Spring Time Sober

Spring time... What an amazing time of the year! Watching little flowers spring up from the ground, and the sun finally shining, and the birds happily chirping gives me some kind of a euphoria. Kids are again playing outside and the air is filled with their laughter. There is just something so very amazing about it all. Nature and life seem to have awaken again... and so did my drinking pangs.

I don't know what it really is that makes spring time a drinking trigger for me. It seems like some misdirected energy; while others are cleaning their yards and planting gardens, I feel like drinking... I feel like I should be sitting on my deck and sipping on a lite, refreshing wine and juice cocktail, with a splash of soda and a twist of lime. I used to do that a while back, when I lived in a condo on the third floor. My balcony faced several tall trees and I could not see any other buildings around me. I would listen to the buzzing of the life out there, and it felt peaceful and calming. I spend many days sitting and drinking on that balcony, and it was definitely one of my favorite things to do. Of course this was way before my drinking took off and became crazy and unpredictable.

I also quit drinking during the spring time, which seems a bit like an odd coincidence. But maybe not. I remember it being one of those really beautiful days, without a cloud in the sky. I was happy. No worries. I had that same feeling of wanting to just sit and enjoy the buzzing of the life out there. I was about three months sober but I remember thinking that I definitely could have a drink and be OK; I am not mad, angry or sad. I am happy! There is not reason that I would get plastered, I thought. 

But I did. I totally did. What was supposed to be a drink ended up being several boxes of wine. It was horrible. It was so bad that I was in a blackout the entire weekend and then I woke up early Monday morning, face down on the kitchen floor. That's when I truly realized that I was an alcoholic and that I could not control my drinking at all. It become very clear to me that after many years spent blaming the world for my drinking, I finally understood that it just didn't matter what was going on in my life, good or bad, I drank.

Sometimes, I think that maybe in my retirement years, I will once again be able to enjoy a nice lite cocktail on the deck. But then I remember my last drunk and think that I just might not. The difference between me and the normal drinkers is that there is never a good time for me to have a drink. All times are bad. So I have to be even more diligent this time of the year, and direct my spring time energy towards staying sober. And maybe then clean the yard and plant a garden! 

Bloom Where You're Planted Sober

Making the best of what is in front of me has not been my natural instinct. And being happy with what I have is not either. I am used to getting in the self pity mode and then envy takes over, and I am miserable and feel like I will never measure up to others. I can be a very harsh judge of my own self.

When I was drinking the envy that I felt, was just another reason to drink. As my friends were buying houses and getting great jobs, I was still "partying" and enjoying my "freedom." Comparing myself to others was constant and it kept my head occupied for days. At the same time, I actually did nothing to "get" those things that I though I should have. Somehow I just thought they should all just happen! There seemed to be a big difference between how I thought life happened when I was drinking, and how it really happen when I was drinking! I never thought it was my drinking that held me back or was the cause of my troubles. I just blamed others for not being where I should be in life or where I though I should be in life. I always thought it was my bad upbringing, or lack of money, or bad luck, or of course just being me.


After I got sober there was this period when I was trying to catch up to everyone else. Having had lost at least 15 years to alcoholic drinking I felt way behind. So I went back to school, got the good job, got married, bought a house, and had kids. Ahhh, finally I have arrived I thought! Strangely enough that remained me of the time when I was partying at the Plaza hotel in New York city and I totally felt like I have arrived - sort off the topic, but it was just an interesting observation about how life changes and things that used to be important change too! 

There is always going to be someone out there that has everything that I do not! I have realized that for me envy is caused by a dissatisfaction with my own perception of me; I, for some reason, feel inferior to the person I envy. Why do I feel inferior at all? I believe this is related to shame. Shame of being an alcoholic. And years of believing that I am nothing. But today I am a sober alcoholic, I live an honest life, and I have a good life. I have all that I need.

I am enough, I have enough, I do enough.

The longer I am sober the more comfortable I am with me and my life. I have no reason to envy others, not that I ever had a reason, really! And I realize today that I have been given a second chance at life, and that alone is worth more than any "perfection" out there. My life only has to be perfect to me :)

Sobriety ROCKS!

It Wasn't My Drinking, I Thought

I brought out the box of old CDs the other day, as we have decided to cut out the TV and replace it with music. I started looking thru them and ended up playing one that I haven't heard in a very long while. It sounded good and comforting. It was a CD that I used to listen to in my early drinking days.

It brought up lots of memories! I was surprised that if felt good. I have stashed my CDs away, along with the old memories. Afraid in same way that they would make me miss those days bad enough that I would want to drink. I know it sounds extreme, doesn't it? But I had such a hard time staying sober I just kept putting away all the things that I thought would give me trouble! I would have probably hid myself if I could have! LOL! 

