Tough day… I am trying to write something up, but my thoughts are just running around, through the memories… good and bad, and all mixed up. I am a bit discombobulated.
I am truly grateful that I was sober when she passed. I heard people in the rooms of AA saying that many times, but I just couldn’t quite understand it, I mean, who wants to go thru losing a parent let alone do it without relaying on alcohol!! I would have probably been drunk of my @ss - living in oblivion and hoping that I would never get out! But I was sober, and I was there, and that was quite miraculous.
It was definitely the hardest period in my sobriety on so many levels. Having to deal with my own emotions as well as with my dad’s, and brother’s, and other family members, was quite challenging. While everyone was coping with alcohol, I was coping with AA. Going thru this time really felt like my first few months of sobriety; footing unbalanced, lots of emotional pain, a great fear of the unknown, and the utter feeling of powerlessness. I was just trying to make it thru, 24 hours at a time.
But I did get thru this difficult time, and sober. I used the same tools that I have learned in AA; I was Hanging on to Sobriety. I went to a meeting and called my sponsor almost every day. I constantly practiced Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. It was absolutely crucial, I had to turn it over, I was most definitely, not in control of this. I also called someone in my sobriety circle before every visit with mom and I checked back with them on my way home. I often repeated the Serenity Prayer over and over in the midst of falling apart. I finally understood why my sponsor insisted that I call sober women and build a support network! I can’t imagine going thru this on my own. Did I feel like drinking? Yes, there were few times where the pain seemed to much to handle. But, I had a remarkable support system of amazing sober women who kept me sane and told me every day that I was going to get thru this and sober. And I just believed!
In the very end, I ended up making the last decisions and phone calls when it was time. My dad asked me to help him with this because he just wasn't able to. This was a very extraordinary request to me because no one has ever depended on me at this level when I was drinking… and no one could.
Sobriety is such an incredible gift. Going thru this time was the most challenging yet insightful period of my sober life. Those last weeks of my mom’s life had been etched in my heart forever. I am so very grateful that I was able to be there for her and for my family, and that I remained sober.
Happy Birthday Mommy! I hope there are huge fields of tulips in heaven!