AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends Part 2

- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. -from AA Twelve and Twelve, Step Nine

Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted the AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends, and I have been able to make several amends. YEY! What surely had seemed like a tall order and gave me several sleepless nights has turned out to be a great relief and a huge eye opener! This time I chose a group of people who I seemed to have just discarded. I used to think that I was actually protecting people by not being around them when I was drinking, but that was not the reality, that was not really what others saw.

In my late drinking years I kept to myself, I stayed away from most people because a. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with my drunken stupor behavior and b. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I drank or interfere with it. I would literally lock my door, hide the keys, turn the phone off, and sit by myself, on the couch, and drink! There were family events, birthday and holidays that I missed but at least I was not getting crazy and inappropriate at anyone’s expense! Right?

Well, come to find out that my absence was seen as un-loving, un-caring and quite confusing. It was seen as condemnation! Wow! Was I really that selfish? So selfish that all I really cared about was booze! I think so, because when I think back, the a. point was an excuse and the b. point was my only truth. UGH. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to make amends with this group of people. They were not the ones I hurt directly, where I could just explain what happened; you know like… I was drunk and out of control and I want to make it up to you. These amends seemed to be much more pungent! I had to admit that at the time, alcohol was more important than they were and that all that mattered in my life was drinking. Ugh. That is where my addiction took me. But, how do you make amends for avoiding people?

This took a bit of thought, I Googled "amends" and found this cool article called How to Make Amends from wikiHow.

6. Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change. Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. 

I tried to remember the times in the past that I was supposed to see them, or do something for them, or what I was supposed to be a part off and what event I did not show up for. I decide that for  my amends I was going to offer babysitting, house/yard work, and help with cooking and organizing a holiday gathering – and whatever else they ever needed! And I promised to always show up when invited! The people I made amends with seemed very grateful that I was able to explain why I just disappeared, I think it gave them a certain peace of mind, in a sense that they understood that it was nothing that they did, it was me and my drinking. And that my addiction itself was just so powerful and selfish. Yes, all that was important to me was alcohol! Scary. Ugh.

And for me… I got to get some clarity too, I got to offer myself, I got to clear the past crap and drop some more of the rock (Drop the Rock- "DROP THE ROCK" AA based talk by Sandy B.). I feel more grateful and thankful that these people are still in my life and that they were still open and willing to give me another chance. Now that is amazing!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Nine. 

AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends

 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.


AA Big Book, Into Action, pg 82.

I finally plunged into Step 9, after creating the list of people I have harmed in step 8. Oh, this is some task I tell ya! But I am ready to clean house and do this! I met with my sponsor and went over the step and discussed who I should make amends to as soon as possible and who I should not make direct amends to at all. We also talked about the importance of remembering that while doing amends I do not criticize or point out the wrongs that the person had done to me, if there were any. This step is about cleaning my house not theirs. Here I need to have kindness and compassion so that I can heal and forgive myself as well.

We also read Chapter 6, Into Action in the AA Big Book, and discussed how to go about making amends. I had many questions - Why can't I just apologize? What is the difference between apologizing and making amends? Why make amends instead of apologizing?

My sponsor shared an article with me about making amends; the author suggested that you don't just say "I am sorry," but ask for forgiveness instead, because saying I am sorry is like closing off the door to forgiveness. Of course I had to do some more research... haha, just clear my mind a bit more and be ready - this is my perfectionist side. lol!

I looked up the few words:

Definition of apology: A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.  

Definition of amends: Reparation or compensation.

Definition of forgiveness: To renounce anger or resentment against.

I also found this little bit on the Hazelden* website:

How do amends differ from apologies? An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.

Say, for example, that I borrowed 20 dollars from you and never paid you back. If I go up to you and say, "Gee, I'm sorry I borrowed your 20 dollars and spent it on drugs," that would be an apology. Making amends is giving your money back to you. - http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/has70305.page

Hmmm... I though, I have done a few amends in the past, but I think that I just apologized. But I think that I have a clearer understanding of what I am about to embark on. I am still a bit fearful. But I was determined to take this step, so every time the feeling creeps up, I pause and ask my Higher Power to guide me and release me from fear. OK, I think I am ready. :)

*Hazelden helps individuals, families, and communities struggling with alcohol abuse, substance abuse, and drug addiction transform their lives. Our locations across the United States help people at all stages of the treatment and recovery process, supporting them with our Twelve Step-based model that is the modern standard for addiction treatment and recovery services. - for more information please visit their website at http://www.hazelden.org

Click HERE to read the AA Step Nine.