A Sober Year in Review – 2013

The coolest thing about having a blog is being able to go back and see how my life has changed and the growth that I have experienced. I don't usually see it in me until someone points it out or something happens that reminds me of the change. But being able to actually read about the different things I have learned is really amazing!

Here are some of my favorite posts of 2013!

 

How I Ended Up in AA 1/23

I definitely believed that AA was not for me. I kept thinking that I had absolutely nothing in common with those sober AA people! And who the heck wants to be sober anyways! And the whole God thing they kept referring to was scary! And doing the 12 steps was even more freighting. Not for me, life sucked and I was miserable and there was no hope for me. That's what I thought...

I Am Powerless Over People, Places and Things 2/29

I have been thinking about my "friend," who I have written about in The Odds Are Against US and who really is a family member. He is back to doing heroin after about a month of clean time. My heart is filled with fear that he will die before he can get any help and he does not want any help. He is at the point of absolute anger and denial...

My Illusion of Control 3/26

Control is a strange thing. When I control things and things go my way, I tend to feel good, secure and well... in control. But when things don't go my way I tend to try to control them even more! Now that I am sober it seems that the amount of control that I try to impose seems to also be proportional to my level of fear! Fear of... Well, that's the thing, sometimes I don't know what...

Keep Calm and Carry On 4/19

I have been reading tons lately, and found some really interesting and supportive information. I also noticed that many people out there are not so keen on the AA program, and that is OK. I wasn't either in the beginning! So, I was reading the reasons why people felt AA couldn’t work for them, and I started questioning if AA was right for me! (What?!) This seemed rather silly since AA has been a part of my life for so many years now, yet my brain entertained the idea…

There Is Beer In the Fridge! 5/31

I wrote this up yesterday when I was in the midst of myself made drama. I didn't post it because well, I forgot. But his morning on the way to work I thought about it again. This is what I wrote yesterday: So I need to write about this cause it is bothering me. I already talked to my sponsor and she told me to breathe and ask my higher power for strength and protection. But this is still bothering me...

It is Huge Indeed 6/26

I went one of my favorite meetings the other day. It was a beginners meeting. I love beginners meetings because I never want to forget what it felt like in the beginning. I had the pleasure of talking to a woman who has just relapsed after almost 2 years of sobriety. She was in great pain and was quite confused as to how and why the relapse happened. She said she had a hard time quitting again - "This thing is huge, it is way bigger than me!"...

Be Proud to be Sober 7/24

I have been outing myself more and more. I hope I am not going against the AA traditions, but I am feeling like what is the point of being in recovery if no one knows and I can't share it and hopefully help someone else. So here and there I have just been disclosing more about being sober and my recovery. In talking to few people, I have realized that I tend to be more bothered by being the one not drinking than the people around me...

I Am Branching Out 8/22

I have been thinking a lot about the many guiding powers in my life that helped me achieve and keep sobriety. I am so very grateful that I landed in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, where I didn't just clean the past, and learn how to live life, but where I met people that just wouldn't give up on me no matter what! SO, I think it is time for me to give back, and among the few things that I have in mind, I have also decided to start a new blog that is more focused towards others, rather than me - a place where people can find all kinds of helpful information, and inspiration that would optimistically encourage them to get sober...

Meeting at the Detox 9/24

I had a privilege this week to be a part of a group of volunteers that brings AA meetings to the local detox center where I live. It was an amazing experience and it brought out many memories of my own visits to detox, although I have never been to this one. As people introduced themselves around the room, there were quite a few visitors who have been there previously and who have been struggling with alcoholism or addiction for years. This was not like any meetings that I am used too. These people were in the first few days of getting off whatever they were on and still in the daze. What could I possibly say that would help them get sober?...

Asking for Help Sober 10/30

In early sobriety it was absolutely excruciating to ask for help. I mean, me ask for help? Never! But I had to learn to do it, it was either that or keep drinking, and the drinking gig was up for sure. And I needed help to get sober, I just couldn't do it by myself! So I learned, I started asking for help and found that there was plenty of people willing to help me! It was amazing. I didn't feel alone and I was able to learn how to deal with some tricky situations and go through some tough times and sober!...

I Am Not Alone 11/25

In my last post The Little Miracles I talked about sharing - or whining more like it - at a meeting about some of my family members going on a skiing trip and me not being invited. The other part if that story was that they will all be gone over the Thanksgiving holiday and this will be the first year EVER that I will not be spending the holiday with my family of origin. I have known this for about a month now and of course the closer the holiday is, the more upset I have become. Ugh. I feel like my family just doesn't care about me and I am all alone...

