July 27, 2011
I am OK
Well I think I am ok. Mom is getting worse, my poor brother had to see my dad - the Rock - crying on Sunday. I've had the fuck-its on and off but haven't want to drink, well that's not entirely true, I've been wanting something to make this all go away! But then Amy Winehouse died and bam! There it is again, this shit kills! So I am sober, not quite happy about it at times...but the alternative is so much worse!
July 25, 2011
Amy Whinehouse
I have to write something about the death of Amy Whinehouse! Why? Because I know she was one of us! She didn't choose to be an alcoholic and an addict!
My heart hurts so bad when I browsed through the internet looking for details of her death and seeing so many horrible responses to her death. People are so fucken mean, she was someone's daughter, someone's wife and someone's friend! She was a human being, one of us! So much judgment; who the fuck are you all to judge this way?? It's pathetic.
There are thousands of Amys out there and I am one of them!
My heart goes out to her family, friends and fans. This is such an insidious disease! It robs us of all will to have any say about anything. Getting sober was the hardest thing that I have done in my entire life! And I had four years of trial and error and I should have died many times over! Why not me??? I don't know. But I know I had no control over it, I didn't choose this route, that's why it's called addiction!
But I am here and grateful to be sober. And I hurt so much for each one of us that do not make it. Rest in peace Ms Amy, may you never have to hurt like this again! And may your legacy stand as another reminder to all of us that this disease KILLS!
My heart hurts so bad when I browsed through the internet looking for details of her death and seeing so many horrible responses to her death. People are so fucken mean, she was someone's daughter, someone's wife and someone's friend! She was a human being, one of us! So much judgment; who the fuck are you all to judge this way?? It's pathetic.
There are thousands of Amys out there and I am one of them!
My heart goes out to her family, friends and fans. This is such an insidious disease! It robs us of all will to have any say about anything. Getting sober was the hardest thing that I have done in my entire life! And I had four years of trial and error and I should have died many times over! Why not me??? I don't know. But I know I had no control over it, I didn't choose this route, that's why it's called addiction!
“No kind of bankruptcy is like this on. Alcohol (drugs, NA 12&12), now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.”
AA Twelve and Twelve, Step One, Page 21
“The tyrant alcohol wielded a double-edge sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking (using, NA 12&12), and then by the allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process.”
AA Twelve and Twelve, Step One, Page 22
But I am here and grateful to be sober. And I hurt so much for each one of us that do not make it. Rest in peace Ms Amy, may you never have to hurt like this again! And may your legacy stand as another reminder to all of us that this disease KILLS!
July 19, 2011
Acceptance Is the Answer
More and more I realize that the key to my happiness is acceptance. But the realization that I have no control over many things in life, is quite difficult. Of course the hardest was accepting that I was an alcoholic; I still I would give a million $ not to be one. But as I live my life sober I am also learning that there are many other things that I have absolutely no control over.
Lately I am struggling with my mom being sick. It's hard to accept that she may die at any minute. It's hard to accept that I can't make her better, it's hard to accept that at times she doesn't want to see me. I have no control over any of that. Feeling powerless is very uncomfortable, because I should be able to fix this, I should be able to fix it all!
How do I accept all this?? That's when my sponsor would say: read page 449!
This may be one of the most quoted passages in literature. It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:
-And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me.-
Lately I am struggling with my mom being sick. It's hard to accept that she may die at any minute. It's hard to accept that I can't make her better, it's hard to accept that at times she doesn't want to see me. I have no control over any of that. Feeling powerless is very uncomfortable, because I should be able to fix this, I should be able to fix it all!How do I accept all this?? That's when my sponsor would say: read page 449!
This may be one of the most quoted passages in literature. It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:
-And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me.-
July 11, 2011
Welcome to the Newcomer
I was in a meeting yesterday, a woman with 3 days spoke up, she sobbed as she told her story of utter despair. I could so relate to her feelings, tears started running down my face! I never want to feel that way again!
And through all that has been going on in my life in the last few months, I still would rather go through this sober than be where that woman is now. This is why the new comer IS the most important person in the room, they don't know it at the time, but they help us stay sober. Cause things get better, promises start coming true, life gets good and we can forget how it used to be...I was a shell of a person, I had no one, just my bottle.
