I am trying to let go of some of my old crappy thinking, you
know that stuff that nags at you and keeps you awake at night. The stuff you
have been believing or telling yourself for years, and now you know that it's just not true! Yeah, that damn crap! The script I always write is that I suck and that no one lovesa me and that life sucks.
More and more I see how this crap has no purpose in my life! I think I just used it as my security blanket,
it felt safe, it was mine, it was just what I did. It gave me a reason to drink. But now I am really aware of
it, I can see how distorted my thinking can get in a very short period of time
and over very silly stuff. So, I know that it has to go, it’s time to re-write it. Yet, at the same
time, it is so, so hard to let it go. I feel like, "What will become of me? I'll look
like the hole in the doughnut!" - AA 12 and 12, pg 36. And then, right before I am ready to finally
let it go, I hold on to it just a bit more, just for a little longer, just for the last time!This is what happens....
I get on my pity-potty!! Last night I made myself a pitty party, because my dad left for Europe to visit some friends and he will not be home for Easter, and my mom has passed, and my one brother is away at school and the other is moving to CA. No family for Easter. Ugh. I suddenly felt alone and unloved…. and... I have no family... I never had a family... How come I don’t have a family… I suck, my life sucks. And blah, blah, blah. I even texted my friend and said that I was orphaned! Good grief! I am sooo dramatic! LOL!
BUT.... the truth is that I do have a family! I have a great family!
I have a Hubby, three kids and a dog. And great in-laws! No really, they are
amazing! And I have two bestest friends in the world and an amazing sponsor who
has been sober for 30 years! (Say waht!? Yeah!) And not to mention my AA fellowship which spreads the entire county! Now that is
some big family!
That is my new truth: I have a great, big, loving family!
That is my new truth: I have a great, big, loving family!
I find the same thing...I'm very prone to pitty parties even now. When I was drinking it was RIDICULOUS..everyone was against me. I had such a hard life *rolls eyes* Naturally I only see that looking back.
ReplyDeleteI have been blessed so far beyond anything I deserve! My worst day ever, is a whole lot better than many peoples best day! Perspective!
Yes, perspective! Thank you! I don't know how mine gets so skewed! Ugh. I have so much to be grateful for :)
DeleteIncredible how easy it is to shift perspective...for the better or for the worse. I loved the example you gave about not having family...perfect example of how easily we can sink into self-pity with a few magic strokes of our ego and pride. Self-pity is the strongest and most dangerous character defect I have. it's much, much better, but when I jump into it, I jump into it head first (of course) and it takes me time to lift myself out of it. What used to take days can now only take minutes to release myself from.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, as usual :)
Love and Light,
Paul
Thanks Paul! I am at this strange point where I can recognize what is happening, I can see that I am "doing it again," but I am not quite able to stop it from happening, but I am able to release it pretty quickly! Progress not perfection I guess! :)
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