Happy Monday Sober

Yes, it is! The sun is shining and I am setting myself up to have a good day. I strongly believe that if you think positive, positive things will happen :)

This used to be extremely difficult for me. I usually got up on a Monday morning with the hazy reminder of whatever I drank and did during the weekend. Still most of the time, buzzed, or with the terrible hangover brewing, I would scramble to get ready for work. I would stop few times to examine how bad I felt and decide if calling in sick was an option. -But what would people think? Ugh. Better go in.- So I would do a good scrub down in the shower and then plaster some strong smelling lotion on my body and brush my teeth and tongue vigorously. All this, just in case I still had booze in my system and it was oozing out of my pores. I had a hard time telling if I was still buzzed, I had this method to check, I would turn my head from size to side, quickly; if things seemed to be moving at the same speed as my head, I was ok, if they were moving slower... I was still buzzed, if I couldn't swing my head too well, then I was still drunk!

View outside my office window.

On the way to work I would smoke few cigarettes, one after another, in hope that smelling like an ashtray would be better than smelling like a brewery!  And I remember thinking that exact thing! Lol! How did that make sense to me is just besides me! 

And so my day would begin, countless cups of coffee and gallons of water, no food - couldn't eat much - and popping Tylenol like it was going out of style! And staying away from people at all costs. And anger, lots of anger, for all reasons, and the fact that my head was pounding something awful! And please don't talk to me, and don't even look at me, just let me sit here and get thru this! The hours would pass by oh so very slowly, and all I could think about was my first drink after work that would alleviate all this misery, and...  inevitably start the entire process all over again! Crazy.

Today, I don't have to do any of this! (- I mean I still shower and brush my teeth, LoL!-) What a joy it is to get up and embrace the day! No hangover, no shame from the weekend happenings, no worries. Just get up and go, and be present, embrace the day and enjoy LIFE! Sobriety rocks!

Happy Monday!

In My Subconscious

I have about a four block walk from the metro train stop to my office, through the main part of the city, along the famous street that gets closed often so that the presidential caravan can pass through on the way to the White House. So to say the least, a very busy section of the city.

Last night I had a dream, or a nightmare?, ok, a dream, that I walked the four blocks wearing a black t-shirt with huge white letters that said ALCOHOLIC.  As I was walking, with every step, I felt the piercing stares of others, whispering and laughing and pointing at me. I felt extremely uncomfortable and I wanted to run and hide, but there was nowhere to go. I kept walking and trying to keep the appearance that I was strong and proud. But inside I was absolutely freaking out. Then I woke up! Hmmm… I think the t-shirt was supposed to say SOBER! LOL!



You can purchase this T-Shirt from www.zazzle.com

Today on my walk to work, I thought about my dream as I was passing the crowds on the street. I wondered. Would they really stare? Would they even notice? In the city you see some crazy stuff sometimes. I mean really c.r.a.z.y.! So I am not sure that anyone would really notice.

I wonder if all this is really, just in my head!

When I got to my office I told my coworker about my dream and asked him what he thought would happen if I actually did that. He knows that I am in recovery and has been very supportive, so maybe he is somewhat bias, but he said no, no one would care! I asked why he thought that. He said it wasn't strange/weird/crazy enough for the city, maybe in the suburbs where I live, I would have a better chance of turning heads. LOL! Turning heads.... Ha Ha!


So I don’t know. I found it interesting that my dream was so powerful and it came just as I have decided to “out” myself more. I guess, there still is, that part of me, which feels shameful… and afraid! But that’s OK, any change can be hard to adjust to. I am just going to keep doing it and it will become easier. Practice makes perfect, right?! The important part for me, is that I stay true to myself!

p.s. I think I am going to have to get one of those t-shirts!

Be Proud to be Sober

I have been outing myself more and more. I hope I am not going against the AA traditions, but I am feeling like what is the point of being in recovery if no one knows and I can't share it and hopefully help someone else. So here and there I have just been disclosing more about being sober and my recovery. In talking to few people, I have realized that I tend to be more bothered by being the one not drinking than the people around me. People just don't seem to care as much as I think they do. Strangely enough, we are the one who still carry all the shame associated with alcoholism.

I know that being sober I admit that I have a problem, I admit that I am an alcoholic. Yes, it sounds rough, leaves a bit of a bad taste in the mouth, huh? But it is the truth. I have the disease of alcoholism, no matter how you phrase it. At the same time I am a sober alcoholic which means that I have been able to turn my life around despite the low statistics - only about 3% of people that try recovery, actually succeed. But I didn't do it alone! It's time to share with others what has freely been given to me in hope that they too find the strength and are encouraged to do the same. We don't have to suffer alone!

I know there is stigma still surrounding alcoholism and addiction. I know some people still believe that it is a lack of self control and no moral standards that cause our addictions. But you know what, that is just not true, you know it and I know it! If I could have willed it away I would have! And today,  I'd rather people say, oh there is that boring girl who doesn't drink anymore, than oh there is that drunk girl again, wonder what fiasco she will cause tonight! And, you know, really, what other people think of me is none of my business, because if it is not this, then there will be something else they will find to talk about.  I am no better or worse than others!

Acceptance is the key here. We are all exactly how we are supposed to be. We are all where we are supposed to be. We all have issues to deal with. I am an alcoholic. That doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes ME.

I wish I felt this way in early sobriety, maybe I wouldn't have done so much research, and questioned it so much: am I? am I not? Who cares, really. I knew the answer long before my last drink. And if getting sober seemed like an amazing thing to do, like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, maybe I would have gotten to it sooner! But getting sober seemed shameful! Why?

The point is that sobriety should not be shameful! We who find sobriety have worked our arses off and continue to do so to stay sober! That is a lot of work and perseverance! Getting sober IS amazing and for me the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. If everyone out there understood how horribly difficult it is to deal with this cunning and baffling disease of addiction, they too would be proud!  And maybe the people still struggling with their addiction would find it easier to raise above and get sober! And then you can run a marathon or climb a mountain too! We should be proud! I AM proud!

YOU. Should. Be. Proud!