- So I need to write about this cause it is bothering me. I already talked to my sponsor and she told me to breathe and ask my higher power for strength and protection. But this is still bothering me.
I work in a small office, there is only 18 of us. My boss is a good lady who tries to make it a fun work environment; we have Wii game set and large screen TV, we get to wear jeans and have a pretty flexible schedule provided that your work is done on time. We are now in the crunch time for a mayor software release in two weeks. We have been working like mad, around the clock. The boss lady had decided to fill the office with snacks, candy and drinks. And beer! Yep beer. Now I wasn't a beer drinker, but I am an alcoholic, so it's all the same to me, no matter what container or type of liquid; if it has alcohol in it, it's game. (lol, ok there are a few exceptions!)
So today the mini fridge arrived, and everyone got really excited! Right? I would too, except... I don't drink. And, well I can't drink, and well I can but it makes me __________. Well you fill in the blank. Anyway. I know I've been sober for a while and you'd think this wouldn't bother me one bit, but I tell you, I have never just been able to be around alcohol for a long time; I get really squirmy, my head stars getting crazy. Sure, it is in a fridge, in the kitchen, few offices down, it should not bother me right?
Well dag it, it does!! Ugh.
Yes, it's that feeling that I am missing all the fun. And wouldn't it be fun!? Work with a buzz, have the stress melt away. Laugh a little at nothing? Feel carefree? OMG. And no one would know! Oh but I told everyone... Dag. My head is swirling. Really, the damn obsession. I got so crazy in my head, I was ready to charge in my bosses office and tell her that I could not work under these conditions and that if I drank she would never see me again! Oh damn. I hate this.
Oh I hate this - cause now I am swirling in self-pity. Why me!? Well shit. Because.
I got nothing else. I guess like my sponsor said, I got to pull out the BIG tool box. Talk about it, pray about it, let it go. And stay out of the kitchen! -
Well I am doing ok today. I whined to my husband about it last night. Then I took my 4 year old for a walk around the block and things got settled in my head. I think this thinking that I have, about how I should not have these feelings at this point in my sobriety has to be smashed! And it is so easy to get wrapped up in my own selfishness, and make it all about me! Me, me, me! Lol!
So I looked over the mini fridge again this morning, there is actually only one shelf filled with beer, the rest is sodas and water. Ugh. And I thought back and I couldn't remember seeing anyone drinking beer yesterday. How crazy that my mind made such drama of it all. It sure sounded like the entire office was filled with beer and everyone was partying!!! Right? Lol! Ugh.
So I am ok. I AM OK. I am grateful for the free sodas, popcorn, and candy! Yep!
Keep calm and carry on!