“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr
I have been trying really hard to get out of my funk. I have had several things kinda roll into one gigantic thing. First, I guess Mother's Day was a bit harder than I thought. I really miss my mom. Grief is a strange thing, it just kinda comes over in waves, sometimes very unexpected, sometimes understandably expected, and others at the moments that bring the most memories.
Then, we have decided after a really long consideration, to finally let go of our dog, who although has never hurt any of us, has become quite aggressive. I felt really sad that we had to make this decision, but after attacking a "walker by dog," my fear of who could be next was exceeding my limits. It has been three days without her now, and there is a definite void.
Also, the second anniversary of Aunt Dawn's passing is this weekend, she died unexpectedly, within one month of being diagnosed with cancer.
I have tried to stay positive and not in self-pity, and I think I have done ok with that. And I've been trying really hard to manage my feelings by turning them into something positive, but... I just don't have the strength anymore! It has just become too hard to be all great and chipper and turn things into positives! I think sometimes it is ok to just feel. Maybe this is how you're supposed to deal with feelings?
If I was still drinking I would have been plowed all week long, I mean to the max, like none-functioning. When I was drinking I had no idea how to deal with any feelings of any kind, I drank because i was happy and I drank because i was sad. And once I was drunk I didn't have to feel anything! I must say, I do miss feeling nothing... I think my default "setting" is wanting to feel nothing. Well, I suppose that after twenty some years of feeling nothing it may take a while to be ok with feeling anything...
But I want to do this in a healthy way. Maybe by trying so hard to fix how I am feeling, I am actually not dealing with the feelings. Pain is part of life, and I can’t avoid it. I think I can only minimize it by accepting it and dealing with it well. That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. Feelings do not lasts forever; I might just need to sit in the discomfort and wait until it passes.
I know that there are many things to be grateful about, but today I am just letting myself feel what I am feeling. And tomorrow...