Sober Bits & Pieces

Many times, when I comment on another blog, I realize that I am really reminding myself of the things that are important for my sobriety. Here are a few bits and pieces:
 

- You are right were you are supposed to be, even if you don't believe it. This is part of growth, it doesn't feel good, it maybe treacherous, it might make you feel uncomfortable and like you are riding a roller coaster! It is very ok to have these feelings. It is ok to struggle sometimes.

- This is the easier, softer way. I’ve tried it all, moderation for me was just white knuckling and the mental obsession was even crazier. I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t have to think it and over think it to the point of neurosis. Giving up the fight opened the doors to freedom for me.

- My feelings change so fast sometimes, just postponing the though for a bit helps, by tomorrow I know I will feel different. But it took me a while to learn that, I had almost like a knee jerk reaction when I though about drinking, I thought it and as fast as I did I was drinking. Ugh. People say you can't get struck drunk, but it sure felt like it! I would walk into a store to get lunch and walk out with a bottle of wine! So I had to learn how to think the whole moment thru... Drunk and in a bliss tonight, and hating me and the world tomorrow, hmmmm the choice suddenly becomes clearer!

- This for me maybe in part due to my own insecurities. I know that when I am ok with me, I have no need for the "character assassinations" on others. When I am in acceptance that everything and everyone is exactly as they are supposed to be, I have no need to compare myself to others and put them down so that I can feel above them. Unfortunately this all seems to stem from how I view myself and how I think the world views me. Fortunately I can work on that view by practicing self love and self acceptance.

- I've been sober few years now and just the other day I had that "I miss it" feeling! But the great thing about sobriety is that you can make new memories... You can create new ways to spend your nights... nights that you will remember and cherish forever!

- Put down the hammer and stop nailing yourself - I cough this little gem from a comment that Paul left on another blog. It has been on my mind for days, it has just resonated so deeply with in me. Yes, how long am I going to continue beating myself up for the past? How many nails am going to beat into me? There is absolutely no need for this anymore. 

Trust Yourself

I've been in my head again, I am working real hard on my character defects. I am staying away from self pity, self justification and all self - anything. I am avoiding gossip. I am trying to be kind and compassionate to all. I am trying to do the right things every time! And well, I am not doing really good with it all, I am just not able to be this "perfect." Ugh. It has become a pretty crazy mess in my head. I've been questioning everything I do and say, and dwelling on why, and have gotten no answers!

I told my sponsor about how I was feeling and as she helped me to understand what was going on in my head, and what I was trying to do is not quite possible, my behavior started to "sort of " make sense.

Ha! This is not something I just do or can learn or can just become. This takes time, and a totally different kind of work. But, here, I am again, the self- reliant intellectual being that I am, trying to fix myself, AND overnight practically! Ha! Too funny! It appears that I've been trying to control my own self! Like I can actually make myself perfect, like there is such a thing as perfect! Talk about inflated ego, I think I need to re-visit the third step! Lol!  But I am a do-er, I say! I can do and fix anything! Oh, and I am such an over-achiever! lol!

But ...This is a spiritual job. This does not require intellect. This requires trust, faith and humility. This requires that I put my reliance in my HP!

My sponsor sent me this beautiful quote that put my whole head at ease.

"So believe it. Don’t waste another moment doubting or second-guessing what you know deep down inside you to be true. Live courageously and cast your fears aside. Open yourself up to the full spectrum of human experiences that are awaiting you and allow the spiritual essence that is present within us all to guide you. Ask your question sincerely and listen carefully for the reply. It will come. Let down the walls around your heart and love wholeheartedly. You will feel a love and warmth greater than anything you’ve ever experienced. Say your prayer with unshakeable faith and wait for the answer. You will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.

You’re not crazy. Trust yourself." -  Chris Assaad, The Daily Love

AA Step Six - Were Entirely Ready

AA Step Six - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

How do I complete this step, when my higher power maybe the group, the program, or a tree? Or just faith! I struggled with this step in the beginning because I do not have a defined Higher Power that is a God of any religion, so it is hard to ask “God” for help. But, I have learned that the willingness to be humble and willing can come from any concept or any other idea that takes into account the fact that I am not in charge and that there is a larger, greater being than myself.

So in Step 6 I ask, do I really want to give up my character defects? After all, some of them have been around so long, they are like old friends. They have been comfortable. So I need to ask my HP to help me, to let me be willing, so I can let go of these defects. Here is a list of my character defects:

1. Resentment
2. Egotism
3. Fear
4. Self-justification 
5. Self-pity
6. Gossip
7. Impatience

Resentments are of course number one! Ha, why do I get angry at people and carry that anger without them even knowing it! LOL! "It's like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die." - my sponsor says. And the ego follows closely after, which I have to keep in a constant check. And how about self-justification?

"Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority." – AA 12 and 12, Step Six, pg. 67.   

Certainly, self-pity is in a pretty high ranking! I sometimes like the feeling of being a victim and I do not want to give it up. I enjoy staying in that victim role for a while, so I can get all the attention! Unfortunately this one also brings me back to resenting the people that pity me. ugh.

SO, when I finally become willing to abandon all or some, of these old behaviors and ideas, and the habits connected to them, I am entirely ready to have HP remove all these defects of character. I am ready to be open enough to recognize them, when they are happening and be able to change them. And the real work that brings about the actual change will always be up to me.

“But in no case He render us white as snow and keeps us that way without our cooperation. That is something we are supposed to be willing to work towards ourselves.” – AA 12 and 12, Step Six, pg. 65.

This step is continuous and it doesn't have to be done perfectly. As long as we are never saying "No, I will not let go of that!" we have a chance to get rid of the character defects that rule and dominate our lives.