One of my old PICs

Anyway... Music was a huge part of my mid 20's. Of course this was way before I had an inkling of any alcoholic type trouble. I was a photographer for local bands and I had a VIP access to many shows. Now this is on a city scale, not big time or anything, nevertheless, I thought I was a superstar in my own little world - LoL! - probably like Annie Lebowitz felt when she followed the newly emerging Rolling Stones back in the early seventies, right!? And I both admired her work and wanted to be just like her. So my job seemed perfect; it was fun, and amazing, and booze and drugs were a huge part of it. Strangely enough I never got into drugs, I was actually afraid to try them. Maybe subconsciously I knew that I would have probably developed an instantaneous love affair with them. I don't know. I just believed that alcohol was safe and more acceptable, and it helped that it was legal, so it kept me "clean." So I drank, and I drank freely. I drank how I thought the band members did drugs - it always appeared to me that others were way more trashed than me. But in fact I was getting pretty trashed myself. And my job or the "safety" of my job, or how my clients behaved or how trashed they were, was not the real problem, but my excessive drinking was becoming one. 

One of my old PICs

You probably know the rest of my story here - it was very hard to keep it all together, between business and regular drinking and partying. I started missing appointments and losing clients. I made an ass of myself several times too many. I couldn't make my deadlines. I was unreliable. My photos were not up to par. And slowly I was failing at my job. But I just thought that it was the job itself and the late hours, and the badly behaved clients. It wasn't my drinking. I just needed a change, something that I was probably just better at anyway. So... I left and got a new job, at a bar. Strangely enough I remember that the same thing happened at that new job, though drinking or drugs were not part of it to the extent as the old job. I ended up leaving that job too. many jobs followed and basically, I had new job about every year or two! At the time, I sure did not see this pattern at all. Today, I see it very clearly.

Well, that was an interesting time in my life. Very active in the scene that revolved around alcohol yet totally oblivious to the addictive cycle that I already was in! Somehow, since I believed that others did more drinking or drugging than me, I felt as though was OK. Actually, I don't remember even worrying that my drinking was an issues, I actually felt that life had just dealt me a bad hand or I just had a little bad luck.

Now, listening to the CD, I was really amazed that I no longer had the drinking thoughts and that I no longer had that feeling that I am still missing the party! The party is long gone and well done. This part of my life seems like a very distant memory, yet a true and constant reminder of how much denial I was actually in.

My Glamorous Drinking Life

The sun is shining. Love nice sunny days. But they do trigger some memories. One of my favorite things to do on a nice sunny day was to sit on my porch with a glass of wine. Nice slow breeze blowing through my hair and birds chirping. Wait, that's not how it really was, I mean the sun was shining and maybe the birds were chirping...in my head. But it definitely wasn't a glass of wine, it was a box! Yes it was.

I always have these fantasies of how I used to drink. I think I was glamorous and drank like a lady. But I have to remember that that was such a delusion. There was nothing glam about my drinking. It might have started with a glass of wine but I am sure the whole box went, especially if I didn't have to work the next day. I have to remember to go from my fantasy to reality.

This is my fantasy!

I have to run my fantasy all the way through:

So I sit on my porch with a glass of wine, I drink another. Starting to feel good but I want to feel better. So I pour another and yet another. If I haven't gotten more I would walk over to the store and get more. I would maybe try to eat but with the fear of slowing my buzz or not being able to continue at the pace that I was, I wouldn't eat much. My mind would wonder and be happy. Oh how great this life was, just me and my wine.

But then out of the blue I would find myself awake and it was the next day and the house was a wreck and my phone had strange messages on it and billion VM and all the wine was gone. And I looked like hell and my head was throbbing.

That was on a good night of drinking! I DON'T MISS THOSE DAYS! The thought that I lost chunks of time and had no idea what I did in that time, was just too much to bare. So most of the time I would just continue drinking. And this went on and on and on. I drove drunk in blackouts, I went to bars, I met strange people, I made random phone calls...

No. Not very glamorous at all!

Sober Bits & Pieces

"Lololol! Really!! When I look back it all seems silly, life is good right now! Living in the memories of the past has absolutely no purpose but to sit on my pity pot! Yes, I fucked up, big time, and I might fuck up big time again! But I and you are not the same people anymore, and we never have to be those people again!!!"

"And the old fox learns much more from the young fool, than the young fool can ever hope to learn from the old fox"!

"I am so helpless, there is just absolutely nothing I can do! Acceptance, that's all I got, pg 449, "acceptance is the key...accept things are exactly the way they are suppose to be..." Ugh so hard, I almost feel like I want to jump out of my skin and fix this whole thing! Right now!"

"Where are your feet at?? ok stay there!"

"I just can't leave it alone, I want my control! It feels good! I feel smart and in charge and like I am capable of anything. And when it goes according to my plan it is very satisfying! BUT, I am trying to let him take care of this, really, I don't think that I don't trust him to do the job right, I know he can, I think it's more like I want the satisfaction- I want the glory!!! Yes that's it, I want the glory!!! I want that feeling of accomplishment! Lolol! So self-centered still, huh? Well, I'll just keep coming back!"

"And everything else, hell, you sounds like me! Trust in God, that's all I got for that! In the past few months, we've had to deal with many issues and somehow they all worked out... weird but true!"

"Really, truly, a miracle. It's out there all the time and (this is funny) I thought it's like not brushing your teeth, they may look ok but someday they will start rottening. So we got to take care of ourselves and do all the things that we know will help us stay sober. And I need to definitely take better care of myself, cause I was taking sudafedrine + advil cold pills when I was sick and I tell ya, I though many times of just crushing up a pill and snorting it - and - I've never snorted anything! UGH. So, I have to relax more, let go of things more, slow down more and enjoy the moments more!"