Bloom Where You're Planted Sober

Making the best of what is in front of me has not been my natural instinct. And being happy with what I have is not either. I am used to getting in the self pity mode and then envy takes over, and I am miserable and feel like I will never measure up to others. I can be a very harsh judge of my own self.

When I was drinking the envy that I felt, was just another reason to drink. As my friends were buying houses and getting great jobs, I was still "partying" and enjoying my "freedom." Comparing myself to others was constant and it kept my head occupied for days. At the same time, I actually did nothing to "get" those things that I though I should have. Somehow I just thought they should all just happen! There seemed to be a big difference between how I thought life happened when I was drinking, and how it really happen when I was drinking! I never thought it was my drinking that held me back or was the cause of my troubles. I just blamed others for not being where I should be in life or where I though I should be in life. I always thought it was my bad upbringing, or lack of money, or bad luck, or of course just being me.


After I got sober there was this period when I was trying to catch up to everyone else. Having had lost at least 15 years to alcoholic drinking I felt way behind. So I went back to school, got the good job, got married, bought a house, and had kids. Ahhh, finally I have arrived I thought! Strangely enough that remained me of the time when I was partying at the Plaza hotel in New York city and I totally felt like I have arrived - sort off the topic, but it was just an interesting observation about how life changes and things that used to be important change too! 

There is always going to be someone out there that has everything that I do not! I have realized that for me envy is caused by a dissatisfaction with my own perception of me; I, for some reason, feel inferior to the person I envy. Why do I feel inferior at all? I believe this is related to shame. Shame of being an alcoholic. And years of believing that I am nothing. But today I am a sober alcoholic, I live an honest life, and I have a good life. I have all that I need.

I am enough, I have enough, I do enough.

The longer I am sober the more comfortable I am with me and my life. I have no reason to envy others, not that I ever had a reason, really! And I realize today that I have been given a second chance at life, and that alone is worth more than any "perfection" out there. My life only has to be perfect to me :)

Sobriety ROCKS!

There Is Beer In the Fridge!

I wrote this up yesterday when I was in the midst of myself made drama. I didn't post it because well, I forgot. But his morning on the way to work I thought about it again. This is what I wrote yesterday:

- So I need to write about this cause it is bothering me. I already talked to my sponsor and she told me to breathe and ask my higher power for strength and protection. But this is still bothering me.

I work in a small office, there is only 18 of us. My boss is a good lady who tries to make it a fun work environment; we have Wii game set and large screen TV, we get to wear jeans and have a pretty flexible schedule provided that your work is done on time. We are now in the crunch time for a mayor software release in two weeks. We have been working like mad, around the clock. The boss lady had decided to fill the office with snacks, candy and drinks. And beer! Yep beer. Now I wasn't a beer drinker, but I am an alcoholic, so it's all the same to me, no matter what container or type of liquid; if it has alcohol in it, it's game. (lol, ok there are a few exceptions!)

The Fridge

So today the mini fridge arrived, and everyone got really excited! Right? I would too, except... I don't drink. And, well I can't drink, and well I can but it makes me __________. Well you fill in the blank. Anyway. I know I've been sober for a while and you'd think this wouldn't bother me one bit, but I tell you, I have never just been able to be around alcohol for a long time; I get really squirmy, my head stars getting crazy.  Sure, it is in a fridge, in the kitchen, few offices down, it should not bother me right?

Well dag it, it does!! Ugh.

Yes, it's that feeling that I am missing all the fun. And wouldn't it be fun!? Work with a buzz, have the stress melt away. Laugh a little at nothing? Feel carefree? OMG. And no one would know! Oh but I told everyone... Dag. My head is swirling. Really, the damn obsession. I got so crazy in my head, I was ready to charge in my bosses office and tell her that I could not work under these conditions and that if I drank she would never see me again! Oh damn. I hate this.

Oh I hate this - cause now I am swirling in self-pity. Why me!? Well shit. Because.

I got nothing else. I guess like my sponsor said, I got to pull out the BIG tool box. Talk about it, pray about it, let it go. And stay out of the kitchen! -

Well I am doing ok today. I whined to my husband about it last night. Then I took my 4 year old for a walk around the block and things got settled in my head. I think this thinking that I have, about how I should not have these feelings at this point in my sobriety has to be smashed! And it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own selfishness, and make it all about me! Me, me, me! Lol! 

So I looked over the mini fridge again this morning, there is actually only one shelf filled with beer, the rest is sodas and water. Ugh. And I thought back and I couldn't remember seeing anyone drinking beer yesterday. How crazy that my mind made such drama of it all. It sure sounded like the entire office was filled with beer and everyone was partying!!! Right? Lol! Ugh.

So I am ok. I AM OK. I am grateful for the free sodas, popcorn, and candy! Yep!
Keep calm and carry on!