Holiday Season Sober 12/18

Oh, what can be said about the wonderful holiday season!? It's stressful. It's demanding, it's exhausting. It sure can be a challenge in sobriety! But it is nothing comparing to the way I used to spend my holiday season... stressed out and drunk. Ugh. This year especially, I seem to have many memory bubbles of the Christmas past. It's not a bad thing necessarily, they just remind me of how far I have come in my journey. Wow, was that really me?...

 

Holiday Season Sober

Oh, what can be said about the wonderful holiday season!? It's stressful. It's demanding, it's exhausting. It sure can be a challenge in sobriety! But it is nothing comparing to the way I used to spend my holiday season... stressed out and drunk. Ugh.

This year especially, I seem to have many memory bubbles of the Christmas past. It's not a bad thing necessarily, they just remind me of how far I have come in my journey. Wow, was that really me? It's hard to believe it all when I look back and I totally see the craziness of my addiction; my actions that used to make sense to me, now seem so crazy! I was so completely a consumed by the drink, and nothing else seemed to have mattered.

I have that great memory of spending Christmas day at the local bar, after telling my family that I was severely sick and just couldn't make it out of bed. I remember the bar wasn't very full, there were also some other stragglers, or people also trying to ignore their family.

There was the one Christmas that I got drunk and was in a blackout for most of the day. I don't remember much, just waking up really early the next morning, riddled with shame, and running out the door before anyone got up. No one ever talked about that incident.

And there was that one Christmas that I took a bus to my parents’ house, because I gave away my license for a year when I chose to drive drunk. This might have been a perfect time to stay home and get drunk, but determined to keep up appearances as if everything was just ok, and this was just a minor incident, I found a way to get to their house, some 45 miles away. That’s right! And then I got drunk.

Oh... and there are more, but I don't want to waste any more of the space here with those memories. 

Today I have new memories. Sobriety gave me new life and and a new perspective. It gave me holidays spent with family, laughing and hugging. It has made me focuse on the important things in life, like my kids and my husband. Even giving presents has become a new richual; no onager focused on the appearances, I am free to chose gifts that really matter. And as I sit here, in front of our Christmas tree I am even more grateful for the gifts of sobriety. Who knew all this was possible? Certainly not me. 

So if your struggling a bit this season, I hope that you give sobriety a good chance. It can at times be a difficult journey, especially during the holidays, but let me tell you, hold on and keep sober! Your life will change in amazing ways, and you will not be able to recognize the wonderful person that you have become! You will find happiness in simple things, and you will no longer have to carry shame and guilt of the past. You will find the confidence and humility in living an honest life. You will have new relationships that you will cherish forever. You will laugh more and actually feel happy! You will finally become the person that you were always ment to be! 

Yes, all this is possible sober! 

Life, Death and Sobriety

There are so many things running through my head today. My husband and I are on a 3 hour drive to visit a friend whose husband died unexpectedly last Tuesday.

We knew them both from the rooms of AA. They got sober together and I met them through my husband when we were dating. They came in the same year I did and they have been a part of our sober family since. They got married in sobriety and had a baby girl who is now 3. Unfortunately they seperated last year and things seemed to be falling apart,  but they were working it out. Now he is gone. The end. Hard to believe. Sooo hard to believe. I wish I could do something to help our friend through this difficult time. I went to the store and got flowers, and a teddy bear for the little one and a pie, and I had this overwhelming feeling... Helplessness.

Yesterday was my step mom's two year anniversary since she has passed. It was extra difficult to hold the tears back. My daughter and I went to the grave site and put a little Xmas tree up. When we were done, I just stood there, I couldn't get myself to leave. She was my step mom for 32 years. She was my mom. I miss my mommy.

So today I am trying to keep the attitude of gratitude. It's hard. I am sad. I am angry. I am anxious. I am sober.

I am sober!!!

And if I wasn't sober I would not be on this trip right now, I wouldn't have a great sober family, I wouldn't be able to be of service to my friend. Instead I would be getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself, unable to be there for anyone. I wouldn't be able to be present and take life as it is. Then I would be filled with shame and guilt for not doing anything.

Today I know that life is not always peaches and cream, there are rough patches, there are stumbling blocks, there is death. There is also life. Precious life. Sober life! Life that needs to be cherished and enjoyed!