Sober Bits & Pieces

"Lololol! Really!! When I look back it all seems silly, life is good right now! Living in the memories of the past has absolutely no purpose but to sit on my pity pot! Yes, I fucked up, big time, and I might fuck up big time again! But I and you are not the same people anymore, and we never have to be those people again!!!"

"And the old fox learns much more from the young fool, than the young fool can ever hope to learn from the old fox"!

"I am so helpless, there is just absolutely nothing I can do! Acceptance, that's all I got, pg 449, "acceptance is the key...accept things are exactly the way they are suppose to be..." Ugh so hard, I almost feel like I want to jump out of my skin and fix this whole thing! Right now!"

"Where are your feet at?? ok stay there!"

"I just can't leave it alone, I want my control! It feels good! I feel smart and in charge and like I am capable of anything. And when it goes according to my plan it is very satisfying! BUT, I am trying to let him take care of this, really, I don't think that I don't trust him to do the job right, I know he can, I think it's more like I want the satisfaction- I want the glory!!! Yes that's it, I want the glory!!! I want that feeling of accomplishment! Lolol! So self-centered still, huh? Well, I'll just keep coming back!"

"And everything else, hell, you sounds like me! Trust in God, that's all I got for that! In the past few months, we've had to deal with many issues and somehow they all worked out... weird but true!"

"Really, truly, a miracle. It's out there all the time and (this is funny) I thought it's like not brushing your teeth, they may look ok but someday they will start rottening. So we got to take care of ourselves and do all the things that we know will help us stay sober. And I need to definitely take better care of myself, cause I was taking sudafedrine + advil cold pills when I was sick and I tell ya, I though many times of just crushing up a pill and snorting it - and - I've never snorted anything! UGH. So, I have to relax more, let go of things more, slow down more and enjoy the moments more!"

There Is No Self-Control in Drinking!

My coworker often refers to this, self-control idea; he claims that you can self-control anything in your life. Of course he is not one of us and I always ignore him about this, because self-control is an idea that does not work when it comes to alcoholism or addiction. I suppose if it did, then it would not be called addiction after all, right?! LOL!

I wish I could have self-controlled my alcoholism, and I really tried in so many ways; I told myself I will just have one, many, many times! I also switched the type of alcohol I drank, I used more mixers in my drinks, I ate more food, I drank slower, I drank every other day, and on and on, you name it, I tried it. But even if it worked once or twice and I did not get belligerent, eventually it just did not work at all. My ex would say that he did not want me to stop, just to curb it a little! But I just couldn’t. The minute I put alcohol in my body all bets were off! No clue what would happen, no clue when it would start and when it would stop if at all! The night I got my DUI, I remember walking out of the bar and saying goodbye to my friends. I later asked them why they did not stop me, didn’t I seem drunk? They said no, I walked OK and sounded OK. But not even an hour later the cops found me on the side of the road, with my car running. An hour later when they got me to the station and awake, I blew .25! Yes, three times the legal limit and almost at a coma stage (which you hit approximately around .30)!

Yes, it’s sort of like getting struck drunk, it is quite possible, believe me. I have on several occasion walked into a store with all intentions to just get something to eat and found myself walking out with a box of wine!

This is what they call this a disease, the absolute in-ability to “self-control” the addiction, in any way, shape or form. The only way to control it, is not to use at all. And even then, you do not have control really, you’re thoughts are always floating around, trying to entice you towards your drug, in some manner. I have to work on this every day and I am assuming, probably for the rest of my life!

But that's ok, I am way better off sober than I was ever drunk. Sobriety ROCKS!

Celebrating 3 Years Sober

I will be celebrating 3 years in 3 weeks! 

Three years of living sober and free from the crazy life I used to live. AA has changed my life in so many ways it would take pages and pages to list them all.

Alcoholism is a daily part of my life even though I do not drink anymore. Many days, are quite normal, I blend into the vast majority of people around me who have no clue that I am an alcoholic. Because after all aren't they the people under the bridge drinking out of a paper bag wrapped bottle? Well, yes there are some of those too, but many of us are just normal folk. We hold jobs and have families.

Anyone can speculate or analyze alcoholism or any addiction really, and make all kinds of judgments, but until you are an alcoholic or addict, you just have no clue. I don't know why I could never drink "normal," believe me I tried for many years, with many methods, but nothing worked. (BTW if your are practicing this you maybe one of us.) I literally had no idea what would happen when I started drinking. Sometimes I would be fine, seemed like just a social drinker, but most of the time I was just falling down drunk! It got so bad that I just would stay home and hide; me and my bottle, or 10! And I had many consequences due to drinking,  DUIs, jails, detoxes and rehabs become a norm, not to mention that I lost custody of my child for over a year. Yes, I definitely qualify. LOL!

Today I am trying to fully integrate myself in the world around me. Because I feel that alcoholism and addiction is still looked down on as a morality issue, it is very hard for me to "out" myself as an alcoholic to people outside the AA circle. Drinking is such a social pass time, it's hard to live without it, it's hard not be involved in anything and anywhere without the presence of alcohol. I tell most people "Thank you, but I do not drink," to which of course I get many questions of disbelief, and persuasions that this is the "special occasion!" Trust me; no occasion was ever needed for me to get drunk! LOL! I used to be that un-cool girl that was talked about because I drank way too much, now I am the un-cool girl that's talked about because I doesn’t drink! Hmmmm….

So, I choose to stay sober, I choose to have a life; and I have an addiction that governs my entire life on daily basis! It takes a lot of hard work, determination and belief to stay sober. And WE don't do this alone; countless numbers of people have gotten sober with the help of AA, and all the amazing men and women who you meet in the rooms. I struggled for years to get sober; it took me countless relapses, but I kept coming back.

My life today is truly amazing!