Those Sober Feelings Again

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

I have been trying really hard to get out of my funk. I have had several things kinda roll into one gigantic thing. First, I guess Mother's Day was a bit harder than I thought. I really miss my mom. Grief is a strange thing, it just kinda comes over in waves, sometimes very unexpected, sometimes understandably expected, and others at the moments that bring the most memories.

Then, we have decided after a really long consideration, to finally let go of our dog, who although has never hurt any of us, has become quite aggressive. I felt really sad that we had to make this decision, but after attacking a "walker by dog," my fear of who could be next was exceeding my limits. It has been three days without her now, and there is a definite void.

Also, the second anniversary of Aunt Dawn's passing is this weekend, she died unexpectedly, within one month of being diagnosed with cancer.

UGH. My head is all over, and my heart is full of stuff, some pain and some love. Lots of feelings.

I have tried to stay positive and not in self-pity, and I think I have done ok with that. And I've been trying really hard to manage my feelings by turning them into something positive, but... I just don't have the strength anymore! It has just become too hard to be all great and chipper and turn things into positives! I think sometimes it is ok to just feel. Maybe this is how you're supposed to deal with feelings?

If I was still drinking I would have been plowed all week long, I mean to the max, like none-functioning. When I was drinking I had no idea how to deal with any feelings of any kind, I drank because i was happy and I drank because i was sad. And once I was drunk I didn't have to feel anything! I must say, I do miss feeling nothing...  I think my default "setting" is wanting to feel nothing. Well, I suppose that after twenty some years of feeling nothing it may take a while to be ok with feeling anything...

But I want to do this in a healthy way. Maybe by trying so hard to fix how I am feeling, I am actually not dealing with the feelings. Pain is part of life, and I can’t avoid it. I think I can only minimize it by accepting it and dealing with it well. That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. Feelings do not lasts forever; I might just need to sit in the discomfort and wait until it passes.

I know that there are many things to be grateful about, but today I am just letting myself feel what I am feeling. And tomorrow...