Positively Sober

 

I am not a naturally positive person and really I am not sure that anyone really is. Well, maybe. Maybe there are those people who always have a smile on their face and always have something good to say no matter what is going on in their lives. I suppose it is just like the people that always complain, right? I think I was always one of those people! I just complained. I had no problem telling anyone how bad it was, how stupid I was or they were, how my life sucked and how their life sucked too. My story was always the same: my mom was an alcoholic, my dad didn't care about me, I had no money, I had a crappy job and the only men that were interested in me were assholes. Yep, that was my life - or at least what I thought of my life at the time. 

 

When I was in rehab, every morning we were supposed to write on the big white board in the meeting room, one thing that was good about our life. I had nothing. I just wrote "I was here."  I am sure this was still part of my defiance since the rehab was court ordered. But. Seriously, I actually couldn't think of anything. I couldn't think of anything good about my life!

So it has been quite a challenge to change that behavior. The negativity had become second nature, it was just the way I was. I remember the first time I decided that I was not going to get up and get out of bed in a grumpy mood. I decided that I was going to greet everyone with a smile and ask how they were doing. It felt really uncomfortable, and it was such a change from - don't you talk to me till I am on my second cup of coffee and another cigarette! - yep, that's how my mornings used to be.

Today I have to work at being positive, still. I have to get up each day and say:

 

Today is going to be a good day!

 

I have to keep the gratitude and I have to believe that the glass is half full at all times! Then some days are still scrappy, and I just have to put a smile on my face an keep on trudging. And that's OK too. I just remind myself that tomorrow is always filled with promise and I would rather have to work on being positive than dealing with the crazy, viscous cycle of alcoholism. 

So hang in there friends! Sober life is good! Keep on smiling!

Just Coasting Sober

Well, there is not much going on here. Just coasting. I am learning how to be. Yep. Just be. Not in a sense of like sitting on a couch and just staring at the TV, or like meditating. But more in a sense of being ok with the world and the events of my day and not getting revved up about anything. Staying emotionally leveled. There is all that crap that I can't control, but I can control my reaction to it.

I think when I was drinking, even though life was quite dull, l would get all wrapped in anything, I mean you look at me the wrong way and I am off! AND the Drama! Gossip! Ahh... So easy to get sucked into happenings around me, that's not relevant to my life or relevant to my life. Who is right and who is wrong and who did what and where. And everything in between. All that stuff that keeps me from being me, and focusing on what is in front of me. And what is actually important. Hmmm... What is actually important?

Well, I am sitting here and thinking. Tough question. I know sobriety is the most important! Without it I wouldn't have anything else! Kids and family, yep, that's a given! Sleep! Yep. Spiritual condition! Yep. What else? My attitude? Yep!

Adjust your attitude. One third of your life will be fabulous, with no thanks to you. It's just fate. Be grateful for it. One third of life is not good, losses and deaths, also with no thanks to you. Suck it up. The other third is neutral. Kind of usual, life being life. Here's your chance. Attitude makes it fabulous or disappointing––which outlook do you prefer? - I grabbed this tid-bit from an article I was reading.
 

My attitude used to be just horrible. I could not be happy about anything. I hated me and you and everything around. It was always everyone else’s fault and there was never any solutions except to drink over it all! Kind of a sad existence, huh? I even remember when in rehab, we had to write one thing every day that we were grateful for and I had nothing! Nothing for days. Really.

And believe me, even in sobriety it has taken me a while to actually turn this thinking around, ha, I am still working on it. LOL. But you see, my life is not perfect and I am not really coasting – my kids summer activities have been quite overwhelming, my work has been crazy and I have been having to work at home just to keep up, and we found an entire family of skunks living under our deck and it has been quite an ordeal to get rid of them - safely! And wait, let’s not mention, the crazy gas company that got confused and confiscated our gas tank, thinking that we were the people that have not been paying them –yeah sounds nuts right!??! – Sheesh! Nope all this is really happening… whew, that felt good just letting it all out a bit! LOL!

YET, somehow, I am feeling like I am just coasting! So weird...

I am not freaking out. I am not complaining. I am not making this seem like a complete catastrophe.
I am just letting things unfold. I am just putting one foot in front of the other. I am just following my faith because, I know that all the things will work out! Today is going to be a good day!