Spring Time Sober

Spring time... What an amazing time of the year! Watching little flowers spring up from the ground, and the sun finally shining, and the birds happily chirping gives me some kind of a euphoria. Kids are again playing outside and the air is filled with their laughter. There is just something so very amazing about it all. Nature and life seem to have awaken again... and so did my drinking pangs.

I don't know what it really is that makes spring time a drinking trigger for me. It seems like some misdirected energy; while others are cleaning their yards and planting gardens, I feel like drinking... I feel like I should be sitting on my deck and sipping on a lite, refreshing wine and juice cocktail, with a splash of soda and a twist of lime. I used to do that a while back, when I lived in a condo on the third floor. My balcony faced several tall trees and I could not see any other buildings around me. I would listen to the buzzing of the life out there, and it felt peaceful and calming. I spend many days sitting and drinking on that balcony, and it was definitely one of my favorite things to do. Of course this was way before my drinking took off and became crazy and unpredictable.

I also quit drinking during the spring time, which seems a bit like an odd coincidence. But maybe not. I remember it being one of those really beautiful days, without a cloud in the sky. I was happy. No worries. I had that same feeling of wanting to just sit and enjoy the buzzing of the life out there. I was about three months sober but I remember thinking that I definitely could have a drink and be OK; I am not mad, angry or sad. I am happy! There is not reason that I would get plastered, I thought. 

But I did. I totally did. What was supposed to be a drink ended up being several boxes of wine. It was horrible. It was so bad that I was in a blackout the entire weekend and then I woke up early Monday morning, face down on the kitchen floor. That's when I truly realized that I was an alcoholic and that I could not control my drinking at all. It become very clear to me that after many years spent blaming the world for my drinking, I finally understood that it just didn't matter what was going on in my life, good or bad, I drank.

Sometimes, I think that maybe in my retirement years, I will once again be able to enjoy a nice lite cocktail on the deck. But then I remember my last drunk and think that I just might not. The difference between me and the normal drinkers is that there is never a good time for me to have a drink. All times are bad. So I have to be even more diligent this time of the year, and direct my spring time energy towards staying sober. And maybe then clean the yard and plant a garden!