Alcoholism is Cunning and Baffling Indeed

I went one of my favorite meetings the other day. It was a beginners meeting. I love beginners meetings because I never want to forget what it felt like in the beginning. I had the pleasure of talking to a woman who has just relapsed after almost 2 years of sobriety. She was in great pain and was quite confused as to how and why the relapse happened. She said she had a hard time quitting again - "This thing is huge, it is way bigger than me!"

Yes it is! - “Remember we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.” – AA Big Book, pg. 59

Sometimes I wonder, still, how I managed to get sober, and I am quite understanding of the disbelief that someone may have after they have relapsed.  It seems so simple at first, just quit drinking, then you realize that it isn’t so easy, that we have wrapped our minds and lives around alcohol, and we have become powerless over the first drink. And that life after years of drinking is not all peaches and cream just because we got sober. It is still life!

For me, in the end it took the complete acceptance and surrender. Willingness! I just had to stop fighting it, I just needed to give up the debate. I needed to move forward, towards the solution and stop living in the problem – alcohol was my problem, sobriety was my solution.

The solution sounds simple, just stop drinking, but it is not either. It took complete honesty with myself and others, which meant opening up and being vulnerable. Yep, admitting that I had a problem and admitting that I needed help.

For me, it took completed determination, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a reliance on a Higher Power – but whatever you may find, it will be a huge help and unbelievable support to find a group of people that are going thru the same struggles as you. If you are not open to AA, or a program per say, there are also many sober blogs out here; you can check out my list under the What I read link.

All this sounds like a tall order, right?! But once you are able to get tru the beginning the rest becomes easier and easier. No matter how you get sober or what program you follow, I would suggest to start slow, just baby steps, one day at a time. No need to change your entire life all at once. Have faith and tell yourself that you can stay sober for today. Today is all that matters. Then find new things to do, maybe learn how to cook something – I know I didn’t eat well when I was drinking, cooking become my first tool that helped me to stay sober. Also, recognize your immediate triggers, like places, people, and things that you used to drink over, and stay away from them. I think this is crucial; for instance we have no business going to a bar if we are trying to stay sober!

Another great tool for early sobriety for me was planning my day out and writing it down so I can follow it and check off the things I have completed. It really helped me to stay busy and keep my mind occupied as much as possible by other things than alcohol. Also you can get a bunch of books to read too! I never read when I was drinking, I have almost forgotten how too! I ended up ordering bunch of books from Amazon in my early sobriety. One of them was The Long Run by Mishka Shubaly – for the tiny Kindle Price of $1.99 – great story of an amazing journey to sobriety.

Staying sober can be challenging, but you can do it!!!

  DON’T GIVE UP BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!

   ...because it may come fast or a bit slower, but it will happen if you work towards it.

Just Believe - All You Need to Stay Sober!

Higher Power is quite daunting to many people; it was to me. I spent my early years fearing God because my parents use to tell me that I would burn in hell if I was bad. My family didn't really go to church or practice any religious customs but I went to Sunday school and confession every week and couldn’t understand why. By the time I was 15 I knew that there was no place in heaven for me; I was going straight to hell.

So here I was, after years of being agnostic, and dismissing all socialized religion, I find myself in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, where God and Higher Power are mentioned quite regularly. My mind cringed every time I heard it; I hummed a tune during the meeting closing Lord’s Prayer. I refused to even mention the word God in speaking. I would skip the term every time I read any AA literature. I didn't care that people said - It's not a religion, it is a God of your understanding! - I was not going to believe in some God! How could God be in control? I am in control, I have the power! – so I thought…

My power didn't get me very far! I powered thru my drinking and lost every time. I powered thru my finances and had no money. I powered through my relationships and was still single. I powered through people and had no friends. I powered! And inside I was in so much pain that I just couldn't see my way out. Inside I was completely powerless over the craziness in my head and the absolute lack of control when it came to alcohol.

I soon noticed that my misuse of the power/control was just like my alcoholic obsession. I got all wrapped up about who and how, and where, and created mental battles in my head. As long as everything went according to plan, my plan that is, all was good and I was OK. But I was not OK. In fact it gave me a false sense of being "all put together." In reality it left me angry and frustrated because my created plans didn't go as predicted and then I would feel like a failure and I would drink over it, and try to control even more. This became a viscous cycle for me.

Finally, after countless relapses, my sponsor once again suggested that I find a Higher Power; anything that I considered stronger and greater than me. I was still not able to believe in God or anything religious, so my first HP was a big, old tree in my front yard. It was way greater than me - it withstood all kinds of weather. I was always astonished with its magnitude. I spent many evenings sitting under it and talking to it - feeling a bit out of sorts (ha ha – talking to a tree – crazy!), but still willing to try anything to stop the turmoil in my head and heart. My sponsor said to give it all my problems and struggles and it would take care of them for me. OK! - I said - not really sure how that would actually happen. But I sat there every night and I told the tree what was bothering me. And my head and heart started feeling a bit lighter. It was strange – am I crazy talking to a tree!? Lol! - Maybe. Maybe it was just that I was getting rid of the bad thoughts and feelings by saying them out loud, or maybe the tree really had magical powers! Who knows!? I don't care!! It worked!

I still don't have a defined God or HP. I have moved away from that house with my HP tree. Today, I believe that everything and everyone around me has some Higher Power that is revealed to me. I believe that things happen for a reason, that karma does exist, and that people come into my life with a lesson for me to learn. My belief in a Higher Power has taught me that I do not have to be in control, and that the less I try to control, the more freedom I have. That things always work out. And that I can stay sober and I can be a better person and all I have to do is just believe!

Anonymous…Or Not? -by Life Corked

Today, I want to share this amazing post, which has left me feeling absolutely inspired and moved to tears! It is written by the very gracious Chenoa at Life Corked:

-Wow. I had chills as I watched the trailer for the new documentary The Anonymous People, which focuses on the culture of recovery and "the faces and voices of citizens, leaders, volunteers, corporate executives, public figures, and celebrities who are laying it all on the line to save the lives of others just like them." -continue reading.

Click HERE to watch the movie trailer.