Last night at the meeting, the leader talked about her "not AGAINs." She talked about how the "not yets" are hard for her to measure. Since she doesn't know what they could be, they just don't seem real to her. But the "not agains" she knows very well; if she picks up, all the agains will happen... again!
She went on saying that again she would think she has it all under control, and she could just have a few, again she would end up drinking way more, again she would wake up with a horrendous hangover, again she would stumble to work, again she would be waiting anxiously to drink after 5pm, again she would get drunk with no intentions to do so, again she would be hangover, and on and on! Again she would have done something stupid, and again she would feel shame and guilt! And again she would have to crawl back to the rooms and again she would have to start over! "Not again!" She exclaimed at the end.
I know I can't capture the power of her lead here, but I tell you, I was in tears! Seriously. I still have some "not yets" I am sure, although I had several serious consequences caused by my drinking (You can read about it in My Journey section). We all have not yets, and yes, they are hard to believe sometimes, because we tend to think that, well that can't/won't happen to me! But the "not agains," OMG, I know all of those! I've been there many times, it doesn't get better, it's just the same viscous cycle, over and over and over again, except each time it gets worse! It never gets better! I have never heard anyone say, oh "I went out and it was fabulous!" - and well if it was I suppose they wouldn't be back in the rooms, right?!
So on the flip side, I am going to end with this:
I am so very grateful to not have to drink again, and that I am feeling good this morning again, and that I never have to feel shame or guilt again, and that I am sober again!
Happy sober Monday AGAIN!
I enjoyed this post a lot and I really needed to hear it at this point in my life. I thought I could control it again and started losing control again.
ReplyDeleteWe can't avoid those "not again " moments when we are drinking
All I know is I want to wake up feeling great and healthy for many years to come.
Oh, can i relate, i have gone throught it so many times and i dont remmember ever looking up and thinking, oh it worked this time! I dont know why we put our selves in to this viscious cycle! That is the crazy part, most people would say, oh it doesn't work, lets try something new! Shoot not us! But there is a solution, getting sober is a good solution, and though it's hard without the old trusty booze, you can do it! And the rewards are inmeasurable! Hang in, keep trying! Blog again! Hugs.
Deletefirst of all, I have to say that I am digging the new look here - very fresh and vibrant!
ReplyDeleteAnd per the "not yets" vs the "not agains" - I think we can all attest to the unknowing-ness of the "not yets", but we can certainly imagine. I didn't hit as super low as some others, but I did get down the scale there...arrest, hospitals, detox, marriage separation, job losses, etc. I know for this cat, further down could only mean homeless, bad health problems, divorce, and frankly, suicide. That would probably hit before anything else. As for the not agains - ha! We have them all in a little box somewhere, taken out for show when we speak or work with others, or sharing our story out here. It's a great way of taking a snapshot of where our drinking careers brought us to, eh?
My gratitude involves reading this post and blog and thanking you for sharing this :)
Love and light,
Paul
Hi Paul! It's always so good to see you stop by! I've been reading your post and they make me ponder life and so many things. Love them! Thanks for the complement, you know I like changing it up often!
DeleteI surely did go pretty far down, you know what they say, institutions, jails and death - not much left for me, I think I hit some mayor ones and I sure didn't have many not yets but I sure have plenty of agains! So, I think I'll keep sober for another 24!