  really nothing I could do, but just go through these feelings.

The weirdest thing was that after few days of this I woke up with a hangover! Like a full blown hangover, like I use to have after a weekend of binge drinking. Oh I felt just awful! I've heard of emotional hangovers but I didn't know they would feel just like a drinking hangover. I also kept thinking that maybe I never had drinking hangovers, maybe they were all emotional! Right? Lol! And the only way not to have a hangover is to not stop drinking! Right! I remember when I was introduced to the Hair of a Dog...the morning after drink...within drinking just half of it I felt better, wow I got a cure for hangovers!! I was soo excited, why didn't anyone tell me about this earlier!

But this Hair of a Dog was also the beginning of my downward spiral, because I had hangovers every day! The cure was so simple...just have a drink in the morning...but I could not have a drink, once I had one I wanted 100 more! 

The vicious cycle started, I would take swigs before I left for work in the morning, then couldn't wait to have more by lunch. I started smuggling it, using sippy cups and coffee mugs, and yes I did mix it with milk once. I certainly was amazed when I saw this "smuggling" of alcohol mentioned in the Big Book. I mean this book was written in 1938, what did they know, I though I was just brilliantly smart... It was hard to believe that someone has done this before! But that's what alcoholics do we work circles around alcohol just to drink and we get pretty inventive! It is a true miracle that after years of trying to drink 24/7 and trying to appear "normal," today I spend 24/7 not drinking, through anything that life throws my way. This is the easier softer way!! Trust me!

The AA Promises

Sobriety doesn't guarantee anything, not even that you won't ever get drunk again. Just like with anything in life, there are no guarantees with sobriety. And if we don't continue growing and developing ourselves, our issues, often caused by ourselves, will continue to hurt us. To begin to be able to reach the promises we must work on ourselves. The AA 12 steps help us do that. Sobriety is just a daily reprieve from the drunkenness, and we must do the work to keep it.

I have to remember this whenever I am in a hard place, and dealing with a difficult issues. Because my first instinct is to run! Run away from it all, and find a way to numb it! But I know now that if I stay and deal with the issues, I will learn and grow...And the issues will get smaller... And then the issues I used to think were problems, will dissipate! These are the AA promises!

The AA promises:
Page 83-84, of the Big Book

Here are The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.