I remember how hard it was to face my malady, on one hand life was out of whack, I was just merely surviving, and on the other hand, giving up my best friend, for the rest of my life seemed totally impossible! And so I was stuck, for a long time, I didn't want to drink, but I didn't know how to live without it.
Of course I didn't come to AA willingly, I mean really who does, who just wakes up and says oh yeah, I want to be in AA! No one, just like no one wants to be an alcoholic. But I have a disease and this is the cure that works. I come to meetings and I learn, I watch others go through life sober; getting married, having babies, buying homes, and also dealing with break ups and deaths and taxes(lol!).
And to the Newcomer: We are glad you're here! You don't ever have to feel this way again. This is the softer, easier way!
Here are The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
And through all that has been going on in my life in the last few months, I still would rather go through this sober than be where that woman is now. This is why the new comer IS the most important person in the room, they don't know it at the time, but they help us stay sober. Cause things get better, promises start coming true, life gets good and we can forget how it used to be...I was a shell of a person, I had no one, just my bottle.
I remember how hard it was to face my malady, on one hand life was out of whack, I was just merely surviving, and on the other hand, giving up my best friend, for the rest of my life seemed totally impossible! And so I was stuck, for a long time, I didn't want to drink, but I didn't know how to live without it.
Of course I didn't come to AA willingly, I mean really who does, who just wakes up and says oh yeah, I want to be in AA! No one, just like no one wants to be an alcoholic. But I have a disease and this is the cure that works. I come to meetings and I learn, I watch others go through life sober; getting married, having babies, buying homes, and also dealing with break ups and deaths and taxes(lol!).
And to the Newcomer: We are glad you're here! You don't ever have to feel this way again. This is the softer, easier way!
Here are The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
July 8, 2011
Honesty and Sobriety
A recent email from a friend got me to thinking about honesty. I read this book once, the author claimed that we all lie in some form or another, that the truth is all in the perception, that you can have 2 people go through the same exact incident and tell 2 different stories and then tell them differently to other people. I didn't like reading this since that would mean I was a liar too. I think this may not really be lying...
I think lying is mostly based on a fear. I've told people for years that my bio mom died when I was little, no one really asks how, but I had a story for that too. Why? Cause it's easier than telling them that she was an alcoholic and lost custody of me and I haven't seen her since I was 4. Cause it brings less judgment, cause I was afraid of what people would think. I am not sure this really is lying either...
Honesty is a crucial part of sober life. I have to be honest with myself about my cunning and baffling alcohol addiction! This is why on the AA chips it says "To thine own self be true." Being honest about my alcoholism is easy around other AAers but is still very difficult around others.
I haven't been able to share much about my past - and my blog is anonymous because I still fear the judgment. It seems that I live 2 lives, I have this huge AA fellowship and a sober life and I have the other life, where I try to blend in with everyone else.
I'd like to think that the world is changing, that now people of all color, gender and sexual orientation are treated as equal. But do us alcoholics and drug addicts get equal treatment? Why do I hold so much shame with my alcoholism? Why am I not able to tell the world that I am an alcoholic? I think most people still think that addiction is a morality issue, that only losers are addicts, and that we have a choice in the addiction. But I didn't have a choice, trust me, if I did I would have never chosen this!
I think lying is mostly based on a fear. I've told people for years that my bio mom died when I was little, no one really asks how, but I had a story for that too. Why? Cause it's easier than telling them that she was an alcoholic and lost custody of me and I haven't seen her since I was 4. Cause it brings less judgment, cause I was afraid of what people would think. I am not sure this really is lying either...
Honesty is a crucial part of sober life. I have to be honest with myself about my cunning and baffling alcohol addiction! This is why on the AA chips it says "To thine own self be true." Being honest about my alcoholism is easy around other AAers but is still very difficult around others.
I haven't been able to share much about my past - and my blog is anonymous because I still fear the judgment. It seems that I live 2 lives, I have this huge AA fellowship and a sober life and I have the other life, where I try to blend in with everyone else.
I'd like to think that the world is changing, that now people of all color, gender and sexual orientation are treated as equal. But do us alcoholics and drug addicts get equal treatment? Why do I hold so much shame with my alcoholism? Why am I not able to tell the world that I am an alcoholic? I think most people still think that addiction is a morality issue, that only losers are addicts, and that we have a choice in the addiction. But I didn't have a choice, trust me, if I did I would have never chosen this!
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