And Life Goes On

Well, my mom is still alive! And the 4 weeks have passed. So now I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it won't?!

Packed last night for our vacation, which is finally here, and was booked in December. I feel like I have to say that because I think people will judge me and say "How can you go on vaca while your mom is dying?" So I tell them I booked it long time ago, which I did, but it can be cancelled. I have some guilt there, like I shouldn't have fun when my mom is on her death bed. I did find flights back if I need to come back quick. But honestly mom seems ok, though she may die any minute, if the tumor just happens to cut off the part of the brain signal that directs her heart. But when this may happen no one knows. Feel pretty helpless.

And so this is my lesson in acceptance and living one day at a time. And since I have decided to focus on the moment I haven't felt like a drink. It has been a good week relatively speaking...well not entirely...my friend's mom died on Tuesday and that threw me in a tail spin for a bit. But at the same time I felt like it was even more crucial for me to live in the moment.

My mind can take me from here now to dead and buried myself in a matter of seconds! It's scary and it includes all kinds of bad things in the middle. It's very exhausting and dangerous because then fear kicks up, ego gets inflated and I am a complete mess! Then I can't deal with anything. I have to rely on HP and that everything will work out the way it is suppose to work out!

So for today, for right now, I will do my best, I will enjoy every moment and when I get to that big scary bridge I will figure out how to cross it...sober!