How Comparing-Out Kept Me From Getting Sober

For years before I finally stopped drinking, I was in a huge amount of denial about my alcoholism. I sort of felt that something was not quite right and maybe I drank a bit too much, but really I wasn't that bad! I started attending some AA 12-step meetings to see if I could convince myself that I definitely was not an alcoholic - funny right!? So, I was constantly comparing-out when I heard others sharing their stories. Even though I had a pretty low bottom, that included few stays in detox, rehab and jail, I always found someone else that was way worse off than me. 

"Well, I didn't do that! My life was not in complete shambles like theirs, and I didn't drink as much as they did!"

But strangely enough, or maybe, quite expectantly, my drinking was getting out of control and life was becoming unmanageable! Yes, I still could not identify that the alcohol was the cause of all my problems, HECK NO! It was always the shifty job, the crazy boyfriend, or just plain bad luck!

Through this entire time, for some reason, I kept going to meetings. I think I felt safe there. People were so kind and caring, they seemed to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling. How did they know? - I wondered, they barely know me!

Then, one day after a meeting, I talked to a really nice young lady, I told her how I just don't fit in here, and I can't relate to the stories, and I don't think that my life was that bad either! She said that I needed to listen to how people felt, and interrelated to their feelings as related to alcohol. We all maybe from different backgrounds, different ages, different life styles and we may have had different levels of drinking bottoms, but we all have felt alone, out of control, lost, and sad. These feeling we all have in common!

And there it was, it finally dawned on me that it wasn't so much about the things that happened to me because of my drinking, but it was the same, exact feelings that drinking brought up in me. I felt alone, worthless and empty. I had nothing to live for and I was stuck in the viscous cycle of alcoholism. When I started to identify with how others were feeling, I realized that I often felt the exact same way! Then it all started to make sense, and I was able to see how my drinking had made my life unmanageable.

Those same feelings I heard described then, and still do now, have become our common bond, even though we don't know each other and we live miles and miles away from each other. And here in the blog world we all struggle with the same issues and feelings, and yes, we are all so very different! But sharing our stories helps us to know that we are not alone in our journeys. We can always find others who are going through the same feelings, and we can learn from each other how to get through the thought times.  

It Wasn't My Drinking, I Thought

I brought out the box of old CDs the other day, as we have decided to cut out the TV and replace it with music. I started looking thru them and ended up playing one that I haven't heard in a very long while. It sounded good and comforting. It was a CD that I used to listen to in my early drinking days.

It brought up lots of memories! I was surprised that if felt good. I have stashed my CDs away, along with the old memories. Afraid in same way that they would make me miss those days bad enough that I would want to drink. I know it sounds extreme, doesn't it? But I had such a hard time staying sober I just kept putting away all the things that I thought would give me trouble! I would have probably hid myself if I could have! LOL! 

One of my old PICs

Anyway... Music was a huge part of my mid 20's. Of course this was way before I had an inkling of any alcoholic type trouble. I was a photographer for local bands and I had a VIP access to many shows. Now this is on a city scale, not big time or anything, nevertheless, I thought I was a superstar in my own little world - LoL! - probably like Annie Lebowitz felt when she followed the newly emerging Rolling Stones back in the early seventies, right!? And I both admired her work and wanted to be just like her. So my job seemed perfect; it was fun, and amazing, and booze and drugs were a huge part of it. Strangely enough I never got into drugs, I was actually afraid to try them. Maybe subconsciously I knew that I would have probably developed an instantaneous love affair with them. I don't know. I just believed that alcohol was safe and more acceptable, and it helped that it was legal, so it kept me "clean." So I drank, and I drank freely. I drank how I thought the band members did drugs - it always appeared to me that others were way more trashed than me. But in fact I was getting pretty trashed myself. And my job or the "safety" of my job, or how my clients behaved or how trashed they were, was not the real problem, but my excessive drinking was becoming one. 

One of my old PICs

You probably know the rest of my story here - it was very hard to keep it all together, between business and regular drinking and partying. I started missing appointments and losing clients. I made an ass of myself several times too many. I couldn't make my deadlines. I was unreliable. My photos were not up to par. And slowly I was failing at my job. But I just thought that it was the job itself and the late hours, and the badly behaved clients. It wasn't my drinking. I just needed a change, something that I was probably just better at anyway. So... I left and got a new job, at a bar. Strangely enough I remember that the same thing happened at that new job, though drinking or drugs were not part of it to the extent as the old job. I ended up leaving that job too. many jobs followed and basically, I had new job about every year or two! At the time, I sure did not see this pattern at all. Today, I see it very clearly.

Well, that was an interesting time in my life. Very active in the scene that revolved around alcohol yet totally oblivious to the addictive cycle that I already was in! Somehow, since I believed that others did more drinking or drugging than me, I felt as though was OK. Actually, I don't remember even worrying that my drinking was an issues, I actually felt that life had just dealt me a bad hand or I just had a little bad luck.

Now, listening to the CD, I was really amazed that I no longer had the drinking thoughts and that I no longer had that feeling that I am still missing the party! The party is long gone and well done. This part of my life seems like a very distant memory, yet a true and constant reminder of how much denial I was actually in.